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It would feel like hell outside across much of the country on the day O.J. Simpson had a parole hearing to determine whether or not he could leave the Lovelock Correctional Center in Lovelock, Nev., a few years early.

Of course, nearly a decade ago, a group of men led by Simpson entered a room in the Palace Station hotel in Las Vegas to collect personal items from a memorabilia dealer. Three days later, his silly ass was arrested for his involvement in the robbery.

A year later, on Oct. 3, 2008—exactly 13 years to the day after he was acquitted on charges that he murdered his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend Ron Goldman—O.J. was found guilty on all charges. A few months later, he was sentenced to 33 years in prison with eligibility for parole in nine years.

Image via Giphy

If you are wondering just what I think of O.J. Simpson, Johnnie Cochran fictitiously saying “Nigga please” best summarizes my thoughts, coupled with a bloody knife, a Bronco and a man I’d never want to be around alone.

Well, the parole hearing has promptly started, and I will say, of a woman-beater who many understandably believe is a murderer, he looks quite fit for a 70-year-old man. I see someone is already thinking about looking good on some awful reality show that none of us should watch but might end up seeing a few minutes of anyway because God is still working on all of us.

It’s funny, the seemingly nice woman on the parole board just told O.J. that his parole hearing is like everyone else’s. I can’t knock O.J. for laughing, because how many parole hearings are covered on national television?

Michael Arceneaux

Michael Arceneaux is the author of "I Can't Date Jesus," which will be released July 24, 2018 by Atria Books/Simon & Schuster, but go ahead and pre-order it now.

Twitter Posts

Michael Arceneaux

7/20/17 1:26pm

O.J. is a Baptist? Can’t wait for the “I don’t her” tweets.

Michael Arceneaux

7/20/17 1:25pm

I love that the parole board heard O.J.’s account and hit him with a smooth “nah.”

Michael Arceneaux

7/20/17 1:24pm

I want a rapper - maybe me if I get my life together and book studio time - to loop O.J. Simpson constantly saying “my property” and flip it into a track.

Michael Arceneaux

7/20/17 1:23pm

An MSNBC/NBC analyst said it was looking good for O.J. to be granted parole, but I guess when Johnnie Cochran can’t coach you from the beyond, you’re doom for self-sabotage. Watch your tone, Black man. Yes, you’re still Black, O.J. I wonder does he know that by now.

Stephen A. Crockett Jr.

7/20/17 1:22pm

He ain’t getting out.

Michael Arceneaux

7/20/17 1:21pm

O.J. raised his voice a little at the man. Settle down, Bronco Boy. You want to get out before Blue Ivy drops another rap verse.

Michael Arceneaux

7/20/17 1:20pm

Did O.J. just say no one has ever accused him of never pulling out a weapon on them? Can someone lead an impromptu séance? I believe there are two people who feel otherwise. Allegedly or whatever.

Michael Arceneaux

7/20/17 1:19pm

O.J. is also noticeably wrinkle-free. Show me your non-abusive ways, Orenthal James.

Michael Arceneaux

7/20/17 1:18pm

I am so glad someone mentioned his skin. It’s glowing and so clear and he’s old enough to date Blanche Devereaux - even from the grave - yet his skin is so clear. It’s glowing even. Disclaimer: this does not mean I support accused murderers, but I do want to know if someone is putting money on his books strictly for moisturizer and anti-aging cream, and if so, what are the brands.

Michael Arceneaux

7/20/17 1:15pm

This monologue O.J. is delivering is giving me “Tyler Perry movie if Tyler tried harder while using Final Draft.”

Michael Arceneaux

7/20/17 1:14pm

O.J. is already flexing the thespian skills he learned from The Naked Gun movies.

Michael Arceneaux

7/20/17 1:10pm

They are cracking jokes at O.J.’s parole hearing. He might as well start two-stepping and ask the woman if she’d like to dance with him to “Before I Let Go.” She is his type, no shade.