The Senate impeachment trial of Russian Vice President Donald J. Trump began around 1 p.m. Tuesday, and here’s what’s happened and what we expect to happen on the first day.
Senators, House Managers—aka the “Hit Squad”—and the White House counsel were all present and ready to go. Chief Justice Roberts brought the trial to session, saying something like, “Let’s get ready to fake rumble!” Fine, he didn’t say that, but it sounds way better than “The Senate will begin the court of impeachment…” or whatever the hell he said.
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, who’s so steeped in Russia sauce that he reportedly smells like a Russian prostitute’s piss-stained bed sheets, formally introduced the organizing resolution.
Oh, and because McConnell introduced some bullshit rules, there was an immediate challenge to those rules, which initially included 24 hours of argument from the Hit Squad and the White House, but will now take place over three days.
Shaky Sen. Susan Collins (R-Maine), whose moral compass is as wacky as the wigs in Tyler Perry’s new movie, has “raised concerns privately about both the evidence provisions and the truncated number of days that both the House impeachment managers and the president’s lawyers would have to argue their cases,” the Washington Post reports.
Expect the opening arguments to go like this:
Hit Squad: The president betrayed his oath of office, U.S. national security, and the integrity of the country’s elections during a phone call with the Ukranian president, in which he withheld congressionally approved aid in exchange for dirt on political rival Joe Biden and his son, Hunter. And he did that shit.
White House counsel: The president is being railroaded by Democrats because they don’t like him. Did he do it? Of course, he did! But, can they prove it if we don’t give them all of the evidence or allow new witnesses? Probably not.
Here is the whole trial summed up in gifs:
Republicans knowing that none of this is going to lead to an actual impeachment: