Win McNamee/Getty Images

While I knew y’all’s president was one vacationing-ass bitch, I had no idea how much of a lazy thot he truly was.

Among the ever-increasing number of frightening things the Washington Post is reporting this week about President Saddle Tan Nixon, I can’t shake his apparent attitude about exercise. In the book Trump Revealed, it was noted that 45 majorly quit athletics after college because he “believed the human body was like a battery, with a finite amount of energy, which exercise only depleted.”

Advertisement

Is this why he spooks up around stairs as if they peed on him and taped it for Vladimir Putin? Whatever the case, per usual, he is dead wrong. As the Post explained: “Exercise does deplete stores of glucose, glycogen and fats from the body’s tissues, but these fuels are restored when a person eats, said Michael Jonesco, a sports medicine and orthopedics specialist at Ohio State University’s Wexner Medical Center.”

Advertisement

Lord knows what the man eats, so why ever wouldn’t he be dumb enough to think that exercise actually depletes energy rather than replenishes it? For other people, exercise—including all those celebrities he used to love boasting about knowing—gives them energy, but somehow he thought he was a special, puffy snowflake who usurped nature. As confirmed in news reports like Politico’s “How Trump Gets His Fake News,” y’all’s president is dumber than a packet of bootleg batteries one picks up from a gas station that also sells Chinese food.

That said, perhaps there are a few reasons that big blob of hate and idiocy would think exercise was some broke-bitch shit. After all, he’s the oldest person to be sworn in as president, and he eats nothing but fast food and steak broiled and then fried in black tar, and barely seems to move, apart from grabbing pussies and swinging golf clubs. Oh, wait, he also gets two scoops of ice cream while everyone else at his dinner table gets one (with his greedy, immobile ass).

Advertisement

Someone must have told him that reaching old age is by virtue of dumb luck, being a very rich white man, not picking up vices like alcohol and being evil. You know, evil dies slow. Just ask a few select kinfolk whose names I’ll withhold to prevent a fight at Thanksgiving, “Project Pat” Buchanan and white supremacists.

But sadly, like so many other matters of significance, 45’s ignorance has become everyone else’s problem. If you feel that pushups, situps and running laps are making you “low energy,” you may just as likely think that eating healthy food doesn’t make any difference. But pettiness and a penchant for vengeance alone may have motivated his administration’s decision to reverse many of the advancements for healthier school-lunch options as championed by former first lady Michelle Obama.

In response to the administration’s announcement that it would be weakening some of the school nutrition standards she championed, Obama told the crowd at the Partnership for a Healthier America conference, “Think about why someone is OK with your kids eating crap.”

Advertisement

She added: “We gotta make sure we don’t let anybody take us back. Every elected official on this planet should understand: Don’t play with our children. Don’t do it.”

Too late for that. It’s a shame it never dawned on 45 that we can’t all venture through life with orange skin, urine-yellow hair and a body molded by lethargy and do it with the same kind of success. Ugh. I miss our old president. The one who liked to read, eat well, know what he’s doing and exercise.