The “Can You Hear Me Now?” guy (YouTube screenshot)

This episode is filled with people we hate, HBCU presidents, Ben Carson, embarrassing fat moments that Ms. Patti Patti and I bond over, and Donald Trump’s usual foolishness. But first, an apology.

I want to apologize to all the listeners who have had to endure over 30 episodes of The Root’s podcast and have not been able to fully embrace the featheriness (is that a word?) of my voice. I don’t want to brag, but I’ve been told that I have the voice of a dove whose tonsils have been dipped in gold and shined by a cloud. The point is that my voice is heavenly and I’m sorry that you have not been able to really hear all the heavenliness (also not sure if that’s a word) in it.

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I’m also sorry for the show’s host (she calls herself that), Patti LaDanielle, also known as The Root’s social-content producer, Danielle Young. Nothing has happened or not happened with her, but I just want to apologize for her and my inability to get her ousted from her position.

Currently I’m pushing a narrative that Patti LaDanielle and Russian operatives made rum cake in her apartment before the 2016 election; hopefully this will be enough to force her resignation. I’ll keep you guys posted.

Anyway, we’re back like we never left, and we know that we’ve been teasing y’all about how we were going to get fly and free and leave you guys, but we have real-life podcasting equipment now. That’s right, your favorite little podcast that could is balling out here and looking like new money, so enjoy my silky-smooth, light-skinned William December Willams-esque vocals.

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And by default, Ms. Patti Patti’s voice is also clear. In fact, it’s clearer than mine; I assure you that I couldn’t stop this. I talked to technical people who understand this stuff, because, yes, we have technical people now (humble brag). So her voice is clear as well—at least until she is found out to be a spy for the Russians.

So now all of our listeners can hear us clearly clown the shit out of all these HBCU presidents who ran over to the White House just knowing that they were going to get some money, only to find out that Trump used all their black faces for a photo op.

We also wax Carson for being in “the sunken place” with his latest dumb-ass comments claiming that slaves were immigrants with a dream. Umm, no, the fuck, they weren’t; they were slaves. We can’t be the only ones perplexed by Carson’s bullish attempts to single-handedly undo his legacy as one of the world’s greatest neurosurgeons.

We also admit to some or our fattest moments. Sometimes Ms. Patti Patti and I get along and bond over the weird things we do. In this case, we talk about fast food and the fat habits we have. Ms. Patti Patti may or may not get something from Taco Bell and Wendy’s to make one pleasant meal. And I may or may not have once asked a McDonald’s worker to make me a sundae in a medium drink cup.

Now that we are stepping up our game—and by “stepping up our game,” I mean that women can hear me clearly—I believe that our numbers will skyrocket. We are working toward making this a better, more inclusive podcast, just as soon as I can get Ms. Patti Patti fired.

So lift up your medium McDonald’s cups, and cheers to the weekend!

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