Buckwheat and Kingfish Demand Reparations
Inspired by Henry Louis Gates Jr.'s essay, the Retired Racial Stereotypes take their case to the Africans.
"I don't see the logic of it," I replied.
"See, if the Africans say they sorry their ancestors captured our ancestors and sold them to the white man, the white man will feel guilty, too, and pay us back for our ancestors' pain and suffering," Buckwheat explained, squeaking slowly as though he were talking to a child. "We could get big bucks! Didn't you read about it? It was in the New York Times!"
"Sounds like a long shot to me," I replied.
"That's just because you is a mulatto apologist for the white man," squeaked Buckwheat. "You should be out here marching with us, instead of being so negative."
"But why do you think that the U.S. government would pay reparations just because some Africans say they're sorry about the slave trade?" I inquired. "America hasn't followed Africans' moral example in the past. Why would they do so now?"
A conspiratorial leer came over the Kingfish's face. "See, that's one of your blind spots," snapped the old con man. "You done forgot who we got in the White House."
"You can't possibly be referring to President Barack Obama," I replied in astonishment. "He wouldn't involve himself in such a twisted scheme. It would be both wrong and political suicide!"
"That's the beauty part! He ain't involved in it," squeaked Buckwheat. "But white folks like them Tea Baggers think he is! They think he just been waitin' for an excuse to break open the Treasury and shower black folks with riches since he was a boy in that Muslim school in Indonesia calling himself Barry Soetero!"
"I don't follow you at all," I continued.
Buckwheat and Kingfish stopped picketing and whispered to each other for a few moments.
"We done decided to let you in on it, White," squeaked Buckwheat. "Kingfish will explain."
"Brother White, I'll speak slowly so that you can understand me," Kingfish purred. "The Tea Party and them would do anything to prove that our beloved president is actually a terrorist-sympathizing traitor--including paying millions for some evidence!" He looked around to make sure no one could hear him. "We out here picketing to prove that Obama and Gates are in cahoots on this reparations thing! Once it gets on the news, we'll accept the reward!"
I smacked my head in consternation. "You mean to tell me this whole thing is just another one of your convoluted schemes designed to bilk the Tea Party," I proclaimed.
"Of course!" snapped Buckwheat. "You don't think Skip really thinks we could get reparations from Obama by going after the Africans, do you? That don't make no sense at all!"
"Well, how much is the Tea Party offering for proof that Obama's a traitor," I asked.
"Millions," the Kingfish declared, rubbing his fingers together as though he could already count the cash.
"Got any more of those signs?" I asked, falling in line between my two friends, and yelling at the top of my lungs, "REPARATIONS NOW! REPARATIONS NOW!"
Jack White is a regular contributor to The Root.