GTFOH Trump Watch: He’s Taking This Breakup Really Hard

Illustration for article titled GTFOH Trump Watch: He’s Taking This Breakup Really Hard
Photo: MANDEL NGAN (Getty Images)

Breakups can be difficult, especially when one side didn’t see it coming.

President Trump is really struggling with America telling him that they’ve moved on. He’s still trying to make America love him again and it’s just not working. At some point, the president has to realize that it doesn’t matter how many court cases he brings, or how many times he claims voter fraud, America has moved on. It’s probably best that the president do the same.

But who are we kidding? That would imply that the president for the next month and a half has a sense of self-awareness and no one has ever said that this president is good at reading the room. So now, after all 50 states have certified the election results making Joe Biden the next president of the United States, 17 states are following Texas’ lead and want the Supreme Court to overturn Biden’s win because they don’t like it.

In what can only be considered the largest case of “Let me speak to your manager” in the history of America, on Wednesday, some 17 states all won by Trump have decided to join “Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton’s bid to file a lawsuit that could effectively reverse President-elect Joe Biden’s projected Electoral College victory,” CNBC reports.

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The 17 states are the sundown state, racist state, the state of racism, we are a racist state, Blacks aren’t welcomed here state, Mississippi, racism state, Alabama, hatred of coloreds state, Florida, the state of not caring for Black people, the police will beat you for no reason state, we love guns state, smuggling moonshine state, fuck your masks state, pickup trucks state, and West Virginia.

Trump has been begging for his racist coalition to form racist Voltron and go destroy some shit and racist state attorney generals finally listened. Meanwhile, Paxton, the Texas Attorney General who started all of this shit, is “under indictment for state felony securities fraud charges” CNBC reports.

The whole thing is bullshit. Legit and utter bullshit. None of this is going anywhere but who doesn’t love friends who support their exhaustive theories around breakups? Basically, these 17 states plus Texas are all of Trump’s “fuck love” girlfriends.

He’s even having lunch, a private lunch, with several Republican state attorney generals Thursday.

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According to the White House, Trump is reportedly hosting the private lunch to “discuss issues important to their citizens and the country,” CBS correspondent, Weijia Jiang, tweeted on Wednesday. 

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This is a basic bitch brunch in which everyone gathered will get drunk off mimosas made with really cheap champagne and tell the president how wrong America is for leaving him.

But, don’t worry, America. Even the Supreme Court can’t make us get back together with him.

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But...But...But..I Won Florida and Ohio!

President Trump has been pushing this claim on Twitter (which has basically auto-formatted all of the president’s tweets to include a “this nigga is lying” disclaimer) that he won Florida and Ohio, yet somehow lost the presidency which has never happened in the history of America.

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His lawyer even claimed it in a Supreme Court filing on the president’s behalf.

“President Trump prevailed on nearly every historical indicia of success in presidential elections. For example, he won both Florida and Ohio; no candidate in history—Republican or Democrat—has ever lost the election after winning both States,” John Eastman, Trump’s attorney wrote in this filing.

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The Washington Post has confirmed using a secret research interframe called “Google,” which I believe is a French word for “Encyclopedia,” and found that Richard Nixon won both Ohio and Florida and lost to John F. Kennedy.

“Nixon earned 219 electoral votes, including 10 from Florida and 25 from Ohio. Kennedy won 303 electoral votes and the presidency,” the Post reports. “Trump was a 14-year-old, somehow drawing hundreds of thousands of dollars a year from his father’s real estate business in New York.”

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Burnsauce, which is whitespeak for “Gotcha, bitch.”

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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DISCUSSION

Dr Emilio Lizardo

The Texas suit is fascinating. Not as a legal document, but as psychological analysis.

This is the party of State’s Rights suing to overturn the will of several states.

This is the party of Constitutional Originalists and Literalists ignoring Article 1, Section 4, Clause 1 of the Constitution.

This is the fucking State of Texas telling other states what to do when if any other state told Texas it was putting too much milk in its cereal, its ass would get so red you would need sunglasses in British Columbia.

Oh, well. At least we get to watch him lose the election again. Maybe this time it will give him the stroke he deserves.