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When will everyone learn that when you go against BeyoncĂ©âs wishes, only failure and fury will follow? There are rumors floating that Lifetime is considering making a film based on the life of the finest Creole to twerk the earth. A source tells the Daily Star, âBeyoncĂ© is arguably the worldâs biggest star and has a story Lifetime thinks is too compelling to ignore.â
Oh, please reconsider.
Of course, British tabloids are notorious for lying like hell, but when you factor in the reality that the network is making a film about Britney Spears, there is legitimate reason to fear. And boo. And hiss. In that order. Word to Momma Dee.
To give them a lilâ teaspoon of credit, Lifetime has come a long way with its original movies, notably the ones with Negroes in them.
With This Ring and A Day Late and a Dollar Short, respectively, were well-made and enjoyable. Each of those were based on novels, however, which meant they had rich material to work with and, more or less, authors who wouldnât let the network take their works and ruin them. When it comes to Lifetime biopics, thatâs where the compliments about Lifetime original movies go to die a slow, excruciating death.
The Aaliyah biopic was equal parts absurd and abysmal, and the one made about Whitney Houston released a year later was not absolutely horrible, but pretty damn bad all the same. Now, Toni Braxtonâs biopic, Unbreak My Heart, was a fast ride in terms of storytelling, but nonetheless enjoyable. The key difference between the Braxton biopic and the other two, however, was Braxtonâs involvement. Once again, if someone who is the root of the source material is involved, a Lifetime movie will be OK or surprisingly good.
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To that end, we can all easily infer that Blue Ivyâs mama wants no parts of this project.
The film is said to be using J. Randy Taraborrelliâs book Becoming BeyoncĂ©: The Untold Story for âinspiration.â In other words, the plan is to use a book BeyoncĂ© didnât want out for source materialâonly annoying her even more. As an original member of the Beyhive, Iâm now worried about whether my even mentioning that book is a sin.
Forgive me, Beyoncé. I only wrote it to shade it. Amen. Uh oh, uh oh, oh no no.
This source explained: âThey know they may receive some pushback for digging into some of her darker moments, but believe her story must be told.â And: âIt could ruffle a few feathers, but finally people might get a sense of the real BeyoncĂ©.â
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Hereâs whatâs going to happen: BeyoncĂ© will likely have this project shut down and cleanse the universe of this ugliness. If that miraculously doesnât happen, this movie will be raggedy as hell. Again, Lifetime has its cute original-movie moments, but this is BeyoncĂ© Giselle Knowles-Carter. Lifetime canât handle that splendor.
BeyoncĂ© is Houston, Texas. Lifetime is Tyler, Texas. BeyoncĂ© is a luxurious weave plucked directly from a Malaysian handpicked by God, not a weave bun from the gas station that you can clip in. BeyoncĂ© is worthy of a cinematic masterpiece if and when she decides to have a movie based on her life made, not what Lifetime would offer, which is more or less the moviemaking equivalent of cold General Tsoâs chicken ordered four days ago.
Leave her the hell alone, Lifetime. Put a stop to this madness if itâs real, and if itâs not, silence the lies. If you smite her, may Tyler Perry buy your network and turn it into one long Madea movie.
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Michael Arceneaux hails from Houston, lives in Harlem and praises BeyoncĂ©âs name wherever he goes. Follow him on Twitter.
