A couple who took selfies while engaged in what appears to be a sexual act atop one of the Eight Wonders of the World (my aunt Phyllis’ fried chicken was recently approved by the World Wonder sanctioning body) has sparked international outrage and prompted a necessary question:
According to the Guardian, Danish photographer Andreas Hvid, who is known for his groundbreaking work in the field of climbing shit and taking photos, recently posted a video of him and a woman scaling the Great Pyramid at Giza at night. Once they reached the top, Hvid filmed the woman removing her top and later released a pic of his partner and him engaged in one of the oldest acts known to mankind:
White people shit.
The photo and video have caused a furor in the conservative, heavily Muslim country of Egypt. Prosecutors are investigating whether the photos are real (Hvid insists they are) and how he was able to breach a tightly secured area at night.
The images are considered disrespectful to Egypt’s heritage as well as a desecration of what is essentially a sacred burial ground. The country’s citizens are regularly charged with indecency for things like wearing revealing clothes. Egyptian antiquities minister Khaled al-Anany called the act a “violation of public morality,” according to the newspaper al-Ahram.
Although the debate over whether the Hvid should be arrested will continue, there are a few questions for which I need answers.
- Why are white people like this? Whether it is desecrating one of the oldest marvels of the natural world, Rachel N’Benedict Arnold Chakra Zulu Dolezal infiltrating the NAACP or the video of uber-Becky Emilie Brooklyn doing the Harlem Shake in front of the Marcy Housing Project, their arsenal of fuckshit seems to be bottomless. What drives their belief that everything in the world is a whites-only toilet to be shat on?
- What if someone disrespected a white cultural landmark? White people call the police on black people sitting quietly in Starbucks, canvassing in gated neighborhoods or taking naps at Ivy League dorm rooms. Why don’t they have the same respect for other people’s property?
- Is there a colonizer gene? This proves that we need to push more people of color in STEM. I need our best and brightest black researchers to get involved with the Human Genome Project so they can identify the genetic marker for gentrification.
- Is white sex really that boring? Why do they need to tie a noose around shower bar while they masturbate to people in animatronic mascot uniforms to achieve an orgasm? What’s wrong with regular sex? To be fair, I’ve had sex in exotic locales like a Motel 6 or the back seat of a 1988 Buick Regal. Even Humpty Hump admits to getting busy in a Burger King bathroom. But none of this requires subterfuge that would spark international outrage.
- Why can’t they leave “well enough” alone? Couldn’t they have been content with going to the pyramids like regular tourists? This is why white people can’t have nice things. Well, they actually have nice things, but they have a desperate need to make them nicer. They can’t look at the Golden Gate Bridge; they need to parasail off of it. They appreciate potato salad, but they also think, “Why not put Craisins in this?” Also, what the fuck are Craisins? Were raisins not good enough? Why do cranberries need to look like they had stomach stapling surgery?
- Has anyone checked with the Alphas? How about the community of people who wear copper ankhs and end sentences with “Asé”? I’m sure they’re outraged at these shenanigans. But again, the most important question is:
- “Why, though?”
While the situation has not been resolved, I look forward to Andreas Hvid’s episode of Locked Up Abroad.