With a face as bright as the orange sky of an Easter sunrise service, Donald Trump and the rest of the new-millennium Munsters currently occupying 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue hosted their first White House Easter Egg Roll on Monday on the South Lawn of what they now refer to as “Mar-a-Lago North.”
The 139-year-old celebration of Easter and spring soon devolved into a dumpster fire that serves as an analogy for what has happened to America under the presidency of Sir Golfs-a-Lot. Here’s a countdown of the five best moments from the squalid shit show that was today’s White House Easter Egg Roll:
5. This little boy’s face in every photo: Check out the kid on the right. He looks like he’s saying, “I wanna go home. I don’t like the Great Pumpkin!”
4. This tweet:
3. Not enough eggs: Even with the diminished crowd size, the Washington Post reports that 3,000 more people attended than eggs were ordered. How do you host an Easter-egg hunt and not have enough eggs? Bruh, you had one job! It just sounds like something my uncle would say as he’s puffing on a Newport: “You know, that Donald Trump is a few eggs short of a full basket.”
2. No one came: According to Vanity Fair, about 35,000 people showed up for the Obamas’ last Easter Egg Roll, but only 21,000 showed up today. Trump seems to have a crowd-size problem, but I’m sure that, as with the inauguration, Trump will call it “fake news” or say it was because so many children rolled their Easter eggs online. Press secretary Sean Spicer claims it was intentional because Melania Trump wanted to focus on the traditional aspects. I think the White House staff failed to explain to Melania that no one ordered Chinese food. She probably thought she was having a bunch of people over for egg rolls.
My personal theory is that people knew the potato salad wouldn’t be any good.
1. Trump forgot what to do during the national anthem: Melania had to nudge the bronzed bomber to remind him to put his hand over his heart during “The Star-Spangled Banner.” Or maybe he was channeling his inner Colin Kaepernick.
While the day was mostly a travesty, there were some good moments. Spicer, Kellyanne Conway, Melania Trump and others read children’s books to the kids. Spicer was applauded for pronouncing almost all of the words correctly, Melania just stared blankly at the pages, while Conway just made up her own fairy tale and called it an “alternative story.”