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Trump Wants Biden to Take Drug Test Before First Debate

Illustration for article titled Trump Wants Biden to Take Drug Test Before First Debate
Photo: Drew Angerer (Getty Images)

I don’t think we ever discussed the similarities between President Trump and boxer Floyd Mayweather Jr.

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Both men are at the top of their game: one a pugilist and the other a racist. Both men have trouble reading big words. Both men have more money than me, and both men have requested that their opponents be tested for drugs.

Yep, you read that last part right. The president of the meth voting bloc is requesting that he and former Vice President Joe Biden both be drug tested before their first debate on Sept. 29.

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According to the Washington Examiner (I know, I know), on Wednesday, during an Oval Office interview, the president of people who believe that the pizza parlor is really a secret pedophile lair, questioned Biden’s vast improvement during the Democratic primary and believes that the former vice president could have only gotten his shit together with drugs.

Of course, the president of people who watch animal porn offered nothing even remotely looking like evidence to support his accusation.

“Nobody thought that he was even going to win,” Trump told the Examiner. “Because his debate performances were so bad. Frankly, his best performance was against Bernie. We’re going to call for a drug test, by the way, because his best performance was against Bernie. It wasn’t that he was Winston Churchill because he wasn’t, but it was a normal, boring debate. You know, nothing amazing happened. And we are going to call for a drug test because there’s no way—you can’t do that.”

The Examiner notes that Biden “took part in 11 debates during the primary season. Most were against a crowded field of candidates, but the final debate, on March 15, was just Biden and Sen. Bernie Sanders. The president claimed to see a big difference between the last debate and those that came before.

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From the Examiner:

Q: “What do you think was going on?”

“I don’t know how he could have been so incompetent in his debate performances and then all of a sudden be OK against Bernie,” Trump answered. “My point is, if you go back and watch some of those numerous debates, he was so bad. He wasn’t even coherent. And against Bernie, he was. And we’re calling for a drug test.”

Q: “Is this like a prizefight, where beforehand you have a test?”

“Well, it is a prizefight,” Trump answered. “It’s no different from the gladiators, except we have to use our brain and our mouth. And our body to stand. I want all standing; they want to sit down.”

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Biden’s alleged drug use was based solely on the president’s observations.

“All I can tell you is that I’m pretty good at this stuff,” Trump said. “I look. I watched him in the debates with all of the different people. He was close to incompetent, if not incompetent, and against Bernie, he was normal ... and I say, ‘How does that happen?’”

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When Trump said that he’s “pretty good at this stuff,” is Trump talking about drugs? Is Trump good at drugs? Is Trump a drug addict? Since we are spitballing here and basing our wildly unsupported claims merely on observations then I would like to enter into the record that Trump’s sniffles, slurring of words and overall assholishness are a lot like one of my uncles on my mother’s side. (Looking at you, uncle “fucked up Thanksgiving that one year when the dope boys kept running in and out of the house.”)

The Examiner notes that the first debate is almost a month away and there has been no indication if Trump has told Biden’s camp to submit to a drug test and whether or not Biden has threatened to take him behind the Hot Shoppes for some fisticuffs.

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“I think it’s appropriate,” Trump said. “I don’t know that they’ll let me do it, but I think that they should do it.”

“Go back and watch his performances in some of those debates,” Trump continued. “He didn’t know where he was. And all of a sudden, he was not good, he was normal, and I don’t understand how. I don’t know if there is or not, but somebody said to me, ‘He must be on drugs.’ I don’t know if that’s true or not, but I’m asking for a drug test. Both candidates. Me, too. I take an aspirin a day.”

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Apparently Trump made the same request of Hillary Clinton in 2016 after their second debate in October when Clinton mopped the floor with the orange sandbag.

“I think we should take a drug test prior to the debate,” Trump said then. “We should take a drug test prior because I don’t know what’s going on with her.” There were no drug tests.

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I like the idea of drug testing before debates, but only if the tests test for Adderall.


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Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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Najeh Davenport's Laundry Basket

“Standing? Nobody stands better than I do, believe me. Most people don’t know this, but David Blaine (tremendous stander, btw) challenged me to a standing contest, and I beat his world record. But the Guinness Book of Fake News refused to publish it.  Extremely unfair!