Image: Michael Harriot (The Root/FMG)

Breaking News: The patriarchy has been toppled! The patriarchy has been toppled!

In a stunning upset, the likes of which had never been seen before, white feminists defeated Kentucky Sen. Mitch McConnell to win the 2018 World Wypipo Tournament. The team composed mostly of Wellesley graduates defeated longtime senator and noted white man Mitch McConnell by a margin of 410 votes to claim victory in the tournament’s second year.

Advertisement

Coach Rebecca Alyssa Beckminster said the team overcame a daunting halftime deficit to upend McConnell in the fourth quarter by playing their infamous “But What About Me?” defense, stymieing the aged, unseasoned chicken breast’s money and power offense.

“We just went into the locker room and had a good cry,” said the tournament MVP Ivanka Trump. “Then we stole some of the strategy used by black women and used it for our purposes. We’d never give them credit for it, of course. Wait ... this isn’t being recorded is it?”

Clad in cowboy boots and unflattering Daisy Duke jean cutoffs, white feminists summoned the strength of their ancestors by calling their daddies and asking for rent money and startup costs. But they insist that had nothing to do with it.

Advertisement

“We did this all by ourselves,” said Lena Dunham. “Our white privilege had nothing to do with it,” she added while drinking champagne filtered through her pink pussy hat emblazoned with the words “Resist.”

“We’ve suffered so much over the past year. I just want to dedicate this to all the sheroes who helped us reach our ultimate goal,” exclaimed Kellyanne Conway as she embraced Nancy Pelosi, who spent much of the tournament telling Maxine Waters to keep her goddamned mouth shut.

Meanwhile, in the losing locker room, Mitch McConnell sat stunned as he was comforted by Paul Ryan, who left immediately after the game to spend time with his family and separate himself from the losing team.

Advertisement

“I thought we had it,” McConnell whispered as he considered his prospects moving forward. “We did everything in our power to defeat them, but after looking back, our strategy of undermining the constitution, tax breaks for the wealthy, repealing Obamacare and separating immigrant children from their mothers backfired on us.”

When asked why they believed a child separation policy would help, McConnell responded: “Oh ... that wasn’t for the tournament. We just like doing evil shit.”

The winning team said they wouldn’t have won without the support of their voters, specifically the 53 percent who ... you know what? Let’s let them have this one.

Advertisement

The team planned to spend the offseason calling the police on black people and teaming up with last year’s winner, White Allies, for a victory tour.

“I’m just so happy!” said team general manager Hillary Clinton, adding:

“I always knew we’d win the popular vote.”

Advertisement