There are certain scenarios you just never want to envision, like Donald Trump doing naked double dutch, or Kevin Hart grand marshaling a Pride Parade. It just doesn’t feel right, ya know?
Similarly, you really never want to imagine how your favorite aunties and uncles set the mood for sexy-time—which is kind of how those of us who grew up with Oprah Winfrey felt when she and bestie Gayle King decided to give dating advice—with a healthy dose of oversharing.
The impetus for TMI? The kickoff of the BFFs’ new segment, “The OG Chronicles,” for O Magazine, of which Oprah is founder and Gayle, editor-at-large. In case you’re wondering, “OG” neither stands for “Original Gangstas” nor “Ol’ Girl”; it’s an acronym for “Oprah and Gayle.” And while their segment was indeed chock-full of common sense relationship advice of the type we’ve come to depend on from Oprah and aunties everywhere, there were a few tidbits we probably could’ve done without.
For instance: Not sure I’ll ever look at Gayle the same knowing she once wrapped her naked body in Saran Wrap to entice her now ex-husband. I’m also kind of side-eyeing the cornbread on my dinner plate this evening, after hearing that it’s an aphrodisiac in Oprah-and-Stedman-land.
“I made some cornbread yesterday, and you would’ve thought I stripped myself buck naked,” Oprah laughed. “A little cornbread and black-eyed peas goes a long way in my house.”
Great. Now I’m side-eyeing the black-eyed peas on my plate, too. I mean, we knew the man liked cake, but damn.
Don’t get me wrong; I have nothing against women of a certain age getting it in. Considering the fact that I’m rapidly approaching (if not already in) middle age myself, I’m all for it, since sex is one of those things that only gets better with experience—assuming you’ve had the right experience. But having spent my formative years at Auntie Oprah’s virtual knee, I admittedly shuddered when Gayle suggested that “you could get limber.” It gave new meaning to the phrase “screaming O.”
But unwelcome intimations aside, what other little nuggets of wisdom did Oprah and Gayle drop in their approximately six-minute segment? Well, there was a healthy debate over whether your partner should have your passcodes (a hard “no” from me), and a basic no-brainer: Don’t date anyone who lies about their employment or income (because Lord knows what else they’ll lie about).
While I suppose I have Oprah and Gayle to thank for helping me stay within my Weight Watchers points this evening, I guess we’ll all have to watch O Magazine’s YouTube channel to see what these two wacky broads come up with next. In the meantime, you get a cringe, and you get a cringe and you get a cringe!
Auntie O says you’ll thank her later.
DISCUSSION
I agreed with most of the advice except for whether you should sleep with a person on the first date. My advice would be that you don’t sleep with them if you don’t want to. If your sleeping with them in the hopes of making them like you more that’s the wrong thing to do. But if you’re horny, they’re attractive, go for it. And, if Gayle and Oprah are right that they’ll secretly judge you for it, well, fuck them. Who wants to be with someone who negatively judges you for doing something they did as well. Best to get that person and their Madonna/Whore complex out of your life before any real damage can be done.