100 Days of Minute Maid Mao as President Feels Like 1,000 and I’s Tired

Alex Wong/Getty Images
Alex Wong/Getty Images

Since Jan. 20, 2017, stupidity, absurdity and white mediocrity have been having the time of their lives as the 45th president of the United States of America has behaved like the brain-damaged oompa loompa many of us who suffered through the 2016 presidential election found him to be then.

Knowing that 45 would be a disaster as president has not made his time in office any less insufferable, though. No, No, No, Part 1 and 2, beloveds. Nearly every single day of his first 100 days in office has felt like the longest day ever because where Minute Maid Mao fails in running government, he excels in annoying the everlasting hell out of us.

So, while it makes perfect sense for various outlets to opine about this pivotal point in his young presidency on the basis of his many legislative failures, it’s just as imperative to drill in the following tidbit: The motherfucker is annoying. No. 45’s being exhausting is literally the single constant of his term thus far; he may slip and slide in terms of policy beliefs, but the man is dedicated to aggravating the hell out of people who can remember what it’s like to have a president with intellectual curiosity and who doesn’t behave like thirsty thots on Instagram who keep reposting the same ass shot until they score at least 100 likes.


During a recent appearance on MSNBC’s All In With Chris Hayes, Philip Rucker, who serves as White House bureau chief for the Washington Post, indirectly helped drive this point home. In what was yet another bewildering interview from 45, Rucker noted that at one point during their discussion, 45 asked Rucker to run the election map on the Washington Post’s front page. In March I wrote about 45’s refusal to stop campaigning and reliving the 2016 presidential campaign. His refusal to let go of the election is draining, too.

If I were Hillary Clinton, I’d say, “Tell your bitch-ass president to keep my name out of his mouth before I teabag him like Vladimir only with my kitty heel.”

Why can’t he just go do his damn job? Granted, I’m not rooting for a wannabe authoritarian and bigot to be successful in legislating multiple streams of prejudice and maleficence, but if you ran for president and were successful in such endeavors, wouldn’t your focus be on doing the job you pretended to want?

In a separate interview with Reuters, this Sunkist-can-colored dingbat went on to lend further credence to the theory that he never truly wanted to be president. “I loved my previous life,” 45 said. “I had so many things going. This is more work than in my previous life. I thought it would be easier.”


Of course, he’s already contradicted that statement, telling John Dickerson on CBS’ Face the Nation: “Well, it’s a tough job. But I’ve had a lot of tough jobs. I’ve had things that were tougher, although I’ll let you know that better at the end of eight years. Perhaps eight years. Hopefully, eight years. But I’ll let you know later on. I think we’ve done very well with foreign policy. I think we’ve done very, very well with relationships with other leaders.”

How hard is it to scam people, file for bankruptcy a few times, lie about everything, and shoot scenes with NeNe Leakes and Gary Busey? Can you imagine eight years of this? The thought of dealing with this man for 100 more days, let alone nearly a decade, is terrifying.


I am tired of Minute Maid Mao and his reckless and often global-instability-spurring tweets.

I am sick of Habanero Hitler and his merry band of white supremacists, habitual liars and borderline sociopaths who work with him.


I’m exhausted by the constant foot rubs mainstream outlets give Sunkist Stalin’s equally asinine supporters. Likewise, I’m over political pundits giving 45 ample praise for managing to read from a teleprompter for a few minutes without drooling or reminding us of any dictator from the last century.

I am just as exhausted by the Marigold Manchurian Candidate’s family members, but specifically Ivanka Trump, who is basically trying to be Hillary Clinton when she was first lady—OK, Hillary Clinton if Hillary Clinton knew absolutely nothing about government but decided, “What the hell? If Daddy can be prez, so can I!” The same goes for Ivanka’s husband, who has 19,021-and-a-half jobs in that administration and isn’t qualified for an ounce of any one of them.


I miss a simpler time in which 45 was just a man who hosted a reality show; said stupid, often racist things; and routinely got clowned by David Letterman on late-night TV. Mostly, I hate that I cannot ignore him because that man is president.

I hate it all. I want it to end. Why won’t it end, Black Jesus?

Who knows if there’s any real chance of 45 being impeached or resigning, but if there is, can it please hurry the hell up so I can join Maxine Waters in doing a two-step on the grave of his political career already?


Typically, the sitting president is supposed to age, but since 45 is a lazy thot who takes most weekends off, he’ll be fine. It’s going to be we who have to over-moisturize to compensate for the stress this man imparts on us. After all, Twitter won’t delete his account. Much of the media continues to embolden him by normalizing his nonsense and refusing to call him out on his blatant demagoguery and obvious incompetence. Yes, there is the resistance, and everyone must keep fighting, but the fact remains that the orange peel is worrisome, bothersome, troublesome and tiresome.

I don’t deserve this punishment; his voters do.

Michael Arceneaux is the author of "I Can't Date Jesus," which will be released July 24, 2018 by Atria Books/Simon & Schuster, but go ahead and pre-order it now.

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I’m going to leave this here if anyone needs it.