Admittedly, I watch congressional hearings even when I’m not covering them. I also watch Supreme Court confirmation hearings, but not because I believe anything will change because of them. It’s like watching professional wrestling: We all know the fights are scripted, but it doesn’t stop us from cheering for a winner.
Neil Gorsuch’s Senate confirmation hearing for a seat on the Supreme Court is a waste of time, truthfully, since he will surely be confirmed, even after the punk-ass Republicans refused to do their job and stole Merrick Garland’s Supreme Court seat.
Shout out Garland for being a real man about this.
Can you imagine your boss coming over to your desk or your cubicle or your workstation and telling you that you’ve gotten a lifetime-appointment promotion, but they’re just waiting on human resources to finish up the paperwork, and HR just stopped functioning because you had a beef with HR at the last Christmas party?! That’s the Republican Congress, so yeah, fuck them.
Also double shoutout, Garland. You could’ve been real petty, but you’re back to doing whatever you were doing before my-president-for-life nominated you.
Speaking of petty, I’m praying to Blac Chyna that the congressional Democrats, all of Dem, do whatever they can to delay the shit out of Gorsuch’s appointment. I want Gorsuch to be in limbo longer than Maze has been featuring Frankie Beverly.
Anyway, these hearings have been weird as hell; below is all the weirdness I’ve witnessed.
Da Fuq Is an Originalist?
This is some cutesy shit that Gorsuch has made up to define himself as someone who follows the original interpretation of the Constitution and is legally rooted in now-deceased conservative Justice Antonin Scalia’s beliefs (the justice Gorsuch is replacing). You remember Scalia—he was the man whose daughter invited Clarence Thomas out to his house for a weekend, and then a silent auction ensued and Thomas was relegated to “the sunken place.” Anyway, Gorsuch wants to paint himself as a follower of Scalia, but Cosmopolitan has already debunked the myth with an article titled, “9 Reasons Constitutional Originalism Is Bullsh*t.”
“I Would Have Walked Out the Door”
I highly doubt that Gorsuch would’ve walked out of the room had then-President-elect Vladimir TrumPutin, aka Tiny Twitter Fingers, asked him to reverse Roe v. Wade. But that’s what he said. That sound bite sure sounded good, but I have no reason, based on court cases or behavior, to believe that Gorsuch would, in fact, have walked out the door. Something tells me he wouldn’t have been that offended or that rude.
Gorsuch and the Case of the Frozen Trucker
This is the case that the Democrats have been hammering away on because it shows that Gorsuch may have a tendency to follow the letter of the law even if it means that he comes off like a dick.
Here’s how CNN describes the case:
The case involves a lawsuit brought by a trucker, Alphonse Maddin, against his former employer, Trans Am Trucking, which found its way to Gorsuch’s current place of employment, the 10th US Circuit Court of Appeals in Colorado.
Here is how the judges who ruled in favor of Maddin describe the facts of the case:
“Alphonse Maddin was employed as a truck driver by ... TransAm Trucking. ... In January 2009, Maddin was transporting cargo through Illinois when the brakes on his trailer froze because of subzero temperatures. After reporting the problem to TransAm and waiting several hours for a repair truck to arrive, Maddin unhitched his truck from the trailer and drove away, leaving the trailer unattended. He was terminated for abandoning the trailer.”
At 11:17 p.m., Maddin called his emergency into a dispatcher who promised that help would be summoned. Two hours later at 1:18 a.m., Maddin was still waiting for help, but by now his torso and feet were feeling numb from the cold. It seems the heat in the truck wasn’t working properly.
The driver called in again, but this time a dispatcher warned him not to leave the freezing truck. He called the dispatcher again, saying he couldn’t feel his feet and was having trouble breathing. Finally, Maddin unhooked the truck, pulled it 3 feet in front of the trailer and proceeded to call the dispatcher yet again. He was instructed either to drag the trailer with the frozen brakes with him—probably an impossible task—or continue to wait in the freezing cab until help arrived. Maddin ignored the order and drove away with what little gas he had left. For this act of insubordination, he was fired.
And this is the part that the Dems, rightfully so, can’t get over: Gorsuch agreed with the firing!
Gorsuch Sometimes Sounds Like Batman
Whenever Gorsuch is grilled on something, like his court rulings or anything that is basically being asked by a Democrat, he does this weird thing with his voice where he drops it low (his voice, not his hind parts) to sound really serious, but he just ends up sounding like Batman, and it’s weird and creepy.
Watch the clip below and tell me you don’t pick up shades of Batman:
The Black Woman to Gorsuch’s Left
Don’t think for a second that the strategically placed black woman wasn’t decided in a room long before the hearing. That seat isn’t accidental. She’s been there all three days looking attractive and African American. Nothing says, “I’m not racist”—which, to his credit, no one has said of Gorsuch—like a strategically placed black woman.
Shoutout to Heavy.com for doing the Lord’s work and finding out that the woman is named Mary Elizabeth Taylor and she works for the White House in the Legislative Affairs Unit. Everything you ever wanted to know about her can be found here.
Gorsuch and Ted Cruz Need to Get a Room
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) is weird. He’s weird-looking and weird acting, and just weird. We all know that these hearings are a joke, but these two turned it into the opening credits of Laverne & Shirley. They were a regular “Schlemiel and Schlimazel” out there. Watch this unabashed display of man love below.
Al Franken Gives No Fucks
If Sen. Al Franken (D-Minn.) found a fuck in his coat pocket, he’d wonder how it got there and then promptly throw it in the garbage. Because Franken doesn’t give a fuck. He goes hard in the congressional paint. He frustrated Gorsuch and held his feet to the flame; shut his ass down when he started wandering off with his dumb answers; and continually demanded that he answer the questions he was asked. Gorsuch is elusive—not Mike Pence Matrix-level elusive, but he’s getting there. Watch the full 30 minutes below (trust me; it’s worth it).