President Shitty Von Douche Face campaigned on a wall. He didn’t literally stand on a wall while campaigning, but he claimed that if he was elected, real Americans (read: white Americans) could sleep safe at night because the “bad hombres” would be behind the wall, and the most glorious part of all was that Mexico was going to pay for it.
Douche Face was clearly on his Jon Snow shit. He was feeling himself. And I don’t blame him. He was running around America hopped up on hatred and xenophobia, and his campaign promises basically became him throwing lies on the side of a big truck to see which one stuck.
Now a transcript from his call with Mexico’s president proves what all of us who didn’t vote for Von Douche Face knew from the beginning: This old bag of orange puss is really just an old ShamWow salesman drunk off hatred. And—this is equally important—he’s a really bad speller, negotiator, liar and person.
According to a transcript obtained by the Washington Post, during Von Douche Face’s Jan. 27 call with Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto, Donald Trump not only relented on how the wall would be funded but also openly asked Nieto to stop saying publicly that he wouldn’t pay for the wall.
“If you are going to say that Mexico is not going to pay for the wall, then I do not want to meet with you guys anymore because I cannot live with that,” Trump reportedly told Nieto.
It’s as if Von Douche Face never realized that once the campaign roars died down and the chants of “build the wall” became a faint whisper, he was going to have to actually make good on some of this shit. And like many a powerful white man before him, he panicked. What Von Douche Face never took into account is that the president of the United States is not the president of the world; he’s just the president of the United States, so Mexico doesn’t work for him. They have their own leader, who has his own thoughts for his own country.
But somehow Von Douche Face believed that he was going to strong-arm the Mexican president into not mentioning what everyone, including the 47 percent of white women who didn’t vote for his ass (we see y’all!) has been saying: that he wasn’t paying for a fucking wall. And why would he? He doesn’t want a wall. He didn’t ask for a wall, and the wall doesn’t benefit him or his constituents in any way.
But the real telling part, and the window into this soulless presidency, comes in two telling quotes from Von Douche Face.
The first is where the president of big trucks described the wall as “the least important thing we are talking about, but politically this might be the most important.” And he’s right. He promised his folks a wall, and he knows that politically, it is important to deliver on it, but truthfully, the wall is and has never been important. No one wants this wall but racists and xenophobes who believe the fake news that Mexicans are pouring into the country stealing jobs, raping the purest white women and killing babies. The wall is the least important thing in the American history of least important things.
The second quote comes after a long diatribe in which Von Douche Face rambles on claiming that he won New Hampshire—he didn’t; Hillary Clinton did—and saying that he has a military with powers that he can’t even describe and lies, lies, lies, and then he says this: “They [the press] are going to say, ‘who is going to pay for the wall, Mr. President?’ to both of us, and we should both say, ‘we will work it out.’ It will work out in the formula somehow.”
This quote is telling because is shows clearly that Von Douche Face is all about appearances. He loves being loved. It’s part of the reason he’s still rallying for a job he already won. He wants to be adored at all costs. What he really wanted the Mexican president to do was stop making him look like the liar that he is while he figured out the “formula somehow.” And that formula, as all of us who didn’t vote for his orange ass know, is the American taxpayers paying for a wall they didn’t want in the first place.
The White House keeps pushing the narrative that Von Douche Face is “a tough negotiator,” when what they really mean is that he’s a liar who backslides on promises to his base when he can’t deliver.
“The United States has many vital interests at stake with Mexico, including stopping the flow of illegal immigration, ending drug cartels’ reach into our communities, increasing border security, renegotiating NAFTA and reducing a massive trade deficit,” an unnamed White House official told the Washington Post. “In every conversation the president has with foreign leaders, he is direct and forceful in his determination to put America and Americans first.”
At this point Von Douche Face supporters are children waiting for their drug-addicted father to bring them a wall for their birthday. And the rest of us—those who have seen this dance before—know good and well that wall ain’t coming, and if it does, he probably stole it from somebody.
Read more at the Washington Post.