This is a test.
This is only a test.
We here at the Emergency Black Broadcast System have a long history of preparing black people for national emergencies. Our first alert was issued Dec. 31, 1862, when soon-to-be-emancipated slaves huddled in churches, singing songs and anticipating freedom. Since that day, we have issued a variety of alarms with varying degrees of importance—from informing our constituents that Beyoncé dropped an unannounced album to spreading the news that sidewalk CD or cigarette selling is now a capital offense in many jurisdictions.
As the only outlet that disseminates these kinds of heads-up to people of color (and please don’t point to Twitter or Facebook; you see what those motherf—kers did to Korryn Gaines and Leslie Jones), we feel it is important to advise you of a situation forming on our radar. Our state-of-the-art technology has spotted an area of concern coming on Nov. 8, 2016.
We have termed it “the Trumpocalypse.”
As you know, most media outlets and pundits are forecasting a Hillary Clinton win on this date, but you know white people are fickle. They are prone to spontaneous acts of unpredictability, like striking down the Voting Rights Act, popping up on lawns with burning crosses or handing Kendrick Lamar’s Grammy for Best Rap Album to Macklemore. Knowing this, you should be aware that it is entirely possible that a majority of Americans will go into the voting booth and check the box for Donald J. Trump on Election Day. While it is not our position to pass judgment on political activity, it is our responsibility to make sure you are prepared if America elects its first orange commander in chief.
While many of you have hinted at leaving the country if that happens, we know you aren’t going anywhere. Aside from family funerals and that time you and your sorority sisters went to the Essence Festival, you barely leave your state. Do you have a passport? A work visa? Can you speak another language (Ebonics and pig Latin don’t count)? Man, sit down.
Don’t worry. In the eventuality of a Trump presidency, we offer you the following preparedness advice for surviving the Trumpocalypse:
Take Your Money Out of the Bank
If you can be sure of one thing, it is that Trump will bankrupt the American economy. Every business venture he touches goes belly up, and America will be no different. As soon as you withdraw your funds, make sure you convert them to euros or some other foreign currency, because once he appoints Omarosa to head the Federal Reserve, the U.S. dollar won't be worth the paper it’s printed on.
Each denomination of bills will, however, feature various poses of the Donald on the front. In a Trumpian economy, education, hard work and actual ability won’t mean anything. Every person’s worth will be measured by how much money their parents gave them—or, in the case of women, bra size. The only other way to advance will be to create hyperbole surrounding your aptitude and hope that people blindly believe you. Or get a breast implant.
Women, Be Warned
Buy extra pants just to account for the executive order legalizing p—sy grabbing. In the new bosom-based economy, admission to college and all employment will be conducted by a series of small, Miss America-like beauty contests. To prepare for this, you should show up to all job interviews with an evening gown and a two-piece bathing suit. You’ll still be paid 77 cents for every dollar a man earns, but at least you won’t have to attend those workplace sexual harassment seminars.
Black Men, Beware
You should get ready to walk around in the nude once he fulfills his campaign promise for “law and order.” Police departments all over the country will enact versions of stop and frisk. In New York City, 83 percent of the people stopped and frisked in 2015 were black or Latino. Once the people at the Republican National Convention who cheered for the officer cleared in the death of Freddie Gray are in charge and merge stop and frisk with the “Stand your ground” law, the only surefire way to ensure that you won’t be stopped, frisked and then shot will be to walk around naked. I know what you’re thinking: “But where will I keep my money?”
Don’t worry. You won’t have any.
No one will.
Watch Your Back
Once President Trump takes office, the alt-right racists, neo-Nazis and white-hood wearers will emerge from the shadows. To be clear, Trump has not created more racists—he has just empowered them to be racist in the open. They have just been waiting for their moment. It’s like being at a highbrow party where everyone wants to dance, but they’re waiting for the right song. Trump’s dog-whistle racism is white supremacy’s “Back That Azz Up.”
There is a positive aspect, though. Black people in white neighborhoods may save money because they won’t have to burn their porch lights. They can just use the glow from the flaming crosses on their lawns.
As with all emergencies, we assure you that there is no reason to panic. It is unlikely that our next leader will be the comb-over in chief, but it is our duty to prepare you for that possibility. In the eventuality that America (spelled “w-h-i-t-e-p-e-o-p-l-e”) slides into voting booths and chooses the tiny-handed totalitarian as the next president, there is still no need to fret.
When Obamacare is repealed, all the great Mexican, Muslim and black doctors will leave America. So when Ebola makes love to the Zika virus, the only people America will have left to fight the resulting disease that turns people into zombies is Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz and researchers from Trump University’s School of Figuring Out Science. So you’ll probably have died an agonizing death with blood leaking out of your eyeballs before any racist, sexist or economic calamities befall you.
Plus, Trump’s belligerence, lack of diplomacy and knowledge deficiency in foreign policy will probably start World War III anyway. By the time you need any advice, Trump will have called Kim Jong Un a “Chinaman” or tried to dry his hands on a Saudi prince’s kaffiyeh after using the bathroom, and you’ll be reading our “Emergency Guide to Surviving Nuclear Winter.”
Remember this is only a test.
If it were a real emergency, it probably wouldn’t be a good idea for you to be sitting around reading The Root.
Make sure you protect your vote in this critical election for America. Learn more about how to register and protect your vote here.