My friend is married to a complete loser. I don't like her husband, and all she does is complain. I can't watch her ruin her life. Last month she called me crying, and I told her it's her choice -- she can either deal with him or move on; just don't complain. Today she told me she is upset with me because I told her it's her fault she is unhappy for trying to save her marriage. That is not what I said. What should I do? --O.T.

It's hard to sit idly by and watch people you care about suffer in their relationships, especially when you want so much better for them. Your friend is frustrated by her spouse, and you are equally frustrated because she doesn't seem to want better and also because she's complaining about her situation, likely over and over and over. When people are unhappy with their relationships, it seems to be all they think about.

You didn't say anything wrong per se, and your comments were pretty mild, especially if you don't like her husband. But if your goal is to be helpful, recognize that sometimes people just want to vent about what's going on and want someone to listen.

They're just not ready to do the hard work or make a hard decision that will improve their lives, and trying to push them to a bottom line before they're ready for change can result in their attacking you, just as your friend did. It's not because you said something wrong or inaccurate but because she needs to blame someone for her unhappiness, and you're an easier target than her spouse.

When friends, especially the married ones, come to me with relationship drama, I keep in mind what I once heard from a minister a decade ago at a very ritzy wedding in Georgetown. After having the couple repeat the standard vows, the minister stepped forward to address the 200 friends and family who had shown up to bear witness to the union. We, too, were asked to take a set of vows.

The minister said something like, "This marriage isn't the ending to a fairy tale; it's the beginning of a long road walked together that will have its up and downs." He added a heads-up that we would likely someday get a call from the bride that went, "Girl, you won't believe what this so-and-so did!" We'd also hear the groom complain, "Man, this woman gets on my last nerve!"