Ten days ago, 64 melanin-deficient standouts grabbed their flip-flops, business suits and privilege to compete in the world-renowned battle to see who will be crowned the champion of wypipo. Yet, this competition has led many to level accusations of racism against our tournament organizers.
Some accused us of reinforcing negative stereotypes of Caucasians. Even though we have repeatedly reminded readers that we aren’t talking about all white people, some still say this competition is deeply hurtful. To those people, we offer the same solution given to us every time something negative happens to black people in America:
Don’t complain if you didn’t vote.
Let’s look at our bracket so far:
When judging any competition between white men, instead of using emotions, the fair way to compare them is to judge them by their résumés. Here are the highlights.
Career objective: To start a race war
Experience: Founder of white supremacist website the Daily Stormer
- According to the Southern Poverty Law Center, the Daily Stormer has eclipsed Stormfront as the most popular white supremacist hate site on the internet (SPLC didn’t include Whitehouse.gov).
- Created the popular hashtags #RaceWarNow and #GasTheKikes.
- Inspired Dylann Roof, who killed nine parishioners at the historic Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church in Charleston, S.C., in hopes of starting a race war.
- Inspired James Jackson, charged with stabbing to death a 66-year-old black man in New York City’s Times Square in hopes of starting a race war.
- Richard Spencer—the inventor of the term “alt-right.”
- Tanya Gersh—Andrew Anglin convinced thousands of Daily Stormer readers to harass this Jewish woman who sued Anglin after she received numerous death threats.
- Taylor Dumpson—American University’s first black female student body president, whom Anglin convinced his legions to terrorize by placing nooses and bananas around campus.
Career objective: To return to the ways of the Old South and live up to his name—Jefferson Beauregard Sessions
Experience: U.S. attorney, senator, U.S. attorney general, Vladimir Putin puppet
- As a U.S. attorney, Sessions took over a case in which the Ku Klux Klan slit the throat of a young black man and hanged him from a tree. When Sessions heard that the Klansmen smoked marijuana before the lynching, Sessions said of the KKK: “I thought they were OK until I learned they smoked pot.”
- Told a black U.S. attorney to “be careful what you say around white folks.”
- Reinstituted mandatory minimums as soon as he took office.
- Vows that he will never support laws against hate crimes.
- I don’t know if we’ve mentioned this before during this tournament, but Jeff Sessions hates marijuana.
- Donald Trump
- Steve Bannon
- Coretta Scott King—who wrote a letter saying Sessions lacked “temperament, fairness and judgment”
Whites Gone Wild
Last year, Crescent Leadership Academy, a charter school in New Orleans, had only two nonblack students. The vision of the school was “to lead a challenging curriculum, be positive role models and create safe learning environments for children.”
Then someone discovered that Nicholas Dean, the principal of CLA, was a white supremacist. Even in his apology, he tried to explain that he was just proud of his heritage and that he was being castigated for his innocent love of Confederate statues, Nazi regalia and swastikas.
Dick Wesenduck, a North Carolina middle school teacher and coach, is cited for explaining to one of his students why the kid shouldn’t be upset with him because he didn’t call him “a nigger.”
Wesenduck went on a tirade that included telling the student that he was acting like a slave by being upset with another student.
“Did I call you a nigger? No. I said you were being controlled, by kids. That is exactly what happened to the slaves. They were controlled by their owners. You’re letting him control you, and you’re the one who’s getting in trouble.”
To be fair to Wesenduck, any history book will tell you that’s what happened to the slaves. Although they were kidnapped from their homeland, tortured, raped and made to work for free as human chattel, any scholar will tell you that the most heinous thing about slavery was actually the name-calling.
Both of these teams survived very close matchups in the round of 16. Here’s what this matchup boils down to (no, that pun was not intended; I’m better than that).
Most people think that the Flint, Mich., water crisis was discovered by city or state officials. Some think it was discovered by the industrious citizens of the city. Nope. Here’s how the crisis was discovered:
Virginia Tech researchers couldn’t figure out why 12 people in and around Flint had died from a rare outbreak of Legionnaires’ disease while another 90 had become severely ill. They tested the water and released the results. Everyone in Flint was shocked and outraged.
Flint city officials had already known that the water was dangerous for two years. They hid it and continued to let people drink it.
But if you think that’s despicable, do you have any white friends who voted for Donald Trump? Yes, you do. Most white voters voted for Donald Trump, so statistically speaking, your friend probably did, too.
That’s why white allies aren’t just annoying—they’re dangerous. I can respect a redneck with a Confederate flag on the back of his F-150, but I am always suspicious of Caucasians loudly beating the drum for social justice or equality. Those are the ones who will condemn Trump loudly but support him behind the anonymity of a voting booth.
White allies will like your Facebook post about police brutality but won’t say anything when Aunt Miranda says something racist at Thanksgiving around impressionable nieces and nephews. Racism exists in part because white allies lull us into the faulty belief that we have more people on our side than we really do.
Besides, there is no need for white allies because wypipo wearing Black Lives Matter T-shirts or reposting articles about injustice does nothing to curb inequality. There is no value in preaching to the choir. If there are white people who have no bias and really want to help eradicate racism, what the hell are you hanging around me for? I need you speaking up and dropping knowledge around as many white people as humanly possible!
Unlike those in the Groups/Companies/ Organizations category, both DeVos and Conway won by landslides in the round of 16. Now they face each other to see who is the ultimate Becky.
There are a lot of people who dislike DeVos but don’t know the specifics of why. School choice is the least of the reasons you should hate DeVos. As secretary of education, DeVos is a walking, talking embodiment of what is wrong with American schools. She used her family’s money and power to turn school districts across the country into dumpster fires—most notably in Michigan. Her goal has always been twofold:
- To implement the ideas of capitalism into education
- To turn schools into religious institutions advocating white Christian values that will “advance God’s Kingdom” and “build God’s Army”
It is hard to understand how we can attract more qualified teachers when the head of the Education Department is wholly unqualified. The Washington Post reported:
DeVos isn’t an educator, or an education leader. She’s not an expert in pedagogy or curriculum or school governance. In fact, she has no relevant credentials or experience for a job setting standards and guiding dollars for the nation’s public schools.
She is, in essence, a lobbyist—someone who has used her extraordinary wealth to influence the conversation about education reform, and to bend that conversation to her ideological convictions despite the dearth of evidence supporting them.
Kellyanne Conway is just a liar.
Well, maybe she is a little more than that. Donald Trump’s, Steve Bannon’s and Jeff Sessions’ white nationalist ideas sound idiotic and racist coming from the mouths of men who all look like what a kindergartner would sketch if you told him or her to draw a picture of Satan.
So they hired Kellyanne Conway as a medium to translate their hate, lies and indefensible positions into palatable chunks of sound bites for stupid people. Basically, Kellyanne Conway is the piece of cheese that Trump wrapped around his shitty medicine so America would blindly eat it like a dumb puppy.
Kellyanne Conway sold the idea of an unconstitutional travel ban by linking it to terrorism even though the Department of Homeland Security and the FBI both say foreign-born terrorism isn’t a real threat in this country. She sold the idea of building a wall, even though we have zero net migration rates from Mexico—more people leave America to move to Mexico than vice versa. She sold the idea of deporting dangerous immigrants, even though Bureau of Justice statistics say that immigrants (documented or undocumented) are less likely to commit crimes than any other group.
Kellyanne Conway is just a liar, but her lies are the foundation on which Donald Trump bases his legitimacy. Part of the reason his support hasn’t slipped below 35 percent is that there are a lot of dumb puppies who will believe all those pretty little lies.
As we move to the Final Four, we urge you to vote and to share this with your friends. The future of wypipo rests in your hands. Choose wisely.
And if you are one of the people who think that arbitrarily selecting people to make fun of and hate just because of the color of their skin is morally wrong and goes against freedom and equality, we say to you:
See how it feels?