I Slept With My Ex: Tell My Fiancee or Not?
Ask Demetria: Mistakes happen, but cheating is the worst way to kick off married life.
Get a therapist or a life coach and tell that person instead. This way you can purge your feelings to someone who can help you sort out the series of bad decisions you made to become the star of this dramatic retelling of events. A professional will also help you get to the root of your issues and teach you how to avoid this scenario in the future.
As for your ex, you may genuinely think that she's a "great girl," but you have not treated her as if you value her. If you care, as you claim, show her that you love her by leaving her be so that she can find someone who will treat her with the respect and honesty that you have not shown her thus far.
So that we are entirely clear: You lied to your ex, and it does matter. Consider her point of view for a moment. You deceived her about your current relationship and cheated on your fiancee with her. And then you tried to give her the okeydoke by downplaying the seriousness of it. Perhaps it wouldn't be a big deal to you if a woman you cared about lied to you about her relationship status, but most people would call that a huge violation.
Let me make it simple for you: You demonstrated in word and deed that you don't respect serious commitments and can't be trusted. That's a relationship red flag if ever there was one.
If your ex is a smart woman -- which she sounds like, since she flipped on you for hiding your engagement -- she won't have much to do with you going forward. I'm not surprised to hear that she feels like a "ho," but she was not aware of your situation because of your deceit, so she did nothing wrong.
You've done enough damage to others and yourself thus far, and your guilt signals to me that you can be a better man and want to be one. Your best bet now is to be alone until you can figure out what it is you actually want -- which, based on your actions, is not a commitment. It's something the likes of which you appear to be too immature to fully grasp just yet.
Demetria L. Lucas is a contributing editor to The Root, a life coach and the author of A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life. She answers your dating and relationship questions on The Root each week. Feel free to ask anything at email@example.com.