It’s the 60-second recap of this week’s Basketball Wives, so let’s get crackin’! We begin with Suzie and Royce pretending to play tennis. Royce needs to get her roots done but instead complains about Meeka. Suzie is confused. Shocker.
Evelyn meets up with Shaunie at the beach. Shaunie wears a nice beach outfit and hat; Evelyn wears two big breasts. Thanks to the combination of watching Shaunie pretend to care about Shaq’s kids' sand castle and looking down at her own breasts, Evelyn decides she wants twins with her new boo, Chad "I Wanna Be on Television" Ochocinco. The plan? In vitro. She talks about it like she’s getting Indian Remy put in her hair.
So Evelyn and Chad take a walk through a park to have a deep discussion about having twins. During said discussion, Chad learns that Evelyn is 35 years old. Yeah, this relationship will last forever, like Ossie and Ruby Dee. Woof.
Now we’re at the fertilization office with Evelyn. She’s emphatic that she doesn’t want girls, just boys. Good — that saves us from hearing her call her newborn girls "twin bitches." Chad finds out what all this in vitro fertilization stuff entails with a visit to the masturbation room. He needs lotion.
Over in Royce land, the tiny dancer throws a MySpace guest-list pool party. We meet her new boyfriend, Brian, and her “real friends” Victoria and Jessica, who are described as fellow dancers. My Spidey sense tells me that Victoria and Jessica dance at places with two-drink minimums and no-touch policies, but that’s just me. Royce informs V&J that Brian ain’t getting none. Brian is a sucker.
Later, the lovebirds take a useless trip to a pet store. She gets emotional about a dog. She lost a dog. Brian buys her the dog. Brian is a sucker. Then, in a scene you watched last year, just without the terrible barbecue, Royce's dad says that he has some reservations about the sucker. He doesn’t say this, but he’d prefer she kick it with the Gazillionaire Who Shall Not Be Named (Dwight Howard) instead, but that ain’t happening. Moving on.
Over at a random café, Suzie hooks up with our new girl, messy Meeka. She's confused about the drama she created among some of the cast members, so she asks advice from Miss Confusion, Suzie. Suzie’s advice? Talk to Shaunie. Thanks; you’ve been helpful. So Meeka follows Suzie's advice and meets with Shaunie, who pretends that she knows nothing about the drama with Tami and Royce, even though she’s executive producer of Basketball Wives. BTW, where are Jenn and Tami?
Back to Royce and Suzie. Why? They bore me! Suzie says she’s been thinking, which is always a bad idea. Her thought? Get Royce together with everyone. Suzie is brilliant. Royce agrees to do it, brick in hand. So Royce starts off her beef-squashing tour with Meeka. Do we really even care about this overdramatized Royce/Meeka/Tami beef, y’all? Seriously. Meeka says she has to decide who to spend time with. Earth to Meeka: No one likes you.
And here’s Jenn! Jenn is chilling with Evelyn at a restaurant, bitching about Royce being cool with her soon-to-be ex-husband, Eric Williams’ Teeth. Suzie and Royce come through. We begin with Royce telling Evelyn, "I don’t like you." E goes ditto. Royce then turns to Jenn and says she thinks she leaked dem nasty woman pictures. Next, Royce calls Evelyn a ho, and Evelyn says "you’re a ho, too." Wait, does that mean Evelyn agrees that she is indeed a ho? I think so. Finally, Evelyn throws a glass at Royce, and Royce throws one back: five-second fight! Bodyguards jump in, and the white folks eating in the restaurant wish for a return to segregation. And … scene!
Lawrence Ross is the author of the Los Angeles Times best-seller The Divine Nine: The History of African American Fraternities and Sororities. His newest book, Blackballed: The Black and White Politics of Race on America’s Campuses, is a blunt and frank look at the historical and contemporary issue of campus racism on predominantly white college campuses. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram.