Out-of-Touch Romney: Move Back to Detroit
In an imaginary war room, Mitt Romney's aides strategize about ways to fix his image problem.
Jim: It's not exactly fly-over country, like Kansas. It's a big city, with some beautiful neighborhoods. Mrs. Romney will be fine. There's a Whole Foods and Neiman Marcus in the suburbs. And there's a terrific golf course right in Detroit.
Junior strategist: In fact, there's so much land -- about 140 square miles, enough to put Manhattan, Boston and San Francisco inside, with room to spare -- we can build one of America's largest golf courses! Michigan's weather sucks in winter. But who cares? There's plenty of cheap labor. We could knock it out quickly.
Ears perk up.
Jim continues: Moving to Detroit serves multiple purposes. It's Michigan's largest media market, so we'd get tons of positive press. Mr. Romney could sort of atone for his auto-bailout views. Maybe offer some fresh ideas on how to reboot U.S. manufacturing -- and cities. It'd be a terrific tribute to his hometown -- potentially one of the boldest experiments in American political history.
Junior strategist: Oh, and think of the optics: Detroit's the most populous majority-black city. Living there, just for a week, would puncture the popular perception that our campaign's monochromatic, as Austan Goolsbee had the nerve to observe in a Tweet Tuesday night. I mean, we've got you, Jim.
We can offer big ideas about education reform, have a party and invite some Detroit schoolkids to sing "Who Let the Dogs Out 2.0." Maybe have Herman Cain over to do a couple of songs, even tap-dance. Then we take some of the Caddies back to Boston. Everything will be normal. We'd win!
Senior strategist: We do need Michigan in November. It'd be a teachable moment for all of us. Signal to other CEOs that Detroit is back in business. Why don't you go there, Jim? Find us a place. Let's rebuild a great American city!
Jim: You bet.
Junior strategist: So, what do we call this?
Senior strategist: Project Detroit.
Junior strategist: Cool. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo.
Senior strategist: Yo?
Jim: Oh, brother.