The national treasure of beauty and philosophical guru-level, wisdom-filled ghetto-fabulousness known as Cardi B recently revealed how she was reportedly put in a choke hold by a New York City police officer in one of the greatest, most hood-tastic stories ever told.
Black America’s crazy cousin from the Bronx tweeted a story last week (now deleted) about how a white police officer put her in an illegal choke hold. New York City Police Department Assistant Commissioner Peter Donald says that the department investigated the claim and could find no evidence that the incident ever took place, according to TMZ.
On Tuesday, the rapper visited radio station WEDR-FM to promote her music. After a brief preamble explaining why she didn’t want the incident to take away from the fact that her single “Bodak Yellow” was currently No. 1 on the Billboard charts, the Black Senate-confirmed ambassador of bloody shoes broke down and explained the entire story in full detail.
Note: Because Google Translate lacks the necessary English-to-Ghetto algorithm, we ran Cardi B’s story through our proprietary code-switching technology to translate the story for our non-Ebonics-speaking audience.
“This what happened, right[1],” Ms. B began, explaining that she was in a car with her cousin stuck in traffic because Donald Trump was visiting the United Nations preparing to kick off a nuclear war, causing the entire city to be—as Cardi so eloquently put it—“dumb tight.”[2, 3]
1. When anyone not of the Caucasian persuasion begins a story with “This what happened, right,” or the more hyperbolic superlative “This what had happened,” you must listen intently because this shit is about to be good.
2. Dumb: An adverb meaning “exceedingly.” (Not to be confused with “stupid,” which means “very,” or “mad,” which loosely translates as “extremely.”) I know ... this can sometimes get mad confusing.
3. Tight: Adjective meaning “agitated.”
The Love & Hip Hop: New York star went on to explain how she was involved in an accident when another driver hit her car. She regaled the audience with the details of how she confronted the man who caused the collision:
So I got out the car, you know what I’m saying? So I went to the motherfucker and said, “My nigga, I will fuck you up!” And he’s like said, “Bitch, I will fuck you up.” So you know, that shit fucked me up.[4]
So I started hitting his window. I did. Then I threw him a bottle of water. I did. I’m not gonna lie ... then my cousin got out of the car and they both squared up.[5] You know that’s my cousin, so I took off my shoe (you know I like to take off my shoe) and I threw it at the nigga! And the nigga threw it at me back! Now he squares up with my cousin[6] (now the shit gon’ get real) and out of nowhere, a motherfucker put me in a choke hold!
4. Disambiguation: In this instance, Cardi B’s first and second use of “I will fuck you up” indicates the willingness to inflict bodily harm, whereas the subsequent use of “fucked me up” implies that she was temporarily flustered by the situation.
5. Squared up: A term meaning the physical and mental preparation indicating readiness to fight. When one “squares up,” the feet are usually shoulder length apart, hands raised, and the combatants are face-to-face.
6. Note the important use of “cousin,” which is not necessarily an indication of a blood relative. In the black vernacular, “cousin” is a term that implies a special relationship. The official black hierarchal scale ranks cousin only below God, mother and “my weed man.”
Cardi then explains how she was put in a choke hold with her hands behind her back “like a chicken wing”[7], and she couldn’t believe it because the cop ignored the two men about to “square up.” But, she explained, the officer was “so pussy,”[8] he didn’t stop the men from fighting. Instead, the cop put her, a woman, in a choke hold.
Once the incident was over, Queen Cardi revealed how the police called her and came to her house asking her not to talk about it publicly. The unlyrical genius says she rejected them because “I ain’t never talked to no 12.”[9]
7. In this case, “chicken wing” is not a simile. In the black community, the chicken wing is an actual martial arts move where a combatant twists his or her opponent’s arm behind the back and up toward the middle of the shoulder blade, causing considerable pain.
8. Pussy: A sexist pejorative meaning “the opposite of masculine.”
9. 12: Police officers. (From the cop show Adam 12. Similarly, “Five-O” comes from the police show Hawaii Five-0.)
She says the cops released a statement after she refused to talk to them, saying that they “found no evidence of her claims.” She questioned why “the biggest gang in New York” would declare such a lie if she never spoke with them, elaborating that the incident really bothered her.
Perhaps the truest part of Cardi B’s story was when she explained her refusal to talk to police. She said that she didn’t think they would do anything about it and how she couldn’t really recall the details. Cardi’s biggest point on why she didn’t cooperate was even more important.
In her infinite wisdom, she echoed the sentiments of almost every black person in America when she encapsulated law enforcement’s treatment of people of color, why cops can’t be trusted, and how they always escape scrutiny and punishment.
In true maker-of-money-moves fashion, the philosopher, poet and ratchet Jedi said, “It’s just like ... you guys be lying,” and then added: “And this is why I don’t talk to y’all. Cuz you guys be lying.”[10]
Indeed, Cardi B ... indeed. They be lying.
10. They do be lying, though.
Watch Cardi B tell the entire story in the video below:
DISCUSSION
There is no way to read this without giggling.