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Day 1 of Satan’s Workshop, aka the Republican National Convention: It’s All About the Trumps

Illustration for article titled Day 1 of Satan’s Workshop, aka the Republican National Convention: It’s All About the Trumps
Photo: Travis Dove (Getty Images)

I never thought this day would come. No, seriously, I just figured Trump would be so confident in Russia’s ability to steal a second election that he wouldn’t even bother with a convention, and yet, here we are.

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Satan’s workshop starts Monday, and there are so many things that must be addressed, but first I want to send a great big DJ Khaled, “You played yourself!” to Devin Nunes, Nestor, Lindsey Graham, Candace Owens, Diamond and Silk, that sheriff who dyes his beard, that sweaty pastor, and this guy. After years of tap dancing for the president, none of y’all—not one of y’all—will be speaking at the Republican National Convention. It is important to note that both Nunes and Graham will be in attendance, and by attendance, I mean wherever the president will be, as both have designated roles in the administration. Most likely, Graham will be using his body as the president’s pacing walkway and Nunes will be warming the president’s grapes with his breasts.

If for some reason your life in a global pandemic is starting to feel cheerful, then please turn to the RNC on Monday to watch this all-star lineup, including: Senator Tim Scott; House Republican Whip Steve Scalise; Rep. Matt Gaetz; Rep. Jim Jordan; Nikki Haley, former U.S. ambassador to the United Nations; Republican National Committee chair Ronna McDaniel; Georgia State Rep. Vernon Jones; Kimberly Guilfoyle, Trump campaign fundraiser and girlfriend of Donald Trump Jr.; Mark and Patricia McCloskey, the St. Louis couple who pointed guns at Black Lives Matter protesters; Donald Trump Jr., President Trump’s eldest son; and most importantly, Kim Klacik, Republican congressional nominee.

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If you are unfamiliar with Klacik, she is the Black woman who walked through an abandoned portion of Baltimore during a congressional video to claim that Hamsterdam needs some fixing up. In short, she is the Diamond of Silks. She is the Katrina Pierson of Candace Owens. She doesn’t have a conservative Black woman’s chance in Baltimore of winning anything and isn’t that just like the Trump administration to list a bunch of losers to speak for their loser in office.

Just in case there is a rare chance that a Black conservative is reading this and is wondering when Trump’s going to speak, well, don’t you fret, there has never been a microphone and a captive audience that the president hasn’t liked. You can expect to hear from the failed businessman every day of the Republican National Convention. Yes, every day. Every gut-damn day.

Seriously, the president is speaking every day of this fucking convention and as such, I’m going to have to cover this bullshit as if it’s real news because the president is speaking every day, so check back each day for updates because we already know that Trump is going to go off script and say something racist or sexist or both because Trump.

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Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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atcgnome
The Stig's Chamorro cousin (Chamorrovirus)

I’m actually pretty surprised they didn’t have Herman Cain on the agenda.