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Because whiteness is nothing if not unoriginal, police at the University of Texas at Austin say they discovered a small group of white supremacists trying to re-create the Charlottesville, Va., tiki-torch warmup party on campus early Saturday morning.

According to KVUE-TV and the Daily Texan, campus police were patrolling the university’s South Mall area when they spotted some glowing lights. When they went to investigate, they found a small group of “mainly white males”—fewer than 20—carrying tiki torches and wearing masks made from the American flag.

According to the police, they informed the boys that masks and open flames were not allowed on campus. (Which is true. I once performed at UT and may or may not have gone outside to smoke a Black & Mild, until I received stares like I was lighting up a crack pipe.) The new neo-Nazis then left the area without incident.

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After the report was made public, UT President Greg Fenves issued a statement detailing the incident, adding:

The University of Texas is committed to free speech and the robust exchange of ideas among students, employees and invited visitors—but our campus is not open for non-university-affiliated groups to stage protests or gatherings. Those that have been warned about these rules and do not leave or who return to campus are subject to arrest. These demonstrators were also in clear violation of a number of our official policies intended to protect safety, including a ban on masks and open flames.

I like how he opened with the use of masks and open flames, and the fact that the guys were from off-campus, as the troubling part.

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Fenves did go on to condemn white hate groups, stressing that he “abhor[s] what they represent.” Fenves later added that “the actions of a hate group do not define us. They never will. We stand, united, against hatred.”

And that’s the end of the story. Except ... I have a few questions:

  • Were these the saddest white supremacists ever? What kind of pitiful life does one have to lead to go out to a torch rally at 12:04 on a Friday night/Saturday morning? When I was in college, by midnight, I was at least 23 beers in, trying to get a Delta to dance with me. Who says, “Nah, I don’t want to party tonight. I have some Nazi shit I need to take care of”?
  • Was this for a class? Maybe there’s an “Intro to Hate 101” elective at UT. I took a class my sophomore year called “The Psychology of Women,” thinking it would teach me some game. I’ll always hate that class because I had a high-enough grade to be exempt from the exam, but I didn’t know it, showed up for the exam, and the professor made me take it anyway!
  • Where did they get the tiki torches? I went to Walmart last week looking for some lawn items, and they have removed all of the seasonal summer stuff. Did the supremacists order the torches from Amazon.com? Did they buy them earlier during the year and just wait? One thing you can say about white people: They plan ahead.
  • Do they want to get themselves killed? This is a very dangerous game these guys are playing. If the wrong person saw this protest, they could have been hurt by an angry mob. And I’m not talking about black people or minorities ... I’m talking about the University of Texas football fans who would kill these guys if all of the black people left.
  • Why, though? This is always the most important question. What does hate accomplish? Even if they wanted to rid the world of minorities and make UT white again, how do tiki torches and masks get them closer to their goal?

Do they think Mexicans are going to pack up and leave? Do they think black people will be scared off by some postpubescent frat rejects in star-spangled bandannas carrying mosquito repellent? Trust me—our hearts don’t pump no watered-down, half-sweetened Kool-Aid. Black people eat fragile white fuckboys like this every morning and shit out the remnants before noon.

If we could be cowed by a dozen hate-mongers too bitch-made to show their faces, it would be a sad day in Austin. We laugh at coward devils like you.

Hook ’em horns!

Read more at KVUE and the Daily Texan.