Are We Pretending Donald Trump Wasn’t Secretly Rushed to the Hospital?

Photo: Brendan Smialowski (Getty Images)

Pick one: Donald Trump was rushed to the hospital to visit a sick child because he is such a caring person... Or Donald Trump is the only president in history to break their physical examinations into two parts… Or Donald Trump and the White House staff is lying.

Only one of those makes sense.

Trump is famous for eschewing presidential protocol, for instance, winning the popular vote; hiring competent people; and not soliciting America’s sworn enemies to undermine American democracy. But previously, he had adhered to the tradition of announcing the presidential physical and placing it on his public schedule.

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But on Saturday, something strange happened.

Even though a letter from a quack physician reportedly called him the “healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency,” on Saturday, a presidential motorcade took Trump to Walter Reed National Military Hospital for an unannounced “screening,” according to NBC. Unlike his two previous exams, this “surprise” exam wasn’t on his public schedule and no one—even the staff at the hospital—seemed to know about it.

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Furthermore, the medical visit came only nine months after Trump’s last examination. Accompanied by the presidential physician and a weird yellow envelope attached to his curiously bulging coat, the colostomy bag of presidents insisted that he was visiting a sick child and undertaking an unprecedented two-part exam.

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CNN reports:

His two previous physical exams in office were announced ahead of time by the White House and noted on his daily public schedule, but a source with knowledge of the matter told CNN Saturday that the President’s unannounced trip to the medical center was not even on the President’s internal schedule as of Saturday morning.

The President’s motorcade drove to the medical center unannounced, with reporters under direction not to report his movement until they arrived Saturday at Walter Reed. Trump typically takes the Marine One helicopter to Walter Reed, but on Saturday’s clear-skied day, the President opted for the motorcade.

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Aside from intelligence briefings that usually include—and this is not a joke—colors and stories, Trump’s calendar was cleared all day Saturday, Sunday and Monday.

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While speculating on medical issues is an ill-advised practice, The Root has spoken with several medical professionals who offered a number of diagnoses, including:

  • Mitch McConnellitis: An infection caused by the Senate Majority Leader’s head being stuck up Trump’s ass.
  • Copping Tunnel Syndrome: A common condition caused by repeatedly grabbing women by the … let’s just call it “copping a feel.”
  • Lie-abetes: Most people don’t know that excessive bullshitting can damage the bullshituitary gland, which secretes the hormone that causes pathological lying.
  • Gonorrhea: I mean, he does like to have unprotected sex with porn stars.
  • Russian Influence-za: An STD caused by fellating a Russian dictator. There are only two known cures. An experimental drug called “Kremlinsulin” and a more traditional medical procedure called “impeaching the motherfucker.”
  • A wypipodectomy: A non-invasive procedure that removes the “racist bone” Trump insists that he doesn’t have.
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While the impromptu medical visit reportedly took two hours, sources say that 45 minutes was spent in the hospital waiting room as the president read knock-knock jokes and staged a valiant but unsuccessful attempt at connecting the dots in the latest issue of Highlights magazine.

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About the author

Michael Harriot

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.