Oscar Bustamante/GMG/The Root

I’m sorry, y’all, but this week we’re featuring only one piece of email. It’s not that we didn’t receive a lot of hate mail this week. (Don’t worry; we won’t ever run out of shitty comments from disgruntled readers of The Root—ever). It’s just that answering more than one piece of email this week would be redundant and stupid, and here is why:

This week we received the greatest piece of hate mail of all time.

I don’t like overhyping things. When guys, say, tell women they are going to “make you scream all night,” they usually take the woman home, give her 4 minutes and 30 seconds of frantic “Whose pussy is this?” thrusting, followed by a deep slumber. That is not what we are doing here today.

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Sometimes, for comic effect or to make a point, I will use hyperbole, but I’m for real this time—you about to read the whitest email ever written. It is not so much hate mail as it is white mail.

OK, to be honest, it is pretty hateful, but it also embodies every piece of whiteness that has ever existed. It is a condensation of every microscopic molecule of Caucasianness. When I talk about “wypipo,” this is who I meant. We now have a mascot. The email is epic in its level of paleness and lack of melaninity. It is all the white things! When you read it, you will feel ...

You know what? Let’s just read the letter.

From: Nancy
To: Michael
Subject: Your vile, sick, self deluded article 

Hey Michael

Regarding your hateful rant about white people. If you think we are so bad you really need to go back to your African homeland where your own tribal leaders and ancestors pimped you for profit to jewish ship owners. Nothing to do with white europeans you despise so much. In Africa your honeland youll find they still never got civilized but there are cannibal warlords in Liberia. As Ben Carson said, a decent black man who excelled in a white mans world.” the best thing that ever happen to the black man was slavery as it gave them the opportunity they would have never had in Africa” you guys benefit from our civilization and our inventions. Cars, planes, trains, phones, electricity, tv, radio, archetecture. Roman and greek civlization is western civilization and Im sorry your ancestors are sad ass voo doo cannibals who never made a civlization.. Deal with it instead of hate and blame. Obama is a MuslIm which is very odd as Islam are the first to enslave your black ass. Go to Islam see what they still do to blacks today. So you should be thanking white men. We let you become millionairs in our society, Presidents, educated. Your complaining is vile and makes you unworthy. As far as crime. Lets face the facts. 40, 000 white women arr raped a year by black mren. White men dont rape black women. Wonder why? 300,000 black on white crimes a year. It is racial targeted hate. We cant help we are a beautiful intelligent race. But your acts of violence are transparent. We dont protest the way you people do as we have jobs. Not on welfare. In Japan during Fukishmi not one act of violence or looting. An honorable people. Katrina and other Us disaster its your breathen doing the looting not whites. It appears to me “Michael” sadly the name of a great warrior archangel you disgrace with your racial hate, jealosy, lies, and most import self delusions. What you are inciting with your so called “poetry” is that of your voo doo ancestors demonic verbal diarrhea . Id like to look you in the eys and expel your bullshit out of you. Your a disgrace to humanity and ungrateful trash. Like your islamic Breathen foul and unholy Obama.You will fall from your throne of hate and deceit and lies soon enough by the wrath of God. May i suggest you go to church and pray rather than hating on white peopke and twisting the reality. You could never make a civlization absent us and now think your going to slander us the hijack and get unearned credit. Well try. When we fight back I assure you we will win as we always do since the history of time.

Hey, Nancy,

First of all, when you talk about my vile, racist rant against white people, it would be helpful if you pointed out which one. How am I supposed to know? That would be like going to a place where white people go (like Yankee Candle or wherever y’all buy those Caucasian-fit jeans) and asking, “May I speak to a racist?”

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But that’s not why I selected your letter for mailbag honors. I chose this letter because I love you, Nancy. I want to meet you and marry you. I want you by my side for the rest of my life.

And not for any romantic reasons, Nancy. My love for you is really selfish. From here to eternity, whenever I speak about racism, hate and the laughable fragility of wypipo and someone objects, I only wish that I would be able to say, “Have you met my wife, Nancy?’

The way your well-greased whiteness slid effortlessly from a “Go back to Africa” into a diatribe about black rapists, directly into a “You were better off as slaves,” then transitioned into a lazy, welfare-nigga stereotype, may have been the most difficult combination of fucktastic bigotry I have ever witnessed on a page. I allowed David Duke to read your letter, and he was like, “Damn, that bitch is racist!”

And where the fuck did the “Obama is a Muslim” part come in? I gotta admit, Nancy, that shit came out of nowhere. It surprised me because I thought you were going in a whole different direction, but then you pivoted on me and wedged a little Islamophobia in there. And you prefaced it with a Ben Carson reference. And the subtle anti-Semitism of blaming slavery on the Jews was revelatory. It’s rare to find respectability, white supremacy, Jew hate and Muslim hate right next to one another, without a new paragraph or anything. Well played, Nancy. Well played.

Also, Nancy, I hate to point this out, but they would fire me at The Root if I didn’t. If I didn’t ask the following question, Editor-in-Chief Danielle Belton would call me into her office and ask me what the hell was wrong with me. She would probably stage an intervention, so I am compelled to ask:

Where the fuck is Islam?

You said I should “[g]o to Islam and see what they still do to blacks today”? How? I went on Travelocity and couldn’t find a direct flight to Islam. Could you tell me the nearest airport? Do they have hotels, or would I need an Airbnb? There are so many questions I have, but we don’t have enough time.

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If I were to clap back at this letter (which I won’t because I’m praying that you and I become pen pals), I would dispel that whole notion about the scourge of black men raping white women by telling you to read this article:

But I would never do that, because I know you don’t read, Nancy. Plus, I’m not clapping back at you, remember? If I were, I’d ask you how you could tell black people that you are not responsible for the sins of your ancestors and then turn around and take credit for all of Western civilization.

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It defies logic, but then again, I know you didn’t enslave me, Nancy. I am 100 percent clear that you had nothing to do with slavery, even though you somehow made slavery Barack Obama’s fault. (Again, I can’t stop thinking about the Obama part. Bravo, Nancy.)

You know what else I know, Nancy? I know you didn’t invent shit, either. You couldn’t build a boat, a house or a civilization. You can barely build a shitty email.

I’ll admit that you have personally never done anything to me, but I know you have done something to someone black, Nancy, simply by existing. Simply by believing that you “let” us be millionaires and president.

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Before I go, since we are in the mood to take credit, allow me to take credit for something my people have given to mediocre white women whom Darwinian evolution should have stamped out long ago. Allow me to pat myself on the back for the one thing that my people have “let” vile, disgusting, barely literate bitches like you be:

Alive.