Day 1 was the day. The tone was set. The big Joker was played. They could’ve dropped the mic and walked off after one day of a virtual Democratic National Convention and America would’ve been just as hype and ready to take down one of the worst administrations this side of Belarus.
But nope, there had to be a Day 2 and sadly, no one holds the star power of former First Lady Michelle Obama. Not even former President Bill Clinton, who should have brought out Arsenio Hall and pulled out some shades and a saxophone and tried to conjure up the magic he once had. At best, his speech was “meh.” And let’s not act like he wasn’t on a plane with Jeffrey Epstein at one point in his life. Like if there was anyone during this climate who shouldn’t have been on this stage, it was Bill Clinton. I get why he was there, but at this point, he adds nothing, not one thing, to anything he’s involved in. In fact, depending on where you stand, he might even take away from it. As time has proven with most white allies, eventually they show their true cards and he went all-in with his “I’m not racist but I’m about to say some racist shit” bag when Barack was running against Hillary. So at this point, I’m cool on Bill.
Meanwhile, former Democratic presidential nominee and Secretary of State John Kerry also said something, but I wasn’t listening to that shit either. At this point, John Kerry is Ja Rule and no one is out here trying to get Ja Rule on the phone to see what he thinks. Like where did they find this bama, and did we really need to hear how bad Donald Trump is to America?
Look, I’ve never been shy about my love for Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. She is goddamn amazing, and her takedown of Ted Yoho’s verbal assault—in which he called her a “fucking bitch”—should be a study on how to be both poised and ready to fuck a punk up on sight. But I can’t say that her 90-second endorsement of Sen. Bernie Sanders didn’t have me and most of America scratching our scalps. Like, “Oh shit, there’s a fire,” AOC done gone rogue. Thankfully, she went on Twitter to explain to those of us who didn’t know this was a formality.
I guess NBC News was also confused as they didn’t waste any time tweet-bashing AOC only to apologize after sending haters and assholes her way:
Chuck Schumer also said some shit but I’m going to need him to get back to the Senate so he can run us those stimulus checks. Until then, I’m not really trying to hear anything Schumer has to say because I only speak guapanese.
But Day 2 wasn’t a complete wash. Biden finally activated his presidential credit card and lost the “presumptive” title, which I got sick of writing this past month, and accepted the Democratic nomination for president.
The star of the night, the piece de resistance, the one I’m rooting for in all of this and actually made me like Biden a bit more, was Jacquelyn, the New York Times security guard who was caught yelling, “I love you Joe Biden” as he was taking the elevator up to meet with the editorial board. That moment, that elevator moment, was as pure as everyone who has ever worked in these buildings during famous visits and knows that you aren’t supposed to have a human reaction. You aren’t supposed to actually like the people who visit or, god forbid, have an actual fangirl moment. And Jacquelyn did that. And just when you thought America couldn’t love her anymore, she was asked to nominate Biden for president, and her speech in front of the elevator was beautiful.
“I take powerful people up in my elevator all the time. When they get off, they go to their important meetings. Me? I just head back to the lobby,” Jacquelyn said. “But in the short time I spent with Joe Biden, I could tell he really saw me, that he actually cared, that my life meant something to him.”
“And I knew, even when he went into his important meeting, he’d take my story in there with him,” she added.
The state roll call was also cute and needed because nothing says let’s wind this thing down like listening to a bunch of politicians spouting pre-recorded messages. Regular citizens from each state got to stand in front of iconic historical state landmarks (think, the Edmund Pettus Bridge in Alabama) and cast their states’ votes for Joe Biden.
John Legend closed out the night with “Never Break.” Which was nice.
I know that this is not a competition, but Day 3 did not come to play with you and your little friends.
This day is going to have many folks in their homes ugly crying into a pillow because this is the day that Sen. Kamala Harris accepts the nomination for vice president and, politics aside, this is a historical moment and one America won’t forget.
Plus, videos like this are already moving around and punching folks right in the feels.
Yes, the Kamala Hive and the AKAs are going to be relentless on your timeline and they should be.
Oh, and a junior senator from Chicago is speaking. Maybe you’ve heard of him? Barack Obama. Expect him to tear the house down. Not because he’s going to speak highly of Biden, which, of course, he’s going to, but because we hate this phase of the breakup where your ex has been drinking water and exfoliating and their skin is clear and they lost weight and still don’t want to fuck with you.
Other speakers will include Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren, who came within an ant’s eyelash of being America’s vice president (I don’t know this but I’d like to think that because I like her a lot; Biden does, too), former first lady Hillary Clinton, Wisconsin Gov. Tony Evers, New Mexico Gov. Michelle Lujan Grisham and former Arizona Rep. Gabrielle Giffords.
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