President Donald Trump and first lady Melania Trump kind of hold hands as they make their way to board Marine One from the South Lawn of the White House in Washington, DC on October 15, 2018.
Photo: MANDEL NGAN (Getty Images)

Melania Trump is no damsel in distress; in fact, she’s a calculated genius (if her visa is to be believed) who plotted on the old orange man with the attractive bank account. But unless Scrooge McDuck sleeps with his money, Melania reportedly has no interest in laying next to his old wrinkly ass.


And that could be because of his sleeping routine. Every night before the president goes off to his sleeping coffin, he chokes a baby goat to death and then drinks 16 diet Cokes. Once he’s good and high off sugar, Rep. Devin Nunes (R-Calif.) and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) come to fluff his pillows and read him his favorite bedtime stories, Where the Wild Things Are...They’re In Russia! and Green Eggs and Ham...and Putin’s Taint.

Who knows what it is that keeps Melania from sleeping next to Satan’s favorite chew toy—fine, we all know, but according to a new unauthorized biography, Free, Melania, written by CNN reporter Kate Bennett, due out later this week, Melania doesn’t sleep with Old Man Hatred.

From the New York Times:

While the president sleeps in the master bedroom on the second level of the White House residence — he requested a lock for his door — Mrs. Trump stays on the third floor, in the two-room space formerly occupied by Michelle Obama’s mother, Marian Robinson, Bennett reports.


The book does not report on whether the first lady christened the bed with Russian prostitute urine.

Other takeaways from the book that will surely be denounced in a presidential tweetstorm are that Melania and Ivanka aren’t close. Shocking! Melania also isn’t close with second lady Karen Pence. And the real pièce de résistance is that the first lady’s ham-fisted anti-bullying campaign uses incorrect grammar, because “Be Best” isn’t really a thing.

Mrs. Trump unveiled her child-focused kindness campaign, “Be Best,” over a year ago. Here is Bennett’s assessment of the first lady’s signature initiative: “To this day it has no publicly stated framework, timeline or markers for progress … The likelihood that it will ever have the impact of Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move campaign or Nancy Reagan’s Just Say No is slim to none.”