By now we’re sure that you are aware of this, but if you aren’t, then let us hip you to game: The Root is run and managed by righteous black women. Managing Editor Danielle Belton, Deputy Editor Genetta Adams, Senior Editor Yesha Callahan, Associate Editor Kirsten West Savali, News Editor Breanna Edwards, Social-Content Producer Danielle Young and Multimedia Editor Felice León are all viciously pro-black and intrinsically pro-women.
So when word came down that the women of The Root were participating in the “A Day Without a Woman” protest, the men knew this was our opportunity to really stretch out and take up two seats without thinking about how grossly male that is. We also knew that it was an opportunity to get through a day of work without women.
Look, we love the ladies of The Root. They are ambitious and courageous and work tirelessly at their jobs. They are also pro-Ciara in many arguments and sometimes turn group work calls into brief moments about natural hair. It happens. So, while the women are off securing the homefront, we men are doing what we do best, and that’s looking for the remote to the big TV.
Here is a list of all the things Social Media Manager Corey Townsend, Original Video Content Creator P.J. Rickards, staff writer Michael Harriot and Senior Editor Stephen A. Crockett Jr. could never get away with saying or doing on a normal workday at The Root.
I Won’t Have to Hold in My Gut
Don’t look at me like that. You all know we do it. Every man has a “work wife,” and when you work around women, it’s just natural to present yourself in the best light possible. But knowing there wouldn’t be any women around, I had an extra beer Tuesday night and ate a few more carbs than I should. So if I seem a little more energetic and loose today, it’s because my abdominal muscles are a little more relaxed. Plus, I don’t have to act like I’m strong enough to lift the heavy boxes.
“Idris Elba Is a Horrible Singer”
There are a few things that are off-limit topics in our discussions about news: Beyoncé and the male version of Beyoncé, Idris Elba. I could never print the words “Idris Elba” and “horrible” in the same sentence on The Root. He is sacred, like Blue Ivy’s baby hair. I’m man enough to admit that I get why ladies fawn over the guy. I mean, he’s a handsome dude. He’s also a British guy whose acting was grand enough to actually have everyone believing he ran a drug cartel in Baltimore. But he isn’t perfect. He once sang, and it sounded like the noise that a hollow boot makes when it’s run over by a truck on repeat. It isn’t that bad, but fuck that guy and his amazingness and his sleeveless jean jacket.
Sports Talk Radio Will Be on All Day
Although we were notified by the executive board of the Beyhive that any comments about Beyoncé were off-limits (we know where to draw the line), she will not be on the office playlist today. Instead we will listen to sports talk radio all day, and during commercials, we can finally listen to Future’s new album without being interrupted with comments about how he did Ciara wrong.
Can Safely Scroll Through Instagram Model Pages Without Being Slut-Shamed
We can finally peruse the Instagram “models” pages without worry or fear of verbal attack. We aren’t even liking or commenting. Just browsing .... don’t slut-shame me.
We Won’t Know What the Hell Is Going On on the Shows We Don’t Watch
We don’t know how we’ll endure because, for an entire day, we won’t know what happened on Being Mary Jane or Scandal. Men don’t actually watch these shows, but if we log on to Twitter, Facebook or work around any woman, we can fill you in on the details of every episode and tell you the specific brand names of each garment in Olivia Pope’s outfit. See, I have never seen an episode of Scandal, but I know who Olivia Pope is.
We Won’t Have to Fake-Fix Things
I won’t have to pretend I know how to fix everything that’s broken. We don’t know how to fix anything, but we can’t tell you all that because we know that we should know how to fix things. The funny thing is, we don’t. We don’t even remotely know what the hell we are doing. In fact, we probably make the problem worse. Usually when the copier is jammed and we’ve ruined it beyond repair, we just make up a word and say that said made-up word is the reason it’s fucked.
Co-worker: Ted, did you get the machine going?
Ted: Naw, the hamersteinhousen is jacked up. We’re going to need a tech to come out.
“Mahershala Ali Is Starting to Reach Idris Levels”
When news broke that Elba was preparing for a kickboxing tournament or some shit, women couldn’t stand it. A shirtless Elba was shown in the ring, boxing, and he actually looked like he knew what he was doing. The kickboxing thing made Elba a triple threat: actor, boxer and singer, if you’re into dead-goat noises. Now, not only is Ali an Oscar-winning actor for his role in Moonlight, but he was once a rapper who kicked it with the Hieroglyphics, and he had bars! And in college he played Division 1 basketball for St. Mary’s, and he posed in his underwear. It’s all just starting to be a bit much; Ali is reaching Idris levels, which means he’s reaching Beyoncé levels and, as such, he’ll become off-limits to criticism—and that can’t happen.
Toilet Seat Will Stay Up All Day
Of course, we are not going to put the toilet seat down all day. I’ve always believed that this was an anti-male rule anyway. Look, there are two positions for the seat: up or down. Why should we have to put it up every time we want to use the bathroom? I know it’s such a terrible inconvenience to turn your head five inches to the left to check the position of the toilet seat, but today we break all the rules.
We Won’t Have to Act Like We Care That a Famous Woman Is Having Twins
We don’t have to pretend to be interested in or emotional about things we don’t care about like when certain stars (not Beyoncé, I’m serious, I’m not talking about Beyoncé, OK?) are pregnant. We don’t care which celebrities are now dating or who broke up. Yet, we will be free to cry if something extraordinarily emotional, meaningful or groundbreaking occurs, like, say for instance, our team blows a three-touchdown advantage in the Super Bowl.
“This Is Us Sucks!”
This might be the dumbest show ...
OK, who are we kidding? We love This Is Us, and while we don’t cry watching it, it does make our eyes sweat sometimes. The point isn’t that the show sucks, the point is that we want the freedom to say that the show sucks without being destroyed behind it. So, without the ladies here to defend it, This Is Us sucks.
It totally doesn’t suck and might be one of the best shows to come on television in the last decade.
And with the women gone, we’re sure nothing will go wrong. We have held this world down for centuries. Aside from most of the crime and almost all of the wars, we have handled things great. Look how well the man in the White House is ...
When are the women coming back, again?
And don’t tell ANYONE we said any of this.