Pumpkin-Spice Anything, Besides Pumpkin Pie, Is a Food Travesty

Every fall for the last several years, a little bit of the world has been destroyed with one of the greatest tragedies known to mankind and food: pumpkin-spice everything. Suggested Reading ‘Sinners’ Releases in Black American Sign Language. Here’s What That Means A Burger King Employee Throws a Drink on a Child in Viral Video,…

Every fall for the last several years, a little bit of the world has been destroyed with one of the greatest tragedies known to mankind and food: pumpkin-spice everything.

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I canโ€™t even figure out who to blame.

Is it Starbucks, with those pumpkin-spice lattes that women consume before heading to yoga class? Or is it some little old lady who thought to herself, โ€œWell, let me just throw some pumpkin spice on this steak to see what happens?โ€

In any event, letโ€™s make one thing clear: Pumpkin spice should be banned across the world.

During my Sunday-evening grocery-store stroll, I happened upon this aisle scene:

Now, I tried to wait until the locals had cleared the area, because I didnโ€™t want to embarrass them by snapping their photo as they looked as though they were witnessing the second coming of Christ. This display of pumpkin-spice everything is everything that is wrong in the world.

We just couldnโ€™t be happy with a sliver of delicious pumpkin pie, huh? So we had to go and spice things up (pun intended) and turn everything into pumpkin-spice porn.

Pumpkin-spice sausage.

Pumpkin-spice Oreos.

Pumpkin-spice popcorn.

Pumpkin-spice Pop-Tarts.

Pumpkin-spice Fudge Stripes cookies.

Iโ€™m pumpkin-spiced out.

For those of you with palates that havenโ€™t advanced beyond third grade, I understand how all of this mess could be enticing. But let me assure you, it is not.

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Pumpkin-spice abuse needs to be stop. and it needs to happen immediately, because sooner or later, some poor dog out there will have to suffer through a bowl of pumpkin-spice Kibbles โ€™n Bits. And that ainโ€™t right, at all.

Once you go down the pumpkin-spice rabbit hole in a simple Google search, youโ€™ll realize the depths to which people have gone in their efforts to pumpkin-spice-up everything. Somewhere, someoneโ€™s grandmotherโ€™s peach cobbler was just abused and made into a recipe for pumpkin-spice peach cobbler. Grandma, they know not what they do.

If you donโ€™t want to advance your palate beyond the third grade, by all means, eat all the pumpkin-spice products you can. Youโ€™d definitely be doing everyone a huge favor, especially those of us who want to banish everything pumpkin spice to hell.

One can only wonder what outrageous pumpkin-spice product will hit the shelves next year. Maybe someone will fine-tune a pumpkin-spice red-velvet cake? I'm willing to march and hit the steets to protest pumpkin spice. I already have my chant and sign: โ€œHey, hey, ho, ho. Pumpkin spice has got to go!โ€

Straight From The Root

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