Cardi B Explains Her NYPD Choke Hold Allegation With the Most Beautiful, Ghetto-Fabulous Story of All Time

The national treasure of beauty and philosophical guru-level, wisdom-filled ghetto-fabulousness known as Cardi B recently revealed how she was reportedly put in a choke hold by a New York City police officer in one of the greatest, most hood-tastic stories ever told. Suggested Reading Three Friends Were Headed To A Beyoncรฉ Concert, But One Dies…

The national treasure of beauty and philosophical guru-level, wisdom-filled ghetto-fabulousness known as Cardi B recently revealed how she was reportedly put in a choke hold by a New York City police officer in one of the greatest, most hood-tastic stories ever told.

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Trump’s Tariffs Might Stick Around. What Should We Buy Now?
Trump’s Tariffs Might Stick Around. What Should We Buy Now?

Black Americaโ€™s crazy cousin from the Bronx tweeted a story last week (now deleted) about how a white police officer put her in an illegal choke hold. New York City Police Department Assistant Commissioner Peter Donald says that the department investigated the claim and could find no evidence that the incident ever took place, according to TMZ.

On Tuesday, the rapper visited radio station WEDR-FM to promote her music. After a brief preamble explaining why she didnโ€™t want the incident to take away from the fact that her single โ€œBodak Yellowโ€ was currently No. 1 on the Billboard charts, the Black Senate-confirmed ambassador of bloody shoes broke down and explained the entire story in full detail.

Note: Because Google Translate lacks the necessary English-to-Ghetto algorithm, we ran Cardi Bโ€™s story through our proprietary code-switching technology to translate the story for our non-Ebonics-speaking audience.

โ€œThis what happened, right[1],โ€ Ms. B began, explaining that she was in a car with her cousin stuck in traffic because Donald Trump was visiting the United Nations preparing to kick off a nuclear war, causing the entire city to beโ€”as Cardi so eloquently put itโ€”โ€œdumb tight.โ€[2, 3]

1. When anyone not of the Caucasian persuasion begins a story with โ€œThis what happened, right,โ€ or the more hyperbolic superlative โ€œThis what had happened,โ€ you must listen intently because this shit is about to be good.ย 2. Dumb: An adverb meaning โ€œexceedingly.โ€ (Not to be confused with โ€œstupid,โ€ which means โ€œvery,โ€ or โ€œmad,โ€ which loosely translates as โ€œextremely.โ€) I know ... this can sometimes get mad confusing.3. Tight: Adjective meaning โ€œagitated.โ€ย 

The Love & Hip Hop: New York star went on to explain how she was involved in an accident when another driver hit her car. She regaled the audience with the details of how she confronted the man who caused the collision:

So I got out the car, you know what Iโ€™m saying? So I went to the motherfucker and said, โ€œMy nigga, I will fuck you up!โ€ And heโ€™s like said, โ€œBitch, I will fuck you up.โ€ So you know, that shit fucked me up.[4]

So I started hitting his window. I did. Then I threw him a bottle of water. I did. Iโ€™m not gonna lie ... then my cousin got out of the car and they both squared up.[5] You know thatโ€™s my cousin, so I took off my shoe (you know I like to take off my shoe) and I threw it at the nigga! And the nigga threw it at me back! Now he squares up with my cousin[6] (now the shit gonโ€™ get real) and out of nowhere, a motherfucker put me in a choke hold!

4. Disambiguation: In this instance, Cardi Bโ€™s first and second use of โ€œI will fuck you upโ€ indicates the willingness to inflict bodily harm, whereas the subsequent use of โ€œfucked me upโ€ implies that she was temporarily flustered by the situation.5. Squared up: A term meaning the physical and mental preparation indicating readiness to fight. When one โ€œsquares up,โ€ the feet are usually shoulder length apart, hands raised, and the combatants are face-to-face.6. Note the important use of โ€œcousin,โ€ which is not necessarily an indication of a blood relative. In the black vernacular, โ€œcousinโ€ is a term that implies a special relationship. The official black hierarchal scale ranks cousin only below God, mother and โ€œmy weed man.โ€ย 

Cardi then explains how she was put in a choke hold with her hands behind her back โ€œlike a chicken wingโ€[7], and she couldnโ€™t believe it because the cop ignored the two men about to โ€œsquare up.โ€ But, she explained, the officer was โ€œso pussy,โ€[8] he didnโ€™t stop the men from fighting. Instead, the cop put her, a woman, in a choke hold.

Once the incident was over, Queen Cardi revealed how the police called her and came to her house asking her not to talk about it publicly. The unlyrical genius says she rejected them because โ€œI ainโ€™t never talked to no 12.โ€[9]

7. In this case, โ€œchicken wingโ€ is not a simile. In the black community, the chicken wing is an actual martial arts move where a combatant twists his or her opponentโ€™s arm behind the back and up toward the middle of the shoulder blade, causing considerable pain.8. Pussy: A sexist pejorative meaning โ€œthe opposite of masculine.โ€9.ย 12: Police officers. (From the cop show Adam 12. Similarly, โ€œFive-Oโ€ comes from the police show Hawaii Five-0.)ย 

She says the cops released a statement after she refused to talk to them, saying that they โ€œfound no evidence of her claims.โ€ She questioned why โ€œthe biggest gang in New Yorkโ€ would declare such a lie if she never spoke with them, elaborating that the incident really bothered her.

Perhaps the truest part of Cardi Bโ€™s story was when she explained her refusal to talk to police. She said that she didnโ€™t think they would do anything about it and how she couldnโ€™t really recall the details. Cardiโ€™s biggest point on why she didnโ€™t cooperate was even more important.

In her infinite wisdom, she echoed the sentiments of almost every black person in America when she encapsulated law enforcementโ€™s treatment of people of color, why cops canโ€™t be trusted, and how they always escape scrutiny and punishment.

In true maker-of-money-moves fashion, the philosopher, poet and ratchet Jedi said, โ€œItโ€™s just like ... you guys be lying,โ€ and then added: โ€œAnd this is why I donโ€™t talk to yโ€™all. Cuz you guys be lying.โ€[10]

Indeed, Cardi B ... indeed. They be lying.

10. They do be lying, though.

Watch Cardi B tell the entire story in the video below:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8N40PtsEw4

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