Trump Calls Conservative OnlyFans and Proceeds to Lie About Acing a Cognitive Test

Illustration for article titled Trump Calls Conservative OnlyFans and Proceeds to Lie About Acing a Cognitive Test
Photo: NICHOLAS KAMM (Getty Images)

President Trump wants America to know one thing: He is the most cognitive president to ever cognitive, and when it comes to cognitive functions, he will out cognitive Olympic-level cognitive motherfuckers because when it comes to cognitive shit, he’s acing it.

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On Thursday, Trump told Fox News, aka conservative OnlyFans, that doctors who gave him a cognitive test were taken aback and “very surprised” that he “aced” it, which is what crazy people say when they are trying to convince others that they aren’t crazy.

In a live phone interview with his personal ball boy (and I’m not talking about golfing), Fox News host Sean Hannity, Trump bragged about his cognitive exam test score at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center after Hannity asked whether presumptive Democratic nominee Joe Biden had the “mental alertness” to be president.

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Trump said he didn’t think Biden could punch the cognitive exam in the face the way that he did because he crushed it.

“I actually took one very recently when, you know, the radical left was saying, ‘Is he all there? Is he all there?’ I proved I was all there, because I aced it,” Trump told Hannity. “I aced the test. … He should take the same exact test, a very standard test. I took it at Walter Reed Medical Center in front of doctors and they were very surprised. They said, ‘That’s an unbelievable thing. Rarely does anyone do what you just did,’ ” the Washington Post reports

The president is doing the same thing I used do when I was a cheater, which is basically embellish the fuck out of all my stories.

From the Post:

It’s unclear exactly what cognitive test Trump was referring to in the interview. The most recent publicly disclosed cognitive test Trump took at Walter Reed was in January 2018, when the White House’s top physician said he got a perfect score. The exam Trump took then was the Montreal Cognitive Assessment, which is designed to detect mild cognitive issues, largely in older people. The 10-minute exam asks patients to identify animals in pictures, draw a clock, and perform basic word-recall exercises.

The White House did not immediately respond to a request for comment clarifying whether Trump has taken another test more recently.

Along with jabs at Biden, Trump’s latest Hannity interview also covered the Sun Belt coronavirus hotspot, Trump’s willingness to wear a mask on an upcoming public appearance and the Black Lives Matter street mural in New York that Mayor Bill de Blasio (D) helped paint, which Trump derided.

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Trump’s Hail Mary at holding on to the White House is basically, “I’m sharper than Joe Biden” especially after it took Trump two hands to drink a cup of water and having to concentrate bigly just to make it down a ramp.

Trump’s cognitive test results are another lie that Trump uses to attack Biden and his mental acuity while insisting that he’s not an old racist. Trump wants his followers to believe that he’s intelligent which isn’t difficult considering they are amazed at anyone who can do long division.

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“Look, all you gotta do is watch me, and I can hardly wait to compare my cognitive capability to the cognitive capability of the man I’m running against,” he said.

Does Trump think they’re going to be playing Jeopardy or some shit?

Trump, who has politicized wearing a mask to stop the spread of coronavirus, has always taken the presidential position of making fun of Biden for wearing a mask in public, a tune he tried to change on Thursday.

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“It’s fine to wear a mask if you feel comfortable,” he said, and added that he would wear one to visit soldiers and medical staff at Walter Reed in Bethesda.

“I don’t want to spread anything,” he told Hannity of his decision to wear one at Walter Reed, the Post reports. “And a lot of it is you spreading, not them spreading. I don’t want to cause a problem for anybody. I have no problem with masks. But it’s got to be done at the right time.”

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Umm, the right time is anytime your orange ass leaves the White House and if the president was cognitively fit he’d know that.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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DISCUSSION

Cognitive test =/= IQ test. Acing it doesn’t make you a genius. It means you probably don’t have dementia. You should not be bragging that people were very surprised you passed.