Tomi Lahren, Satan’s blonde-haired colostomy bag, went full snowflake on Fox News Saturday night, explaining that people think she’s a trash human being because of Maxine Waters, and not because she’s actually a trash bag full of right-wing vomit.
On Saturday’s episode of Justice with Judge Jeanine, Lahren and Jeanine Pirro put on a miraculous display of anus-to-mouth lies when they managed to somehow spray bullshit from their surgically enhanced lips while talking out of their asses.
Pirro began the segment by saying she has never seen anyone on the right attack anyone on the left. Apparently, Pirro was in a medically-induced coma from swallowing Fox News’ bile-infested lies, so she never witnessed violence from the right like:
- Heather Heyer’s death at a rally in Charlottesville, Va. that was literally called “Unite the Right.”
- Donald Trump offering to pay the legal bills for anyone who punched protesters.
- Trump supporter and (insert clever name for the act of swallowing gorilla diarrhea mixed with rattlesnake semen here) Aaron Schlossberg’s racist rant.*
- Roseanne Barr’s public Twitter trolling of Valerie Jarrett
- Jeremy Christian murdering two people on a Portland, Ore. train
- The fact that Donald Trump Lives and breathes.
*Note to self: Check to see if rattlesnakes have semen.
“Judge, I gotta tell you, since Maxine Waters came out and told her supporters to, I guess, continue the attacks on the right. It’s gotten worse,” Lahren responded, airheadedly. “I’ve seen it in my personal life get worse in the last couple of weeks.”
“No, she didn’t apologize, and she’s actually making it very dangerous, especially very young women like myself,” Lahren added through the lie-maker she calls a mouth. “I find it funny because many of the people who have been attacked, harassed, assaulted have been conservative women. So where’s the left on this? Where are the feminists who are about female empowerment? TimesUp, MeToo—where are their voices? Because I don’t see them coming out to defend conservative women, as they should, when we are literally being attacked for our beliefs. Where are the feminists?”
Despite the fact that Lahren has served as conservative Barbie for years, apparently, it’s all Maxine Waters’ fault, which is one of the whitest things I’ve heard in my entire last few seconds.
But you know white women, they never accept their own responsibility. I partly understand what Lahren and the intellectually-challenged, less interesting facsimile of Judge Judy were trying to say. We actually need to do something about this recent surge in white-on-white violence.
Maybe Maxine Waters can atone for her terrorist actions by convening an alt-right recording of “We Are The World” to benefit whimpering white snowflakes like Sarah Sanders, Kirstjen Neilsen and others who can’t get their kale panini sandwiches because someone might publicly call them the shitbags that they are. I have already written Taylor Swift’s verse for “We are the White Girls:”
There comes a time, when you heed a certain call
When 53 percent of us must come together as one
There are snowlakes crying, and it’s time to lend a hand
To white women, the most fragile of them alllll...
We are the white girls
We are white women
We are the ones who cry white tears and make the world so shitty
There’s a choice we’re making
we’re saving our own lives
We don’t care about anything... it’s all about meeeee
The most powerful man on the goddamn planet is yelling vile, racist things from his bully pulpit at Maxine Waters and these two bleached anuses are on Fox News crying because they might get the side eye from a stranger. These whimpering shitnuggets deserve everything they get.
Which is—I can only pray—is rattlesnake gonorrhea.
Download your copy of “We Are White Girls” from wherever you got Drake’s mediocre Scorpion bullshit. One hundred percent of all proceeds benefit white supremacy. (Except for the small amount we pay for toilet paper and rattlesnake condoms.)