Alex Izaguirre/FMG Creative

After two weeks of one of the most epic displays of caucasity since Starbucks put “Happy holidays” on paper cups, the World Wypipo Tournament is down to four challengers. Which one will be crowned the true champion of wypipo?

Although pundits, bookmakers and sportscasters worldwide have speculated on who is the most reprehensible of our 64 competitors, only you can decide. Let’s dissect the four teams still standing.

Rich/(In)Famous/Powerful Assholes Champion: Andrew Anglin

Andrew Anglin was voted the most despicable person in all of wypipo-dom. Maybe it is because, as founder and owner of Stormfront, he is one of the leading promoters of racism in the country. His site is the leading white supremacist site on the internet, according to the Southern Poverty Law Center.

Advertisement

If you didn’t know who Anglin was before this tournament, this is why this competition is important—because oftentimes it is the wypipo behind the scenes who are as disgustingly annoying as a leaking puss-filled wart sitting on the cliff’s edge of your anus.

There is no bigger fuckboy in the universe than Anglin, and he received an overwhelming number of votes. Maybe it was because he endangered the life of a young college student and her entire sorority by getting his low-IQ, fragile, neo-Nazi simpletons and skinheads to threaten her on the campus of American University. Perhaps it is because Stormfront inspired people like Dylann Roof—who massacred nine people in a Charleston, S.C., church. Maybe he got so much support because he is hiding from people serving him with a lawsuit like the bitch-made melaninless snowflake that he is.

Nah. It’s because he has been trolling for votes on his site.

A few days ago, the Daily Stormer published the headline “Support Andrew Anglin in the White People Tournament” (fuck no, we’re not going to provide you with a link). An article followed begging people for votes, and although I’m not sure if Daily Stormers have enough brain cells to actually figure out how to click the button on the poll (or what “poll” means; I’m sure two-thirds of them left immediately because they thought we were supporting Polish people), we’d like to thank Anglin for the page views.

Advertisement

This is symbolic of honor and prestige of the WWT. (Although—let’s face it— most white supremacists are people fighting their own fears, inadequacies, low self-esteem and micropenises. An honor like this could make them feel better about themselves.)

Whites Gone Wild Champion: The New Orleans Principal Who Was Outed as a White Supremacist

Anglin is facing a crowd favorite in Crescent Leadership Academy Principal Nicholas Dean. Contrary to popular belief, this isn’t simply about Dean, who worked at a 98-percent-black charter school. It has nothing to do with the fact that he was spotted at a Confederate rally. It has nothing to do with his premise that the fact that he loves white people and his white heritage doesn’t make him a white supremacist.

Dean is champion of the Whites Gone Wild division because he represents all Caucasians who go on crazy rants and commit public acts of racism.

He is a stand-in for all the virulently crazy people who want to worship the heritage and history of the antebellum period in this country while not bothering to research it enough to know, care or admit that the Civil War was about slavery. He is the substitute for everyone who screams “nigger” in the neighborhood Starbucks. He is the cashier who puts your change on the counter because he doesn’t want to touch your black hand.

Whenever you see these inconsequential stories about these slack-jawed nincompoops, remember that they work somewhere. They are bosses who hire at Fortune 500 companies. They are policemen and policewomen. And yes, some of them are the principals and teachers educating your children.

Groups/Companies/Organizations Champion: White Allies

I don’t hate people like Andrew Anglin or Nicholas Dean as much as I despise white allies. I believe they are the reason racism is so pervasive.

Advertisement

Anglin and Dean are like big piles of Great Dane shit—easily avoidable. It is the wypipo who smile in front of your face, and proudly wear their pink hats and Black Lives Matter T-shirts with the safety pin prominently displayed, who fuck it up for all of us.

If it weren’t for the duplicitousness of wypipo who smile in your face while accepting and maintaining all the privilege of whiteness, we would be able to separate the good white people from the wypipo. White allies will go out to lunch with you but turn three shades of red when they find out their daughter is dating a black guy.

White allies volunteer to help the underprivileged on the weekend but will call the cops when they see a black face wandering around their neighborhood. White allies will show up at your church, sing along with your choir and ask for you to vote for them and then call you a “superpredator” while whitesplaining why mass incarceration and mandatory minimums are good ideas. White allies talk about white privilege, but white allies are the No. 1 custodians of it.

White allies are the reason this tournament exists.

Beckys Champion: Kellyanne Conway

Kellyanne Conway vs. White Allies is a dream matchup, because she is the ultimate Becky.

Advertisement

As the Trump administration’s secretary of lies and bullshit, Conway created the term “alternative facts.” Donald Trump tells his untruths with bombast and hyperbole, but Conway’s ability to stare into the camera and calmly explain away bigotry, hatred, incompetence, pussy grabbing, hiding taxes, Russian collusion and acting like an idiot on the world stage, as well as why her boss hasn’t done shit in six months, has normalized lying to the American people.

There are White House spokespeople who have told untruths before, but they were at least tethered to some kind of fact or logic. Conway says whatever the hell she wants and doesn’t care if there isn’t an iota of truth in it. She doesn’t have the common decency to even pretend to tell the truth.

Then, like all Beckys, whenever she is called out, she hides behind the fragility of being a woman and accuses people of sexism.

Advertisement

In the future, no political candidate will feel the need to tell the truth. Conway paved the way for that. She is a trailblazer for bullshit, and 10 years from now, remember we said this.

Now it’s your turn. Only two of these contestants will emerge for Tuesday’s final. It’s up to you. Don’t let us down. Black people around the world are depending on you ...

And so is Andrew Anglin.