MONDAY

AP: Sri Lankan Civilians Stay in War Zone Despite Lull

ABC: Face Transplant Patient Doing Well; No Longer Responds to "Michael Steele"

BBC: Obama to Lift Cuba Restrictions; Lovers of Freedom Hate This, Not Sure Why

JJ: An Anti-Gay Marriage Commercial Parody

CK: Watch the White House Easter Egg Roll; No, It's Not a Dance

Bossip: Maybe…Maybe the Young Lady Doesn't Own a TV or Ears and Eyes

WP: An Early Military Win for Obama; Next Stop: China

WSJ: The Ice Man Speaketh: 'Everyone Should Pay Income Taxes'

NYT: White Woman Marries Colored, Has Baby; Under Duress Develops Racial Self-Awareness

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WP: Realizing They're Fighting Somali Pirates, Navy Rescues Captain, Ask If He Likes Fishsticks

MW: GM Preparing for Possible Bankcruptcy (As Opposed to What We Don't Know)

WSJ: Thank You America, Can We Have Another?! Oil Industry Braces for Drop in Gas Demand

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Reuters: China's Economy Improves, Japan's Doesn't; Japan Wishes It Was Opposite Day

NYT:Bo Knows the White House: First Family Finds Fido, Pooch Escapes Recession's Pinch*

NYT: Black Voters Dissatisfied with Gov. Paterson; Say to Friends, Colleagues "That's Your Boy"

PI: A Cutting Edge Concept: Obama's Influence Culture in Several Ways, Like Clothing For Example

ESPN: Bucs Sign Leftwich to 4-Year Deal; Team Execs Swear They've Seen Him Play

JA: Surviving Scientists Discuss Creating the Package from the Enola Gay

CNN: Shelter Offers Free Weddings for Homeless; Happy Couples Register at the Supermarket

*You Care Little, We're About the Same

TUESDAY

NYT: Obama on Economy: Pain Now, Gain Later

Reuters: Pirates: Still Feeling Froggy, Still Jackin' Ships (Not US Ships, But Still)

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CSM: For N. Korea, Sanctions Hold Little Sway Because…Well…Come On Man, It's the UN

AP: Blago Gets Indicted, Pleads "Dude, I Didn't Do It"

USNWR: Depression Increases Risk of Heart Failure

WP: Number of Babies Born to Illegals Grows, But You're Not Paying for That (Right?)

AP: Smithsonian Picks Designer for Af-Am Museum

WP: FIU Ethers Own Hoop Program, Hire Isaiah Thomas to Coach

BB: Retail Sales Drop Unexpectedly in March, Analysts Fear Recession May Be Afoot

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MSNBC: Mel Gibson's Wife Might Take Him to Cleaners in Divorce; Jesus Says, "Can't Help Ya Bro"

LAT: Phil Spector Gets Got; To Get Acquainted with Wall of Bars

WP: Goldman Posts Profit, Moves to Repay Rescue Money (No; You Aren't Dead)

MST: Stewart Smalley Saves Minnesota! Franken Wins U.S. Senate Seat

CNN: Poll: Obama Not Making US Less Safe; Just Ask Those Somali Chaps

AJE: Pirates Vow Revenge on US; SEAL Sniper: "My Finger Ain't Tired"

BBC: UN Condemns N. Korea Launch, Threaten to Show Up in Blue Helmets and Do Nothing

BET: Michigan School Closes Following Murder-Suicide

Forbes: Blacks Less Likely to Get Optimal Lung Cancer Treatment Along With Optimal Anything Else

NYDN: Suit Alleges White Cop Gunned Down Black Cop

USAT: We Hear Cleveland Is Lovely This Time of Year: The LeBrons Clinch Home Court Advantage

WEDNESDAY

GN: French Forces Capture 11 Pirates; Pirates Basically Ashamed

BB: Economy Sees Consumer Prices, Industrial Production Decline; Yup, We're Shocked Too

CNN: 'Robust Action' Could Curb Piracy; US Spells 'Robust' S-E-A-L-S

FOX: Accused Nazi Guard Unfit for Trial But Still In Better Shape Than People He Guarded

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BBC: Right-Wing Groups 'Growing' in US Yet People Still Scoff at Palin's Chances in 2012

DMR: Blacks' Prison Disparity Grows in Iowa, Confusion Over Blacks in Iowa Period Does Same

Reuters: Having Seen The Godfather Part II, Travel Industry Cautious about Cuba

IW: AT&T Wants to Maintain Grip on iPhone Since It Pretty Much Has Nothing Else Going for It

EW: Foxx Apologizes on Leno; The Root's Jimi Izrael Among Pleased Parties

AP: Number of Blacks in Major Leagues Rises; Prospect of Fresh Steroids Scapegoats Promising

ABC: Adam Lambert: America's First Gay Idol? We Mean 'Openly' Gay of Course

Reuters: Obama Set to Name "Border Czar," Swears He's 'Pretty Sure' They Did Their Taxes

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CT: Blagojevich Hoping to Appear on Reality Show, Buzz Doesn't Bother with Punchline

EW: You Got to Be Stoppin' Somethin': Michael Jackson Auction Called Off

USAT: My Only Love Sprung from My Only Hate! Duke's Paulus May Become Wolverine QB

BBC: Stem Cells 'Can Treat Diabetes'

LAT: Woman Charged with Killing Sandra Cantu

AJE: To the Gallows You Go: Members of Darfur Group Sentenced to Death

BET: Johnson Hair Care Products is Black-Owned Again; Waves and Finger Weaves Rejoice

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Reuters: Blacks Try to Turn Obama Pride into Profit; Back to Drawing Board After Obama Fried Chicken

THURSDAY

NYT: John Madden Retires; Buzz Uncertain Where We'll Get 'Booms', 'Thwacks' From

BBC: Into Thin Air: Kenya 'Will Try Somali Pirates'

Forbes: Because They're Nothing If Not Haters. Wall St. Shrugs Off JPMorgan's Gains

Reuters: Faster Than a Speeding Bullet! Obama Unveils High-Speed Rail Plans

NYDN: Gov. Paterson Introduces Legislation to Legalize Gay Marriage

BB: Nokia Aims to Win Market Share; Buzz Unaware Nokia Still Existed

VOA: Russia Ends Operations in Chechnya Saying "Don't Make Us Come Back Here"

ABC: Even the Mall Isn't Safe: Foreclosures Strike Malls; Orange Julius, Spencer's in Jeopardy

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CNN: Hulk Hogan Says He Could've OJ'd his Ex, Is Immediately Hit With Steel Folding Chair

BET: Mumia Supporters Pull Black Card, Implore Obama for Help

MH: Worked into a Lather, Teabaggers Look to Sack Tax Day; Some Satisfied, Others Left Feeling Blue

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CNN: Dear Pirates, We're Developing Guns That'll Heat You Up from 5,280 Ft. 5,280.

USAT: Army Officials: Brain Injuries Overdiagnosed, Trauma from Concussive Explosives All in GIs' Heads

NYT: NSA Overstepped Legal Bounds, Still Urge You to Stay on the Grid While They 'Clear Up' the Issue

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AJE: Abuse Claim Made Against Gitmo Guards; US Silent While…Hey the Obamas Have A New Dog!

BBC: India Goes to the Polls; Adam Lambert Considered a Dark Horse Favorite

WP: Obama Ballerific, Makes $2.6M Off Books; Uses Prez Check As Shoe Money

FOX: Suleman Wants to Trademark 'Octomom', Lease Out Uterus with Option to Buy

BET: Whites Overtaking Blacks on Drug Sentences (We Understand the Urge to Gloat, But Don't)

ESPN: Without King James, Lebrons Become Cavs Again and Promptly Lose

FRIDAY

BBC: Since Hatchet Men Are Handy, Obama Exempts CIA 'Torture' Staff

AP: China Wants US and N. Korea to Play Nice; US: "Yes Daddy"

Reuters: Dozens Feared Dead in Afghan Quake

LAT: Suspect to Plead Guilty in Oakland Journalist's Murder

AP: In Speech, Palin Takes Stand Against Abortion, Loves Guns, Can See Russia, Etc., Etc…

BW: With Recession, Google Goes From Ultra to Super Successful

Reuters: 3100 Jobs Lost on Wall St. in March; People Should Feel Bad, Don't

BH: Celtics Lose Garnett; ABC Prepares Kobe v. LeBron Finals Promos

CT: Oprah to Invade Twitter; Male Twitterers Prepare to Be Blamed for Stuff

PCM: Duffel Bag Boys Rejoice! T-Mobile Unveils New Sidekick