There are certain scenarios you just never want to envision, like Donald Trump doing naked double dutch, or Kevin Hart grand marshaling a Pride Parade. It just doesnβt feel right, ya know?
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Similarly, you really never want to imagine how your favorite aunties and uncles set the mood for sexy-timeβwhich is kind of how those of us who grew up with Oprah Winfrey felt when she and bestie Gayle King decided to give dating adviceβwith a healthy dose of oversharing.
The impetus for TMI? The kickoff of the BFFsβ new segment, βThe OG Chronicles,β for O Magazine, of which Oprah is founder and Gayle, editor-at-large. In case youβre wondering, βOGβ neither stands for βOriginal Gangstasβ nor βOlβ Girlβ; itβs an acronym for βOprah and Gayle.β And while their segment was indeed chock-full of common sense relationship advice of the type weβve come to depend on from Oprah and aunties everywhere, there were a few tidbits we probably couldβve done without.
For instance: Not sure Iβll ever look at Gayle the same knowing she once wrapped her naked body in Saran Wrap to entice her now ex-husband. Iβm also kind of side-eyeing the cornbread on my dinner plate this evening, after hearing that itβs an aphrodisiac in Oprah-and-Stedman-land.
βI made some cornbread yesterday, and you wouldβve thought I stripped myself buck naked,β Oprah laughed. βA little cornbread and black-eyed peas goes a long way in my house.β
Great. Now Iβm side-eyeing the black-eyed peas on my plate, too. I mean, we knew the man liked cake, but damn.
Donβt get me wrong; I have nothing against women of a certain age getting it in. Considering the fact that Iβm rapidly approaching (if not already in) middle age myself, Iβm all for it, since sex is one of those things that only gets better with experienceβassuming youβve had the right experience. But having spent my formative years at Auntie Oprahβs virtual knee, I admittedly shuddered when Gayle suggested that βyou could get limber.β It gave new meaning to the phrase βscreaming O.β
But unwelcome intimations aside, what other little nuggets of wisdom did Oprah and Gayle drop in their approximately six-minute segment? Well, there was a healthy debate over whether your partner should have your passcodes (a hard βnoβ from me), and a basic no-brainer: Donβt date anyone who lies about their employment or income (because Lord knows what else theyβll lie about).
While I suppose I have Oprah and Gayle to thank for helping me stay within my Weight Watchers points this evening, I guess weβll all have to watch O Magazineβs YouTube channel to see what these two wacky broads come up with next. In the meantime, you get a cringe, and you get a cringe and you get a cringe!
Auntie O says youβll thank her later.
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