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Trump Denies He Called Fallen American Soldiers ‘Losers’ and ‘Suckers,’ and I Guess We’re All Supposed to Pretend We Believe Him

President Donald Trump speaks to reporters upon arrival at Andrews Air Force Base in Maryland on September 3, 2020.
President Donald Trump speaks to reporters upon arrival at Andrews Air Force Base in Maryland on September 3, 2020.
Photo: Mandel Ngan (Getty Images)

Y’all’s president has his adult diapers all in a bunch over a report published by The Atlantic on Thursday that claims he made multiple disparaging remarks about members of the U.S. military who were killed or injured in combat. Considering that we are about two months away from the election that will decide whether Trump’s enormous orange ass-print stays in the chair inside the Oval Office—not to mention the fact that he’s been making such a big deal recently out of professional athletes kneeling during the national anthem because they are disrespecting the troops—I imagine this report comes at a pretty inconvenient time for the tangerine-supreme Lord Goya Beans.

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First, let’s look at the report from The Atlantic:

When President Donald Trump canceled a visit to the Aisne-Marne American Cemetery near Paris in 2018, he blamed rain for the last-minute decision, saying that “the helicopter couldn’t fly” and that the Secret Service wouldn’t drive him there. Neither claim was true.

Trump rejected the idea of the visit because he feared his hair would become disheveled in the rain, and because he did not believe it important to honor American war dead, according to four people with firsthand knowledge of the discussion that day. In a conversation with senior staff members on the morning of the scheduled visit, Trump said, “Why should I go to that cemetery? It’s filled with losers.” In a separate conversation on the same trip, Trump referred to the more than 1,800 marines who lost their lives at Belleau Wood as “suckers” for getting killed.

Belleau Wood is a consequential battle in American history, and the ground on which it was fought is venerated by the Marine Corps. America and its allies stopped the German advance toward Paris there in the spring of 1918. But Trump, on that same trip, asked aides, “Who were the good guys in this war?” He also said that he didn’t understand why the United States would intervene on the side of the Allies.

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First of all. What kind of bootleg presidential helicopter y’all got that just won’t fly? Y’all ain’t got no White House Pep Boys to keep your vehicles up to code? What’s next, Air Force One is out of commission because it needs an oil change and the engine blew a head gasket? (I don’t know anything about planes so I’m just referencing car maintenance shit.) And are we to believe that the Secret Service can just say “nah” when the president requests that they escort him on a simple trip? What kind of weak-ass, ghetto-ass administration is this?

I believe him about his concern for his hair, though. In fact, I commend him for it. Trump’s hair is a living being too, after all. Whenever the president makes a public appearance, his hair is the first one to wave at everyone. Plus, his hair is probably being held against its will. How many times have we seen it attempting to run away from Trump’s head? Do toupee lives not matter?

Anyway, according to the New York Times, “a visibly angry” Trump vehemently denied making these disrespectful remarks about fallen soldiers.

“If people really exist that would have said that, they’re lowlifes and they’re liars,” Trump told reporters Thursday after returning from a campaign rally. “And I would be willing to swear on anything that I never said that about our fallen heroes. There is nobody that respects them more.” He then asked, “What animal would say such a thing?”

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Oh, I don’t know. Maybe the same kind of animal who in 2015 said of the late John McCain—who, as a Navy pilot, spent around five-and-a-half years in a notorious North Vietnamese prison—“He’s not a war hero. He was a war hero because he was captured. I like people who weren’t captured.”

In fact, according to The Atlantic’s report, sources claim that when McCain died in August 2018, Trump told his staff, “We’re not going to support that loser’s funeral.” The report also claims he “became furious” when he saw flags lowered to half-staff and asked his aids, “What the fuck are we doing that for? Guy was a fucking loser.”

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All I’m saying is, even if the report from The Atlantic is full of lies, they are easy lies to believe because they match the president’s character so well.

You’d never believe this shit about Obama.

Zack Linly is a poet, performer, freelance writer, blogger and grown man lover of cartoons

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DISCUSSION

Dr Emilio Lizardo

Real heroes don’t get killed in action! Real heroes lie about having bone spurs to avoid the action entirely!

When Trump dies someday (soon, please) would it be possible to fly the flags even higher?