Did I Blow It With My Boo in a Crisis?
Ask Demetria: When it's a life-or-death situation, step up to the plate for your boyfriend's sake.
It was not about what you think. She is your boyfriend's mother, and whatever reason he wanted her there -- for his own emotional support or because he wanted his parents together during his father's emergency (and what happened to be his final hours) -- is all that really matters. Yes, I know it was inconvenient, and you did not want to do it, but "bend[ing] over to accommodate," as you put it, is what people do in relationships. If you're not willing to do that on occasion, and especially in an emergency, you should not be in a relationship.
But you are, and you want to continue being in one, so now is not the time to argue with your boyfriend. He's in mourning, and he's livid with you, for good reason. Trying to prove that you're "right" will make it seem as if you don't understand the gravity of what just happened.
It's not just about you keeping your boyfriend from getting to see Dad off. The way this situation translates in your partner's mind is, "When I needed her -- really needed her -- she dropped the ball." He's no longer sure of your loyalty to him, and that is the one trait that consistently tops most men's must-have lists for entering into a committed relationship -- even more than nurturing, attraction and sex.
Save your explanations, too, including the one about how you thought he made an "unreasonable" request, or if you had known the outcome, you would have gone to get Mom. Don't bother defending yourself against the accusations that you're the reason he didn't make it to the hospital to say goodbye, either. Granted, even if he had rushed straight there, it wasn't a given that he would have made it in time to say goodbye. You've got a valid argument there, but bite your tongue on that one.
The only card you've got left is to apologize -- profusely -- although I'm not so sure you can "I'm sorry" your way out of this one. But try it anyway. Repeat "I am so sorry. I don't know what I was thinking; I was in shock" in as many variations as you can imagine. Maybe, just maybe, he'll forgive you.
Demetria L. Lucas is a contributing editor to The Root, a life coach and the author of A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life. She answers your dating and relationship questions on The Root each week. Feel free to ask anything at firstname.lastname@example.org.