Michael Cohen, personal lawyer for President-elect Donald Trump, gets into an elevator at Trump Tower, December 12, 2016 in New York City. President-elect Donald Trump and his transition team are in the process of filling cabinet and other high level positions for the new administration.
Photo: Drew Angerer (Getty Images)

In April, the President’s personal attorney and long time fixer, Michael Cohen’s New York office was raided by the FBI. The Feds reportedly seized thousands of documents, items and tapes, from Cohen’s office and on Friday, The New York Times is reporting that they may have finally hit pay dirt.

According to the Times, Cohen was on his skullduggery shit and secretly recorded a conversation between himself and Trump discussing payments to former Playboy Playmate, Karen McDougal, who reportedly had an affair with a sack or sherbet extract shaped like a parakeet wearing a honey blonde toupee.

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Trump’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani told the Times that Trump did discuss payments to McDougal with Cohen but ultimately those payments weren’t made. Side note, Giuliani might be the worst lawyer in American history. So far he’s basically copped to everything that Trump has ever been accused of. I don’t know how this is even considering lawyering, in fact it feels a lot like snitching. I digress.

“Nothing in that conversation suggests that he had any knowledge of it in advance,” Giuliani told the Times Friday, adding, “In the big scheme of things, it’s powerful exculpatory evidence.”

Trump has denied McDougal’s allegations of an affair, so then what was Trump reportedly discussing on the two-minute tape that Giuliani told the Times absolutely exists?

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Let’s run it back: Trump denies that he had an affair with McDougal; Cohen’s office is raided; tapes of Trump discussing payments to McDougal are heard being discussed on the tape. Trump’s lawyer, and arguably the worst lawyer in American history, Rudy Giuliani, confirms that Trump did discuss payouts to the former Playmate but assures that no payments were made. The the looming unanswered question is what was Trump considering paying McDougal for? Did McDougal start a paint business after she stopped posing in Playboy? Did she do light work at Trump’s Winter White House?

We move on.

Here’s how CNN breaks it down:

In August 2016, McDougal signed an agreement with American Media Inc., which owns The National Enquirer, Us Weekly, Men’s Journal and several other publications. She believed at the time the contract was a work agreement that would allow her to be photographed for and write pieces that would run in the companies’ publications.

Her attorney for that negotiation was Keith Davidson. She told CNN she later found out Davidson was in contact with Cohen.

McDougal later realized she could face a financial penalty for speaking to the media about her story. In April, she reached a settlement with AMI that allows her to discuss the alleged affair.

Speaking with CNN’s Anderson Cooper in March, McDougal alleged that she and Trump were together “many dozens of times” and answered in the affirmative when asked if they were intimate.

McDougal described the alleged affair from 2006 to 2007 as a consensual, loving relationship, and said she did not know Trump might have seen other women at the time besides his wife — and that throughout their relationship, he did not use protection.

“I didn’t know he was intimate with other ladies,” she said on CNN’s “Anderson Cooper 360" at the time. “I thought I was the only one.”

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Hey guys, I wanted to write more here but I got really sick when I read the part about the president not using protection with McDougal. I just kept getting images of pasty white thigh meats and raw chicken ... Sorry, I have to go vomit.