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33 Democrats Are on the New Hampshire Primary Ballot, Including Folks Who Aren’t Even Running Anymore

A voter casts a ballot at Bedford High School during the New Hampshire primary on February 11, 2020 in Bedford, New Hampshire.
A voter casts a ballot at Bedford High School during the New Hampshire primary on February 11, 2020 in Bedford, New Hampshire.
Photo: Matthew Cavanaugh (Getty Images)

Don’t worry if you didn’t know that the New Hampshire primary is Tuesday. It’s OK; it just means one of three things:

  1. You are a black person.
  2. You have a life and don’t give a shit about primaries.
  3. You are a black person, who has a life and doesn’t give a shit about primaries.

The funny thing is I’m right there with you. Plus, New Hampshire is white. Like, white-white. Call the police to report Delaware white. Ask to speak to America’s manager white. Put fruit in the macaroni and cheese white. And as a rule, I try not to focus too much attention on really white things like lacrosse, dog shows, Portlandia and primaries in New Hampshire, which is currently in a battle with Iowa for which is the whitest state.


Also, because the Democrats are solely focused on these white states—I mean, the first caucuses, which comes from the white word “avocado toast,” were in Iowa (Iowa, is 90.28 percent white and 3.51 percent black or African American, while New Hampshire is 93.9 percent white and 1.1 percent black or African American, respectively)—both are basically in a white kiss-ass competition to see who can out-white their white competitor. It’s basically like watching snow and mayonnaise have sex in a trailer, near a TV tray.

I’m not the only one who’s apathetic about the whole primary thing; New Hampshire doesn’t give a shit about it either, as no one took the time to take the names of people who dropped out of the presidential race long ago off the ballot.

As it stands, New Hampshireans, or white people, as they are called by anyone that can read the damn demographic stats, can vote for Kamala Harris, Julián Castro, Marianne Williamson, Cory Booker and Tom Steyer, all of whom have dropped out of the….

Genetta Adams, managing editor of The Root: Steyer is still in it. 

Me: Who?

G.A.: Tom Steyer. He’s still in the race.

Me: But I thought...

G.A.: That was John Delaney...two different white guys.

Me: Who is Delaney?

G.A.: The one who looks like Tim Conway and Will Ferrell had a baby.

Me: Right. Got it.

John Delaney
John Delaney
Photo: Stephen Maturen (Getty Images)

In total, there are 33 Democrats on the New Hampshire Democratic ballot and that’s because the requirements are almost nonexistent.

“In order to get on the ballot, candidates need to meet the constitutional requirements to be president (a natural-born citizen, at least 35 years of age), fill out a form, and pay a $1,000 filing fee,” Politico notes.


Trump is reportedly facing some 16 challengers but something doesn’t feel right. Here’s a look at Trump’s reported challengers:

  1. Fronald Frump
  2. Not Donald Trump
  3. Totally Not Donald Trump
  4. Amy Kloubuchar Once Ate a Salad with a Comb

But if you are into this kind of thing, just know that you are alone and that all of the polling places don’t close at the same time. “Precincts in New Hampshire close at different times depending on the town, either at 7 p.m., 7:30 p.m. or 8 p.m. Polls close at 7 p.m. in Manchester, but 8 p.m. in Nashua.”


We should probably know who is leading in votes around 8 p.m. EST, but if the clusterfuck that was the Iowa caucus is any kind of indicator, then we should know something by late July 2021.

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

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That is a thing which happens? Fucking dammit.

Also, Democrats doing their best to hand Trump the Presidency again. Double fucking dammit.