Texas Grandmother Shoots Masturbating, Bicycle-Riding Burglar

Illustration for article titled Texas Grandmother Shoots Masturbating, Bicycle-Riding Burglar
Screenshot: KTRK

One of the favorites for best BMX bike trick in the 2019 X Games suffered a severe setback to his chances at a gold medal when a 68-year-old woman shot him as he masturbated on a bicycle after trying to break into her house.

The woman, only identified as “Granny Jean” said that she was taking out the trash when she spotted the man pleasuring himself on a bicycle outside her Houston home on Tuesday.

“Some guy pulled off his pants and pulled his pants open, playing with his thing,” she explained, using the official granny-sanctioned nickname for the phallus.* “And he ran up and I told him to get away from my door, or I will shoot him.”


*Other acceptable granny-related euphemisms also include “wee-wee,” “junk,” “man parts” and the underused, but more colorful, “dingaling”.

While reports make no mention of Granny Jean’s apparent animal rights activism, after she yelled at the Willy-wielding weirdo to stop choking his chicken, the man followed her to the door which—according to KTRK in Houston—has a sign out front that explicitly states: “Save the Drama for your mamma.”

But the master debater had no plans on saving his drama or his dignity and continued his handlebar hanky-panky. When Granny got inside her home, the man tried to enter as he feverishly yanked his doodle dandy.

“And he kept coming and reached for my door after it was locked, so I shot through the door,” Granny added, explaining why she pulled out her thing-thing (which, according to Southern street vernacular, is totally different from a “thing”).


The unnamed 38-year-old man who was shot while attempting to “shoot his shot” suffered a single gunshot wound to the chest, proving that publicly trying to strangle the one-eyed snake can sometimes lead to dire consequences. The alleged meat-beating burglar managed to make it to his bicycle and pedal away before collapsing from his injury.

Paramedics rushed to a local hospital and performed surgery. Houston Police Department Lt. Larry Crowson told the Chronicle that the suspect was recently arrested for indecent exposure after officers found him walking in the nude down a busy street.


“I don’t bother nobody, I don’t get in nobody’s business,” Jean explained. “It’s just me and him, and like I keep saying, I warned him.”

So far, Granny Jean has not been charged and officers say that they are working with the Harris County prosecutor’s office to determine if they will file charges on Granny for shooting the penile-pumping pedaler. Luckily, the man had not exposed himself to the woman’s 14-year-old granddaughter, who was also inside the home.


The suspect is in critical but stable position and is expected to resume performing willy wheelies soon under the pseudonym Jack Hoff.

World-renowned wypipologist. Getter and doer of "it." Never reneged, never will. Last real negus alive.

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