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First of all, let me give props to the rapper Xzibit, who gave us a hot-ass song that is both a mood and an anthem for the women like me who like it a little rough in the bedroom. Plain old missionary is not enough for us. We want to be spanked. We want to be choked. We want our hair pulled, and we want you to talk that good shit while you do it.

There are limits, of course, and those limits have to be respected. Whether the lines for those limits are drawn up front or you are allowed to push until the utterance of a safe word stops you in your tracks, there are a great many women who enjoy being entirely submissive in bed to a man who takes control with a firm hand—and this is for them.

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The first time a man grabbed a handful of my hair, called me a bitch and stroked me within an inch of my life from behind, I’ll admit I was not at all ready. We hadn’t discussed the limits beforehand; we’d ventured blindly into each other’s body, knowing only the mutual lust we felt. In the moment I was shocked, but I was too turned on and too close to climax to do anything more than moan in pleasure, which he took as encouragement and continued in the same manner.

It was that weird mix of shock, pain and pleasure that intoxicated me and made me a forever fan. When he also left bite marks on both of my shoulders, I realized how important it is to draw those lines in the beginning. In the hands of a less experienced man, I could have been hurt, and if he had been with a less-than-willing woman, he could have found himself in a situation that went badly very quickly.

So I make these things known up front now in the same conversation where I ask questions to find out his hard limits, too. These talks and negotiations are as important as the quality of the sex—in fact, they add to the quality. Rough sex and rough talk are fun only if both people are into it. Some women may object to the use of certain words during sex, and it makes no sense to ruin the moment when you could have found that out from the outset.

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Finding out just how rough someone wants it is especially important. I don’t mind having my hair pulled, but don’t you dare do it if I have not given you permission beforehand. A quick smack on the ass cheek with the palm of your hand in the heat of the moment can intensity my degree of internal lubrication, but a smack anywhere else will not only lead to you giving my vagina cottonmouth—but I might be ready to fight you while butt-ass naked as well.

Everyone has different tastes. Don’t assume that your new partner is going to like what your last one did—we aren’t all the same chick. Experimenting might be welcome, but erring on the side of caution and asking is always going to be the safest bet.

That said, once you know? Do that shit, and do it with gusto.

There’s nothing quite like fingers around the throat at precisely the right moment, coupled with the right amount of dirty words uttered through clenched teeth, to send me climbing the walls.

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I have had this talk with my friends enough to know that we all like some form of rough—just how far rough we are willing to go depends on the friend and the partner we are getting rough with.

I don’t want to be slapped anywhere but on the ass. However, I have friends who like to be slapped in the face and called whores during sex. There’s nothing wrong with it. Kink-shaming is only for people who themselves are afraid to explore their kinky sides.

Take it on a case-by-case basis and don’t be afraid to explore. What makes one person say no may have another saying yes over and over again to the point of climax.

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Respect boundaries. Honor safe words. Don’t kink-shame. We all have an inner freak that answers to a certain call.

Choke me. Spank me. Pull my hair. Call me a bitch if you doing it right. It might be all you need to get me there.