A List of the Dumbest Sneakers I Own

I own a lot of sneakers. Many of them are cool. Some of them are dumb. Here are the dumbest.

I bought these for my book tour last year because the black and yellow was supposed to signify me taking Pittsburgh everywhere with me. But on feet, they look like something a Transformer would wear to an after-prom. Also, they weigh five pounds each—which means if you twist an ankle you might rupture an Achilles, too.

Matte black shoes are good in theory, but in practice, it looks like I’m wearing coal. Or like I just got really, really, really ashy.

I bought them because I’d never seen anything like them. But there’s literally zero clothing pairings they look good with, and they feel like I’m wearing a stapler. The only reason they exist is for gym niggas to compliment you between chugs of Muscle Milk.

I actually really like these. When I first bought them, they made me feel like I was in the future. Unfortunately, future me is still dumb and hadn’t yet realized how impossible it is to keep an inch thick white sole clean. If you wear these outside for three minutes, they go from alabaster to pond juice.

I’ve literally never worn these shoes, I don’t remember even buying them, and I only still keep them because I suspect they might possess the coronavirus vaccine.