Michael’s Milk of Amnesia

What was Michael Jackson trying to forget when he overdosed on propofol?

By: Angie Chuang | Posted: September 3, 2009 at 7:46 AM

Michael Jackson's Overdose on Propofol: What Was He Trying to Forget?

What was Michael Jackson trying to forget when he overdosed on propofol?

annie.chuang

What was Michael Jackson trying to forget when he overdosed on propofol?

09/03/2009 07:46

The King of Pop is gone—that spectacular, superhuman figure from the 1993 Super Bowl performance, arms outstretched, white shirt fluttering like a flag, black hair against a pale face. Or that chocolate-skinned, full-nosed Michael, all sex and androgyny at the same time in that white suit on the cover of Thriller, the first album I ever owned.

He died of “acute propofol intoxication,” according to the Los Angeles County coroner. And to think that he, of all people, after a strange, tragic half-century of a life died from an anesthetic given to colonoscopy patients rings of a particular pathos. Other musicians overdosed on smack or coke. Jackson was killed by milk of amnesia.

He reportedly took propofol to sleep.

Bullshit, I say. Jackson wouldn’t have played with his life—no matter how painful it was—all for a better night’s sleep.

I was given propofol three years ago during a colonoscopy, the way a person is supposed to have it—in a doctor’s office, hooked up to a heart monitor, as a sedative for a medical procedure. “It’s very clean,” a nurse assured me. At the time, I thought her word choice was odd.

But propofol was the least of my concerns. I was 33 years old at the time, undergoing this unusual procedure for someone my age because, a couple months earlier, I had an ovarian tumor surgically removed that appeared to be intestinal in origin. I was preoccupied by the sudden precariousness of my mortality and fertility, and the shock of being a young, healthy person who was suddenly seriously ill.

Because of that—and something doctors euphemistically call “colonoscopy prep,” of which I’ll spare you the details—I was a wreck when I arrived to the doctor’s office.

However, taking propofol was one of the most truly pleasant pharmaceutical experiences. Propofol didn’t just make me sleepy; it made me feel as if my soul had been detached from my body and was resting just above it, on a cloud of marshmallow fluff, sweet and achingly tender. It made the time I was under its influence pass in a flicker like the inside of a tunnel viewed from a bullet train, just a glimpse of darkness and lights stretched into long streaks. Then daylight.

I remember seeing the gastroenterologist through my milk-of-amnesia haze, and feeling something for him that was akin to love. Not desire, just an expansive, all-encompassing euphoria that had no rhyme or reason. Everyone looked beautiful—I could see past their external appearances and feel their radiance within. The doctor pointed to an image of the inside of my colon on a screen. That was even beautiful, too.

When I came to, I felt redefined, the boundaries between me and the world around me crisper—clean, just as the nurse had promised. The worries and fears I brought to the doctor’s office eventually seeped back, but for a few hours they seemed as vague and insignificant as my tenuous memory of events and conversations in the doctor’s office. Had they really happened or had I imagined them?

I felt refreshed, not the least bit groggy, but it was more than that—it was a catharsis. That feeling, I’m convinced, is what Jackson wanted. Not the sleep, but the escape. The sweetness of being outside of a body that had borne the belt lashings of his abusive father, the excruciating scars of the burns he suffered in the 1984 Pepsi commercial accident and the shame he associated with the vitiligo that became both the metaphor and the rationale for his racial ambiguity—black skin turning white, battling against ugliness.

What did Jackson want to relegate to the realm of the imagined? It might be easy, viewing the countless time-lapse photo montages of his changing face, to say his blackness. Or, honing in on the devastating low points of his life and career, to say the accusations of child molestation—and maybe whatever it was that happened at Neverland.

But in death, perhaps too late, we have redefined Michael Jackson with a blend of adulation and pity that counters the mockery and revulsion we levied on him in life. And somewhere in between those opposing impulses the real answers lie.

Did he envision the milky-white propofol as his Lethe, the mythological river of forgetfulness from which souls drank to wipe away memories of the past life before reincarnating?

If so, then maybe another, happier piece of recent news related to Jackson offers some insight. On what would have been Jackson’s 51st birthday, in front of the Monument of the Revolution, 12,000 dancers broke a world record for the largest number of people dancing to “Thriller” in a single gathering British and Spanish fans, as well as Filipino prisoners, have also recreated the dance. To say the least, these videos are remarkable.

That these iconic dance moves, the song and accompanying video narrative about—that’s right—life after death have reincarnated Jackson in the bodies and faces of the multiracial, international throngs of dancing Latin Americans, Europeans, Pacific Islanders may have been just the kind of reincarnation Jackson longed for when he turned to pharmaceutical elixirs.

He’s gone, tragically, but now he is redefined beyond color, beyond abuse, beyond pain.

He is, in a word, clean.

Angie Chuang is an assistant professor of journalism at American University School of Communication.

Chasing Michael Jackson

Michael Jackson Memories

Michael Jackson's Birthday Bash!

To the Michael in All of Us

The Untouchable Michael Jackson

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Posted: Monday, November 02, 2009

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Posted: Thursday, September 24, 2009

Angie's comments on point!

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As an African American I could understand some of the "whys" about Michael from a visceral place of course at a great distance (I never spoke with the man). He is like the person in your extended family who in the 1950s decided that "passing" was better than dealing with all the Jim Crow garbage. Angie's essay is a poignant reminder of how fragile Michael's connections to his community must have been given the abuse he endured (we know about his dad, but who knows who else...), the life he lived in a bubble, and the many deeds that were hyper-analyzed and looked at through powerful media microscopes.

Most of us wouldn't do well in his shoes and most of us will never understand all of the "hows" and "whys" of his life. We can, however thank Angie for such a thoughtful essay & thank him for all of the smiles he put on our faces over the years! Also, we can pray that he finds peace wherever his soul is (I think Angie did a marvelous job expressing this sentiment).

Posted: Thursday, September 10, 2009

Angie's comments on point!

GoBlueBruin

You know, no matter how many changes Michael went through, how many accusations flew in his direction, nor how often he was belittled and chided by every manner of media personality, he was "family." All of his faults are ours to some degree, all of us have gone through bouts of self-hate and faulty connections to our own cultures. As an African American I could understand some of the "whys" about Michael from a visceral place of course at a great distance (I never spoke with the man). He is like the person in your extended family who in the 1950s decided that "passing" was better than dealing with all the Jim Crow garbage. Angie's essay is a poignant reminder of how fragile Michael's connections to his community must have been given the abuse he endured (we know about his dad, but who knows who else...), the life he lived in a bubble, and the many deeds that were hyper-analyzed and looked at through powerful media microscopes. Most of us wouldn't do well in his shoes and most of us will never understand all of the "hows" and "whys" of his life. We can, however thank Angie for such a thoughtful essay & thank him for all of the smiles he put on our faces over the years! Also, we can pray that he finds peace wherever his soul is (I think Angie did a marvelous job expressing this sentiment).

Posted: Thursday, September 10, 2009

Oh, let's stop the Poor Michael routine

Callie

I know several people, black and white, who have vitaligo. They all lead normal well adjusted lives, none even try to cover up or blend in their skin condition. They deal with it and go on.
Michael had a less than ideal childhood, but then he turns around and has possibly done far worse to other children. Instead of empathizzing with abused children he created more and paid off their parents who were too dazzled with his fame to fight for their children.
He is a famous pop singer. JUST A POP SINGER. He didn't cure anything, or do anything other than sing some songs that a few years ago he could barely sell. And he spent only a teeny tiny fraction of his wealth for charitable purposes, he was more interested in living in an extreme level of luxury that even royalty doesn't see.

So the drugs made him feel good. How is that an excuse for anything? The rest of us has difficult lives too and don't have access to prescription drugs. Yes, many of us do have drug problems, but you wouldn't start justifying it b/c our lives are not ideal. And most of us would not have the immense wealth Wacko Jacko had at his disposal, wealth cushions trajedy and pain.

I have seen, in my previous line of work, children dying from horrible disease. I had several clients who lost their hearts and other organs to chemo.. After battling cancer they then had to survive transplant surgery, and often organ rejection. Some of these adults and children had no support system. Ignorant and selfish parents, or no family at all. At least half had insufficient health insurance and were facing economic collapse.
ANd not one of them could even start to be the whiner that MJ was. Now that he's dead let's stop whining on his behalf and worry about people who really need our love and attention.

Posted: Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Michael’s Milk of Amnesia

What was Michael Jackson trying to forget when he overdosed on propofol?

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Michael’s Milk of Amnesia

What was Michael Jackson trying to forget when he overdosed on propofol?

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Slate

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