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I sympathize with black women because it’s true that 71 percent of black grad students are female and that they outnumber black men in the general population 7 to 1. But maybe you’ve heard the one about successful black women being unable to find suitable black mates is not about ineligible men. And if you are doing this by the numbers, ladies, then your outlook is bleak. But it’s not about the numbers—“successful” black men made the same lame claim back in the day. It’s about choices and how we measure success. Black women seem to resent black men because, with all the educated black women, we seem to have choices in mates that they don’t. I promise you, quantity and quality are different. Please trust that it takes more than an education and a successful career to be wife material. And women think if they wait long enough, they will find their own Denzel Washington. The problem is, there isn’t enough Denzel to go around. As I mention in my upcoming book The Denzel Principle, if black women want to marry a black man, it seems as if they have only a few choices:
Sugar Daddy
LOOKS LIKE: Your Dad
SOUNDS LIKE: Barry White
YOU KNOW IT’S HIM: When he collapses dead on top of you
Daddy-O is frequently the old guy in the club wearing a Chess King suit and Stacy Adams on his feet. He’s married and has worked at the same factory for 20 years. His wifey’s breasts are getting long and veiny, but he’s got the money to pay for the attentions of young ladies. So he sneaks out after second shift, goes line-dancing at the club and builds himself a stable of tenderonis who eventually break him for rent, clothes, cars and food, and he breaks them off four whole minutes of lovin’—if he can get it up. Wifey finds a hotel receipt, they fight, make up and it starts all over again.
Pierre Delacroix
LOOKS LIKE: Kanye West
SOUNDS LIKE: He needs some bass in his voice
YOU KNOW IT’S HIM: He carries a croquet mallet everywhere he goes
Pierre thinks he is better than everyone, including you. He has a nice ride, an Ivy League education and the personality of an English muffin: White and flat, with lots of nooks and crannies to hold the remnants of his blackness, that inherent connection most of us have with people of color from all walks of life. He’s got an English accent even though he’s only even been to London, Ontario. Pierre is a trifle dandy and intentionally doesn’t exude any masculine qualities people might find offensive, leading people to call him “Dela-question-mark.” Secretly, he wishes he knew who he was.
Comments
I see many black women claim to hate 'African American' men, and they do try to date around to "other" kinds of African descendants, but I mostly see this as a statement they're trying to make, going for exoticism of these other guys, as your own people are not good enough. I GET this a lot, and I hate being used like some showpiece or to make African American men mad. I feel black women are seriously playing themselves. Really, the only black men who exist, in their minds, are these loser guys, and the simple fact remains that they don't know how to qualify what is a good man, period! They also don't change up their own acts until they're with some other race/ethnicity, and hide their ghetto, nasty old habits, many times. Kind of like the women on reality TV pretending to be so uppity, smart, etc and then the next minute showing butt cheeks and busting another woman over the head with bottles. It's all an act that needs to stop, with black women. Get real and be real to yourselves, stop trying so damn hard to make a statement at the expense of your own people, because you're failing miserably.
And another note, I don't have an advanced degree but have a college degree, certifications in my craft and I earn a very high salary. In fact, most of the greatest minds, in my field, do not have to have degrees, and they're all millionaires. Degrees don't mean you earn more, and certainly don't mean you're more of an intellectual than another. So this advanced degree nonsense, as a litmus test, is complete bogus too. It's just more nonsense used as a way to say you're better than someone else, to gas your own heads, nowadays, and that's not right. Anyone with any sense, sees this woman so full of herself, and he'll avoid her. The truth is that these black women, on a mission to prove something by showing up black dudes, are just avoided by good men who want to avoid all that drama and anger she has.
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"She has five undergraduate degrees, a Ph.D. and three cars, but can’t butter toast. She was so focused on being a successful black woman that learning the finer points of the womanly art of wifery slipped from her agenda. She can do outpatient surgery, but doesn’t know what a dustpan is for."
Jimi, it is apparent, as many on this board have pointed out, that you have issues with women--TO SAY THE LEAST. I hope you are not passing your narrowmindedness onto your daughter. Here we go again, it does not matter if a woman is a Rocket Scientist if she cannot "butter toast." What a simpleton!!!!! I shouldn't even spend time responding such a low-level attack, but it needs to be said: women are more than what they produce in the kitchen. If you maintain your sexist and misogynistic line of thinking, prepare for many years of singledom ahead.
It would behoove you to study ancient cultures around the world--even modern cultures--in many African societies, egalitarian relationships are the foundation for how households and cities function. Women and men don't bicker over who does the cooking, cleaning, child-rearing, etc.
The Western world, especially America, HAS A LOT TO LEARN! FOR A COUNTRY THAT IS SO FIRST WORLD, THE MEN ARE STILL QUITE BACKWARD!!!! YOUR SISTERS AND BROTHERS IN THE SO-CALLED 'THIRD WORLD' HAVE MORE SENSE THAN YOU.
"Can wifey skills be on your resume as well?"
Jimi, what woman do you think you are going to attract with that negative energy? Not this one. Do you know the proper way around a vagina/vulva/clitoris? Somehow, I doubt it, since it is all ABOUT YOU. Please, grow the hell up and get some sense. You are turning into those typical what-are-you-going-to-do-for-me brothas who expect women to do it all, and ain't offering nothing in return.
You penned this column (and a book), so obviously your hands work--hence your ability to do these things on your own, correct? Or maybe that would make you less of a MAN. You are living in the Dark Ages. Nothing is more attractive than a man who does his share around the house--and in the bedroom. Why would I want to clean up after a grown a@@ man? How is that sexy? I'm gonna come home from work and scrape up a meal every night and you are just sitting there waiting for the food to arrive in front of you on the table? Damn that idiotic storytelling bible and the backward society we live in. Somehow, I don't get the impression that you contribute much in either the kitchen or bedroom very well. It ain't all about you, my brother. You are sadly misinformed about what Black women are, and should be. We are not put on this planet to be your maids and cooks--or do 'wifey' things, an idiotic word, BTW--we are put on this Earth to live and enjoy life like everyone else. Why are so many men so caught up in asserting their so-called "God-given rights" or power over women? It is a sickness, really, some parts of the male ego. Sad, really sad. Humanity has messed up you men something bad, to the point where your heads are so big and so far up your rears that you think the world revolves around you and your man-parts. I cannot categorize all men as narcissistic, but you are one of them.
Life is too short for all of your bitterness. I love my single and happy existence. Yes, I have had relationships and maybe one day I'll agree to share my life with a very fortunate man. At this rate, he'll be White, for many reasons. On a positive note, many of the younger guys at my school are not as bitter as you are and still treasure smart and educated AA sisters--however, I would prefer an older man. It is amazing; I am 31 and these young brothers are all over me! It is cute, really, and I am keeping all options open, but when it comes to someone my own age, these brothers in their 30s,40s, are looking for the stereotypical video-vixen type. Hey, if they can find 'em, they can have 'em! I am on a spiritual level that many Black men are not about anyway, but for the ones that are, I'll give em a chance, even the bus drivers. My only gripe about brothers is getting too personal too early. Shut your trap and think before you speak! I like y'all, but you go places you shouldn't go with a total stranger. My momma raised me with some class and some of these brothers make me want to slap them.
Ladies, keep your passports current and explore the world...Trust me, once you land in any other country, men of all colors will be all over your beautiful brown selves! Especially in Europe. Don't limit yourselves to AA men who don't have their stuff together--though there are some that do. Don't fight for scraps!
I'm heading to Denmark in the New Year, and will take a mini-tour of Europe. Watch out, world! :-)
The comments about women in dresses, men in suits vs. urban clothes, and marring men from other countries vs. blue collar men do not only miss the point and are shallow, but are also quite sad. Face it, if you base a person's value or suitability for marriage SOLELY on their clothes, job, looks, region of origin, instead of their character, moral fiber and ability to persevere and accomplish a life of quality and substance that is defined spiritually and physically by the love and respect of family, then people are destined to be unhappy and unfufilled because no one will ever be good enough or "eligible," for anyone. It seems that people spend a lot of time and energy looking for what's wrong with someone else instead of looking at what's wrong with themselves. People should learn the difference between creating a fantasy figure of the "eligible," companion, man or woman instead of looking realistically and honestly at human beings, their character, morals and value system. So sad. So very sad.
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Upon reading the title to this article, I waited with abated breath to find a truly unique perspective on the plight of the single black woman in America. But yet again, I was greeted with an article that was, if nothing else, filled with status quo and less than flattering commentary on a (small) subset of the African-American population. All too often, when speaking on this subject, we focus on stereotypes, assumptions, and superficialities. Let’s dare to reach a little deeper. As a black woman who is under thirty, has a master’s degree, and who is not only career oriented, but also community oriented (I founded a nonprofit), I decided very early on that not only was I deserving of a husband, but that I would actually be blessed with a husband and family. And not just a husband for the sake of having a man, but I would be provided with a man with exceptional character and integrity and would most certainly be equally yoked – spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. Well I got him, and so much more. And yes, he is black – not that I have a preference. He is a good man….just like my father. And because I had a good role model while growing up, I knew not only is it possible to have a good husband, but that it is more common than we acknowledge.
Now then, why does it seem that so many black women have troubles finding a good man? Well, let’s review the history. Not a review of the history of Africans in America, but the history of social commentary on single, black women. From since-I-don’t-know-when, black women have been TOLD that we won’t be blessed with a good man. AND that we bring it upon ourselves. We either are too ambitious, too picky, too stuck-up, too smart, too dumb, too closed-minded, too shallow, too deep, too lazy, too classy, too sassy, too “black”, or just too plain unlucky. Plus, because we have varied interests(or not so varied interests since most times we focus on degrees, careers, and material things in our discussions), we automatically reduce the pool of eligible, worthy (black) men from which our golden hands can choose. Too many one-sided POV articles written by black men and women and, dare I point out, non-black men and women have graced the most popular magazines, newspapers, and journals. And let’s not forget the news reports and special reports designed specifically to inform EVERYONE of the dire state of singledom for black women. Now, I would be naïve and a little irresponsible if didn’t acknowledge that there is truth to the “data”, but the “data” doesn’t show the whole story. It is easy to get caught up in the rhetoric. It’s the contrast to the classic saying, if you believe it, you will achieve it. Instead, if you DON’T believe it, you WON’T achieve it.
So, what does the whole story look like? Well, I’ll leave that up to the journalist and anthropologist to uncover. But from within my small portion of the world, the biggest problem for my (fabulous, beautiful, well-healed) friends is not meeting MEN, period. Or they are meeting men that don’t give THEM a chance because of their own hang-ups. My friends don’t have the opportunity to be picky or stuck-up or even settle, for that matter. And when they do meet men, even if they are “well qualified”, it’s just not meant to be. We are not supposed to marry every man we meet. All we need is ONE man, and that man is a gift from above. It’s okay to date, it’s okay to have long-term relationships that fizzle, it’s okay to savor the frustrations and thrills of learning new people , and it’s okay to not ever get married. (My father told me that tidbit of information and I almost suffered a nervous breakdown). Ultimately, in this game of love, the bottom line is that SEEMINGLY perpetual singledom for black women is just that – a surface level, crippling farce. Black women HAVE to stay positive, resilient, and joyful when it comes to (finding) love. And more articles need to be written that are positive, resilient, and joyful when it comes to love.
I agree. Get real by taking your well educated, well groomed and heeled ambitious behind to other countries. I have 7 nieces and not one of them are married to American Black Men. They are married to Black men from England,France,Panama, Dominican Republic, Trinidade and Guyana. There was no need for them to lower there expectations and settle for a life they did not want because this was all that they were going to get from American Black Males. These men met my nieces and within a year to 18 months of meeting they were planning a wedding or wed. And these are not people who want to immigrate to the U.S.-they don't have to they are well educated and middle class. Yes Black Women wake up and get up and get on a plan and go to England-there are many man like Idris Elba that are looking for you. They value Black Women because they know that they are educated and ambitious and will work along side with them and family values are well regarded and anticipated. Marriage and children are a part of life that is prized.So, no you don't have to settle for people that want you to share them with every other one of their babies Mama and live within without the benefit of marriage or have babies out of wedlock. Get your tickets aND GET ON THAT PLANE AND GO MEET SOME "REAL BROTHERS".
My love and i looked over this blog while away the few couple of days and he was struck by the idea that African women were so needy. but he believes that the truth has yet to be shared from many..
He shared something with me that i know was profound and he said it with sincerity..basicially, i will paraphrase here and share my loves words..Bear with me.as a make this a conversation.
My loves words> Wow, why do u think our sisters have such a problem finding black men, is it the IPC, the enormous pool of other cultures, jungle fever, lack of education..LOL or that they believe a brother without a degree cannot take care of them or buy a house, father children or be responsible?
Me> Perhaps all of the above and a bit more? Maybe some of our sisters were raised like me conservative Afrocentic and low key. We were taught to wait for the man to make the first move
My love> What like sex, marriage imtimacy, romance?
Me> Yea, its kind of like often times a lot of brothers fail to talk to sisters, about intimacy, they find it hard to tell a sister what they want, what they need and how they like things done? So what they do is believe the stories their buddys tell them about what outlandish freaks other women are?
My love> You know that may be true in some instances, and most often if that is the case..a black man will never be satisfied because there are far too many freaks out there for him to feel happy in the long run..All he ends up doing is spinning around and around..losing track, hurting others and failing..What a real African man would be wise to learn are his own "WOMEN" her likes, needs and how to satisfy them, before he begins to introduce any intimacy or seek other cultures..
..u know kind of like what we did. U never let me have my way until u knew how u felt..U were not making me a sex machine, it was obvious that u were going for the whole ..enchilada. LOL hug..
Me> ?? what do u mean. Who me? LMAO
My love> Ya u..LOL ..Woman, your conservative, sexy as hell, educ, but savvy as it relates to old fashioned ways.. savvy , about intimacy etc.. Sugar, perhaps some do believe that they should wait for us to make the first move..and should..At least to me..like u did..See sugar, i am unafraid to express my needs, i wanted u to know what turns me on..i know that you deserve that..
As for..white women.. i prefer my own..i am not happy with fake Black talking causcasion women who sound worse than BUCKWILD ON... I LOVE MONEY
Bottom line..u wanna know something else?
Me> What?
If a brother does what he supposed to do..a decent women will not have to worry about an educ..Lets can get ..real..any woman with a brain can past that if her needs are met.
Root..this was a real conversation between the man i wnt to marry..He opened a can of worms..Which i will continue to drop science on as long as i want to, or feel a need..
STOP SETTLING..WHITE MAN WHO ENSLAVED OUR CULTURE CANNOT SAVE IT..OR U.. BUT THAT CRACKER AT CRACKER BARREL WILL BEAT U UP, ONLY WHEN UR AFRICAN MAN IS NOT AROUND?
From a Single Brother in Washington DC:
This is a message to Black Women who are interested in meeting Good Black Men in the Metropolitan areas in the U.S. Don't assume, take a second look.
1. Don't assume that if a guy talks to you on the subway (train, train station, or bus stop) that he doesn't have a car, a house, or education.
2. Don't assume that if a guy steps to you in Target in a white T shirt and dusty jeans that he doesn't have a good job.
3. Don't assume that when a guy tells you he has a kid, that he wouldn't be right for you.
4. Don't assume that the guy in the suit is financially successful and the guy dressed urban, is not.
5. Don't hate and dismiss the guy for calling you out on your bad ways.
6. Don't be quick to write someone off because a guy may like sci-fi movies, or likes video games. A lot of guys who are financially successful do not have a problem pursuing their child like interest or dressing the way that they want. This is just basic knowledge: When a person achieves a certain level of success, he does not care what other people think.
7. Stop looking for this magical connection and similar career interest. Most people end up settling down with people who are exact opposites. After all, who wants someone who is exactly like them? It could get rather boring.
8. Stop treating chivalry like it is owed to you, whether you have a nice or messed up personality. Any act of kindness should always be earned and appreciated.
9. Stop assuming that you can't meet a nice guy at the club. You’re a nice woman at the club, right????
10. If you really want to find out about how a guy is or where he is headed in life: 1. First and foremost: Go to his House. This will tell you a lot about him. A lot of people can talk a good game. But a serious look into his lifestyle will tell it all. Don't be so quick to judge based on questions like, “do you have a degree?" "Degrees, Suits, and Ties" are overrated and will be quick to disappoint.
From a Single Brother in Washington DC:
This is a message to Black Women who are interested in meeting Good Black Men in the Metropolitan areas in the U.S. Don't assume, take a second look.
1. Don't assume that if a guy talks to you on the subway (train, train station, or bus stop) that he doesn't have a car, a house, or education.
2. Don't assume that if a guy steps to you in Target in a white T shirt and dusty jeans that he doesn't have a good job.
3. Don't assume that when a guy tells you he has a kid, that he wouldn't be right for you.
4. Don't assume that the guy in the suit is financially successful and the guy dressed urban, is not.
5. Don't hate and dismiss the guy for calling you out on your bad ways.
6. Don't be quick to write someone off because a guy may like sci-fi movies, or likes video games. A lot of guys who are financially successful do not have a problem pursuing their child like interest or dressing the way that they want. This is just basic knowledge: When a person achieves a certain level of success, he does not care what other people think.
7. Stop looking for this magical connection and similar career interest. Most people end up settling down with people who are exact opposites. After all, who wants someone who is exactly like them? It could get rather boring.
8. Stop treating chivalry like it is owed to you, whether you have a nice or messed up personality. Any act of kindness should always be earned and appreciated.
9. Stop assuming that you can't meet a nice guy at the club. You’re a nice woman at the club, right????
10. If you really want to find out about how a guy is or where he is headed in life: 1. First and foremost: Go to his House. This will tell you a lot about him. A lot of people can talk a good game. But a serious look into his lifestyle will tell it all. Don't be so quick to judge based on questions like, “do you have a degree?" "Degrees, Suits, and Ties" are overrated and will be quick to disappoint.