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Knowing why Michelle chose Barack won't help you find a mate.
If you are one of the legions of people sick to death of all the commentary about the state of black male/female relationships told through the Obama Example feel free to bypass this essay. If you’re among those sick to death of seeing single, professional black women blamed for the sorry state of those relationships then read on.
Let’s start with President Barack Obama, the admirably great husband and dad in chief. If he is going to be the standard around which the debate around black relationship revolves, then here is one pertinent question not being asked enough: Why did Barack choose Michelle, and not, say, a Halle Berry or Beyoncé?
After all, Michelle doesn’t fit that stereotypical ideal. Many black men would find her dual Ivy League degrees threatening. Her self-confidence and assertiveness? Emasculating. The fact that she put Barack through many paces and required him to earn her love and respect? Bossy and demanding. Not so for Barack. Few could argue that he made a smart decision. Yet, we’re supposed to believe that Michelle, the prototypical highly accomplished black woman, has a rare level of wisdom that eludes other black women when it comes to choosing a mate?
Let’s be real. The reason that many black women with backgrounds similar to Michelle Obama’s aren’t married is not because they would not give similarly skinny, big-eared, smart guys a chance: It’s because there aren’t enough of those guys to go around. Smart women are smart enough to snatch them up. That’s why there aren’t millions of Barack Obama clones walking around wondering why no black woman will have them.
There’s also a larger point being ignored. The Obamas live in a rarified world that 99.9 percent of us will never experience, so we need to get over comparing their lives to ours.
Still, tons of black couples who are neither famous nor married to famous people have made similar smart decisions about marriage. So let’s not reduce this issue to some silly five-and-dime psychoanalysis about overeducated professional black women and their overly demanding psyches. The sad reality is that we are living in very difficult times for black coupling. More of our men are in jail than ever before. Huge numbers of them are unemployed or underemployed. More black women than black men have college degrees. More black men than black women are dating outside of their race. It would be nice to pretend these factors don’t matter, but they do.
The sad result is not that black women have become too picky; it’s that many have become too desperate and not discerning enough.
As for the rest of us, it’s just not true that we’re working against our own self-interests in our quest for the perfect mate. Jenée Desmond-Harris’ piece, which appeared recently on The Root, is being cited by black male bloggers and posted on black-oriented social networking sites as some sort of open letter, or cautionary tale, to black women to adjust their attitudes or suffer the consequences of remaining alone and unattached.
While I’m sure the piece represents some personal truths and was not intended to speak for or about all black women, it certainly does not represent my truth or those of many other professional black women who are not holding out for that non-existent “Obamaesque” Prince Charming.
The truth is that many of us would be happy with a good man who simply loves and respects us and who has enough in common with us to sustain a healthy relationship. This is not an unreasonable expectation.
We should also remember that black men have had some role in creating these troubled relationship dynamics. They aren’t just sitting on the sidelines like helpless sheep waiting for black women to find them worthy of attention. To believe that is to ignore that many single black men are holding out for their idealized versions of Princess Charming to step into the role of their picture-perfect wife.
Can we at least acknowledge that the men with the best prospects—and I don’t mean high-powered jobs and fat bank accounts, but those who are employed and able to help sustain a household—are already married? Can we also agree that having realistic expectations and being able to compromise are useful qualities for both black women and men to have?
If black men want black women to give them more love, they should show us more love and less resentment. They should judge us as individuals and not as a group. Let’s start talking to each other instead of about each other.
Marjorie Valbrun is a regular contributor to The Root.
Comments
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I think one of the main reasons Barack Obama was so comfortable with Michelle's assertiveness and intelligence is because he was raised by a white family - in many ways, he is a white man in a black man's body. He also acknowledges this paradox many times in his books.
I've noticed that black men are a lot more sensitive about their position in the world, professionally and personally, than white men are. They are often a lot more easily threatened by strong women who have sparkling careers and lengthy resumes, and who are assertive and forthright. (Note - it's not that white men like career women more; I just think that they are less threatened by such women because of their relatively secure place in American society). Barack didn't have to deal with any of these hang-ups - he was raised to be a white man. His confidence comes largely from his white family. A woman like Michelle could never make him feel threatened or insecure. In fact, it almost seems as if he spent a good part of his adult life learning to navigate African American culture, which he is assumed to be a part of because of his looks, although he was not raised in its midst. Michelle is his primary conduit into this world.
It's also worth nothing that Michelle didn't really marry a "genuine" African American man. She was fully aware of his white family, Kenyan roots, and Hawaiian-Indonesian upbringing. I'm sure she also understood that Barack hadn't been raised within the African American community - which means that she was basically marrying a white man who didn't look white.
But she was okay with that, which says a lot about her open-mindedness. She married outside of her race and culture. She also married with the knowledge that her significant other was primarily interested in nonprofit work and government positions - these are jobs that usually pay next to nothing. She was very, very supportive of his work, despite the financial hardships. In fact, she is actually the partner who financially supported the family during the 15+ years that Barack sought public office. She was the major breadwinner until he won election as a senator and began to see his book, Dreams of My Father, fly off the shelves. I think her flexibility with all of this - the lack of money, the constant failure of her husband to win political office, the white male background - really speaks highly of her, especially considering how much unease she felt in migrating to largely white male realms such as Princeton, Harvard, and the upper echelons of the Chicago business world.
I have to cosign on PhillyBoy81. It is time to keep it real. Most successful men desire beautiful women that are in good physical shape to compliment their success. Many men are willing to take a woman with less education and other credentials for beauty and a decent personality. If obtaining an all this education is in a women’s repertoire, then I think working out at the gym is equally important. If you have a cute face, nice personality, education, successful, but can't figure out why men won't commit to you; take a look at your body. Ask yourself, are you in good physical shape to get the man you so desire?
I'm one of those guys holding out for a Princess Charming. There are lots of good black women out there, but I don't want just a good black woman. I want a good black woman that I find physically attractive. There is a minimum threshold that must be met. Because I place a great deal of emphasis on physical appearance, I know that I've got to compromise on other things. There's no way in the world I'm gonna come across a girl who's a 8.5/9.0, who has a Yale Law degree, and gives back to the community on the weekends. So, I'll just take a 8.5/9.0 who is a nurse/teacher and can give decent convo. I think people can get frustrated with the dating scene when they aren't real about what they want. I know what I want and I'm willing to pay the price for it.
Very well stated, excellent points.
@Nar Thank you for adding an intelligent position to this discussion. I definitely see your point, but I am not sure I wholeheartedly agree. I think you are right about coupling with someone because of their values/heart/personality...and in a perfect world I would agree that would be all that matters. However, in this world, I think for many how you have chosen to spend your time up to now speaks volumes about what you value. Take me for example, if a non degreed guy settled in his blue collar job because he just needed to get a job and then STAYED there for years making $100+K and didn't travel, didnt get involved in activities beyond hanging with friends and having children (sorry to generalize, but this has been representative of my experience with some) he would be incompatible with me. If this was part of a plan to do something else and he had invested in himself to learn about the rest of the world and in other topics he would be much more attractive to me. The converse is true as well, the college educated man that hasn't seen anything and doesn't seem to have a plan has values that are incompatible with mine. However, for me this is preferred because I am familiar with the college experience and recognize that some level of exposure occurred there and that he took the time to invest in himself.
I am a proponent for getting beyond the degrees and salaries and talk about compatible values. Here is where we as people have a deficiency....Just look at this comment board..for those with the nastiest comments, what does that say about their character and what they do or don't value? Is one's standards, their character, their moral compass even applicable any more? We don't respect ourselves, we don't respect each other, we place too much weight on things that dont matter.
I am a black man and I do agree that black men have played a role in the deterioration of the black family. I do not agree that many men are holding out for their Princess Charming. The good men are looking for the same thing the good women are looking for, a loving and respectful partner. Most men are not intimidated, most men are tired. There is an ongoing cycle of hurt in our community and it needs to stop. It begins with us being responsible for our actions and decisions. We have to abandon the victim mentality even if we’ve been victimized.
If your relationships seem to turn out the same, then look at yourself. Are you making wise decisions when it comes to choosing a partner? His degree and bank account does not respect you. Her shape and style does not love you? If you are not choosing people based on whom they are and instead choose based on what they have then you will continue to be disappointed. If you have a list that has any thing on it beyond the type of person they should, meaning their heart, then be prepared to live up to or be dismissed by a list.
I have two sets of friends if they were too grouped by college educated and non college educated.
Most of my non college educated friends drive used cars that are paid for and make more money than most of my college educated friends. Here is an example; Joe (not his real name) is a school teacher, he told our friend Rob (not his real name either) that he would never drive a truck like him because he needs to make more money than that. Rob laughed and asked what he made molding young minds. Joe said that he makes approx $65,000 a year. Rob told Joe he should molding young minds because they might on day become as ignorant as him. When Joe inquired what was meant by that, Rob revealed to him that he made $115,000 the previous year.
Ladies, stability will come from a man who truly loves you. Contrary to popular belief among women, most men are not intimidated by a woman’s educational achievements. Some are uncomfortable with a woman who makes more money. There is a gap between college educated women and college educated men. There are many physically demanding and labor intensive jobs that men opt to do because it pays better than the job the average college grad will get. They will make more money, and have no student loans. Many of the electricians you see climbing those poles working on high powered electric lines make six figures a years. They are not uneducated. They were just not educated the same way you were. A college degree is an education in one particular field of study. A dear friend of mine once told me that she would not date a man unless he had a degree. Her reason was that he would not be on her level intellectually. I ask her if she would date a doctor, she said yes, of course. I asked her what if he told you the same thing. Her bachelor degree in Liberal Arts was not a Doctorate of Medicine. She said that she was offended. I told her so were the men she dismissed because they did not have a bachelors degree.
If you make it about love and respect then you will be fine.
Why all of the sarcasm? Most people commenting agree that there is a chasm between the relationship perceptions/expectations/desires of black men and women. Granted the 1st amendment gives us the right to express our opinions, but why can't we have an intelligent discussion on how to solve the problem or manage expectations without belittling someone else's viewpoint? How productive is that? Its as if the commentary is an allegory for what ails relationships in our community.
When it comes to this issue, there is no such thing as intelligent debate as long as it's being driven by the likes of Essence magazine and some of the writers of articles on this site.
Nothing wrong in discussing problems between men and women. But to constantly reference it to the "perfect" courtship/relation/marriage of the Obama's is getting not only old but patronizing.
Why all of the sarcasm? Most people commenting agree that there is a chasm between the relationship perceptions/expectations/desires of black men and women. Granted the 1st amendment gives us the right to express our opinions, but why can't we have an intelligent discussion on how to solve the problem or manage expectations without belittling someone else's viewpoint? How productive is that? Its as if the commentary is an allegory for what ails relationships in our community.