Love & Hip Hop Hollywood Ep. 5 Recap: "Truth Be Told"


It's Tuesday, which means that last night, the house that Mona Scott-Young built invaded our living rooms for a little bit of country and a little bit or rock and roll. So now that we're back to life and back to reality, let's delve in, shall we? Yes. Let's. As usual, let's start with the boring folks.


This episode opens up with perhaps THE lamest nigga on the planet, Mally Mall, attempting to be romantic towards his blow up doll, Nikki, because of whatever messiness he's caused. They talk and he does some dumb shit with some jewelry boxes - this is some Stevie J level dumb shit by the way - where gives her a box with nothing in it claiming thats how he felt when she wasn't around: empty. Then she opens another box that has keys to his new Masika-found condo in Los Angeles.

Because women are evil, she decides that Mally needs to tell Masika to her face and with Nikki in tow that Masika was basically a temporary plaything and that they're together. And because men are dumb, or at least this one is, he agrees to do it. Look, I understand that when you mess up there are things that you will do to get back in your boos good graces. What I won't do is what he agreed to do. Wise man know that Nikki's plot is purely to make Masika look stupid EVEN though she knows thats its all Mally's fault. But bad ideas, thy name we praise on LHH.

I'm not a fan of Masika and I'm not sure why. I understand why she feels the way she does though. It seems like she's cool with letting Mally go realizing that he doesn't have her best interest in mind, BUT she just needs to know why lied. I will never understand why women seek out reasons why anybody lies, men or women. You already know the answer: 1) because we can get away with it; or 1b) because at the time it suits goals. This is the reason why everybody does it. Yet here she goes, walking in on an ambush where Mally lies to her yet again, except this time in front of Nikki, making her look even more stupid. Nikki puts her hands on her trying to push her out the door. Masika is like BITCH I MIGHT ME and turns around to put the paws on her. Mally gets in the way. Le sigh.

Mona, if you're listening…can they just go away now? Also, I came to this conclusion yesterday. Nikki looks like what would happen if many guys got the chance to put together a woman…but fell asleep on the job. THEN upon waking up, took a look, and realized, she looks a hot mess and would put her back behind something else on the shelf and hope nobody saw us do it. Everything about her is bad. Lips, hand motions, butt, boobs. I don't want no parts of her. No parts.

Speaking of wanting no parts, let's make a 180 and discuss the nigga who might be the realest to have ever done it: Yung Berg. Look, I'm trying not to like Berg. I really am. But he's just so extra real. Women always say they want the truth, that young man spares no words when speaking the truth. The truth has set him free and I get the impression he's on 100 at all times. Hazel's delusional ass is runnin' the streets telling anybody who will listen that she and Berg had something real. Which, I wonder what show she's watching. But this brings up an important role, whether its "real" or not, there are a lot of folks who REFUSE to accept the truth that's staring them in the face and slapping them with fair to middlin' singles. .

You know when Moniece (y'all remember my boo Moniece?), who was looking hotter than a plate of yams with extra syrup, is like, um…Berg has been the same since day one. Welcome to death row. But Hazel STILL refuses to acknowledge that she is either Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, or Saturday love. Shouts to Alexander O'Neal. I wonder if Berg makes his chicks wear drawz with the day of the week on it so he knows. Who am I kidding, his chicks don't wear no drawz. Hazel is Deniece William's "Silly" on wash, rinse, repeat.


Berg is also now intending to work with Teairra Mari becuase it has to be in somebody's contract. Look, y'all know I love Teairra but I don't really see it for her. On the flipside, when the fuck did Yung Motherfucking Berg become this hitmaker? This is why folks don't take shows like this serious…you know, aside from the obvious. But Hazel's upset that Berg is gonna give TMurda a hit record or something. I can't think of anybody else in America who thinks thats likely. But Berg in all his realness is like, "look, I stay out of bitches business so as long as you here to work, I don't give a shit about you and Hazel's beef." I think his current theme song is "About The Money" by T.I. and Youg Unintelligible. I love that song by the way.

BUT…Hazel being mad gives us more Yung IceBERG realness. I'm convinced he reads Iceberg Slim twice a year, goes to seminars, and participates in re-enactments. It's the only way to explain how too real he is. She shows up in the park mad at Berg for working with TMurda and Berg is like, "yeah, you see that left turn over there? That's where you got me fucked up. You talking to me like you my girl, wife, or manager. You ain't neither. So I think you need to get about your business and check your feelings cuz them shits are dead money to me. So handle your business and that's all this is, Tuesday."


Can't lie. I'm really enjoying the Yung Berg tour of shenanigans. Which is replacing the Ray J tour of shenanigans because Ray has really not met his quota. He's using college words like "professionalism" and "vixen".What the fuck does Ray think this is? School, my nigga? By the way, Morgan kind of ain't shit. She feels unappreciated by Ray J because her mother didn't love her, which, hugs and shit, but that you're telling me you're JUST now realizing Ray doesn't care? Did you NOT watch Ray J & Brandy: A Family Business? None of this to do with how messy she is though. While I think Ray is nuts for trying to dictate who her friends can be (he's forbid her from dealing with Teairra Mari), you work for an ain't shit nigga you gon' have ain't shit consequences and repercussions. She tries to tell Ray that she doesn't feel valued, Ray is like, "hold my nuts for me, they're cold".

Oh, in more dumb bird news, y'all remember when Masika threw a drink at Nikki on the last episode…somehow, she expected Teairra - a chick she JUST met, mind you - to basically jump on Nikki with her? What kind of dumb logic is that. I ain't fighting for you either, especially when both of y'all are yamps. I used that again. Teairra is like, "When I assess this situation, it seems like Mally is lying to both of them." But of course, Teairra meets with Nikki to let her know that Morgan ain't shit (cuz she ain't) and was outchea showing her old pre-surgery pictures to Masika in clown-worthy fashion. Now, they are clownworthy, but that's still not cool. Masika and Hazel now both don't fuck with Teairra, who I'm saying, ain't really done nothing wrong in two straight episodes.


Also, in broken record news, Omarion and Apryl (who is looking totes gorge by the way) get into about his momma again. Because of course they do. Apryl makes all th e good points in the world. Omarion meets with his mother who is AGAIN on that selfish shit. Real talk, b, by this point, momma or naw, she'd be out the picture. Omarion cannot reason with her. She doesn't like Apryl and has determined that she's more important than her. It's a bridge too far and a battle he can't win. She is also the least likable mother in VH1 reality show history thus far. Scrappy's momma gives us non-stop quotables. Frankie was just special Mama Jones gave us pumkash and that damn song. What is Leslie bringing to the table except real life negativity and drama? Maybe she changes by the end. I don't know, but at least Omarion made it clear she couldn't be at the delivery.

Omarion's mom is in their business. She's in their business. Can't he see that his mom is tryin' to end this?


Anyway, next week more shit happens.

Panama Jackson is the Senior Editor of Very Smart Brothas. He's pretty fly for a light guy. You can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking all her brown liquors.


Wild Cougar

I see you're really getting a kick out of calling these women dumb, yamps, birds and what not. I shouldn't be surprised how they keep coming up with new derogatory words for women. 31 flavors to dismiss her humanity. But a dude who seems devoid of human emotion and acts like a soul-less robot is the "realest". Got it.