Photo: Ralph Freso (Getty Images)

My money is on Vice President Mike Pence as being the member of Donald Trump’s Cabinet who keeps sliding the president an unlocked iPad when no one is looking so that he can send out his conspiratorial tweets to take the spotlight off the very real Russia investigation.

Early Wednesday morning, Trump confiscated Pence’s iPad, locked himself in the presidential bathroom that smells of KFC grease and nutmeg, and started sending out tweets to rile up his base of weirdos who at one time thought (and possibly still do think) that a pizza parlor served as a front for a pedophile ring.

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The president wasn’t finished. He went on to declare that “SPYGATE”—which of course he typed in all caps—was going to be a huge hit!

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Let’s pause for a second and remember that this is the president of the United States pushing unfounded rumors on social media—which would be hilarious if he weren’t the fucking president of the United States.

So not only has what started as speculation become fact in Trump’s mind, but according to The Hill, Trump is literally demanding that the Department of Justice—Trump’s personal henchmen, or at least that’s how he sees the DOJ—investigate claims that an FBI informant was embedded in his campaign. Without any evidence, the president has continued to push rumors that the Obama administration was so concerned with his run for the White House that Barack Obama put someone in his camp in an effort to help his homegirl, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton, win the 2016 presidential election.

What Trump seems to forget when he’s on his conspiracy ish is that no one outside of Russian bots and the right-wing aluminum-foil-hat crowd thought he had a shot at actually winning the election. But why let truth get in the way of some good tweeting?

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As The Hill reports, Trump also quoted Judge Andrew Napolitano, the Fox News contributor who claimed that he, too, believes that the Trump campaign was infiltrated.

The Hill notes that “Trump’s allies, including Fox News personalities and conservative lawmakers, often reference the ‘deep state’ as a group of government staffers working to undermine the president.”

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Which really doesn’t make sense. If the deep state’s focus is to undermine the president, then wouldn’t the deep state’s mission have been to help Trump get elected? Think about it: The president during this time was Barack Obama; Trump was just an orange pimple on the backside of American politics. I know it’s hard to remember back this far, but Trump wasn’t a major concern of anyone remotely watching politics. If the deep state were working to undermine the president, then that would’ve been Obama, since Trump wasn’t president yet. So how is the deep state even involved in this whole thing? Also, I just made my own head hurt.

OK, I’m done here. For the TL;DR crowd, I can sum it all up like this: Trump was given an unlocked iPad (looking at you, Mike Pence) and was tweeting wild and recklessly again—or, it’s just a normal Wednesday in the White House.