Illustration for article titled Hey Did You Know There Was a Debate on Tonight? Me Either. But Here’s Everything You Need to Know
Photo: Alex Wong (Getty Images)

So it turns out the League of Extraordinarily Lame Democratic candidates is gearing up for their final debate of the year, and what’s way more interesting than the group that will be on stage, Thursday, is the folks who won’t.

Former Housing and Urban Development Secretary Julián Castro, who has been in as many debates as Dion Waiters has played games for the Miami Heat this year, is going to miss another debate but he’ll be live-tweeting the event. This could actually be fun if Castro brings it, but he’s got to be snippy with his commentary and talk shit about the other candidates. Basically, he’s got to watch the debates the way I watch Love After Lockup.

Advertisement

The real shocker here is New Jersey Sen. Cory Booker, who is missing his first contest, will be in Iowa. Why Iowa? Well, Iowa has the most per capita white people, which is another way of saying “Heartland” or some other country-ism that says chock-full of wypipo like, “salt of the earth, or places that produce basketball players with “high motors.”

Seriously, Iowa “is one of only ten states to still hold somewhat archaic caucuses, a system of local precinct meetings where voters decide openly, by show of hand or by breaking into groups, which candidates they support and pick delegates who will vote at the state convention of each party,” reports the Economist. “The other 40 states hold primary elections in which voters cast secret ballots for their candidates and the results are used to work out the configuration of delegates at the nominating conventions.”

So no matter what, if you want to win some political shit, go to Iowa. Always go to Iowa. Booker has been a mainstay on the stage but let’s face it, the soft-faced senator with the emphatic presidential hand gestures can miss a debate or two.

Sike, he knows he needs to be on the stage and not in no damn Iowa. If I were Booker I would’ve said, “I won’t be at the event but I will be at Burlington Coat Factory because they have all kinds of Guess coats for like $14, and when is the last time you got a coat for $14?!”

Advertisement

Truthfully it doesn’t matter what Booker says, he ain’t on the damn stage. And embattled singer Chris Brown already asked, “I don’t see how you can hate from outside the club. You can’t even get in!”

This isn’t stopping Booker from premiering his first commercial during the debates and it’s actually kind of cool.

Russian operative Hawaii Rep. Tulsi Gabbard also won’t be there but it would’ve been nice to see her explain her “present” vote during Trump’s impeachment. Michael Bloomberg won’t be there but he might be able to pay Tom Steyer for his spot. Deval Patrick also won’t be on the debate stage but clearly, after his late start, he’s still running on C.P. Time.

Advertisement

Below is a preview of what to expect from the other candidates:

Joe Biden: “Back when me and Corn Pop were at the swimming pool, I looked him dead in his eye and said, ‘Listen, nefarious rabble-rouser! You don’t know this but one day I’m going to be vice-president to a black man! And that man is Barack Obama!’”

Advertisement

Bernie Sanders: “Back in 1865 when I was facing Andrew Jackson, I had one idea that didn’t work then but it might work now—and no, that idea was not socialism!”

Elizabeth Warren: “I got plans. Plans on plans on plans.”

Pete Buttigieg: “To my African-American brothers and sisters I want to say kujichagulia and girl you’re working with some hashass or whatever Juvenile says.”

Advertisement

Amy Klobuchar:As long as I have my fork, we good.”

Andrew Yang: “I make the most sense but most likely won’t win because the words I’m saying sound different coming out of the mouth of a white man.”

Advertisement

Tom Steyer: “Who am I and WTF am I doing here?!”

Senior Editor @ The Root, boxes outside my weight class, when they go low, you go lower.

Share This Story

Get our newsletter