Should I Bar His Kin From Our Wedding?

Ask Demetria: Even if his family member pissed you off, try not to turn into a bridezilla.

(The Root) --

"My fiance's godsister went back and told his ex-girlfriend that he is engaged to me. The ex called my fiance, and she went H.A.M. [i.e., "hard as a motherf---er"]. Now that I know his godsister is messy, I don't want her knowing the details of our wedding or even attending it. Do I have the right to do this?" --Y.C. 

You're angry that your fiance's godsister did something you can't control, and you're being irrational. You want some sort of vengeance, and it's blocking you from properly analyzing the situation, as well as seeing clearly the consequences of pursuing revenge.

The godsister didn't do anything wrong. You are, in fact, engaged, yes? So she wasn't lying on you. She shared factual information with your fiance's ex, someone she is closer to than you. Is your engagement a secret? If not, the ex was going to hear about it anyway. Did you or someone else ask the godsister not to say anything to the ex or anyone else? If not, the godsister is in the clear. 

In your haste to punish her, you're missing a glaring issue. The person you need to be worried about isn't the godsister but the ex, and maybe even your fiance.

Picking up the phone, as your fiance's ex did, and "going H.A.M." on the guy you just discovered is engaged is not a "normal" reaction. Plenty of people, including me, have received similar news about an ex's pending nuptials -- even about "the One" -- and thought, "What?!" or even been a bit bummed. But to grab the phone, dial his number and unleash on him hints very obviously that at least one of the people on the line has some unresolved issues with her former, or maybe even current, relationship.

Instead of flipping on the godsister, you need to focus on what that call from the ex meant to your fiance. Was this a case of an ex who just can't let go? That's what you're hoping for. Or was there something on simmer between your fiance and his ex, and she just got blindsided? That would also explain why she just blanked out on him.

Ask your fiance to explain that call -- in detail. If you don't know already, you want him to tell you how long they dated, when they broke up and why and when they last communicated prior to this call. That includes phone, text, email, in-person, messages relayed via others and all social media -- just to be clear. If there's nothing going on, the story should line up neatly.

Don't worry so much about the godsister. If you insist on being annoyed by her actions, be cordial when you see her, and keep the conversation light. That's the extent of your revenge. 

Your bridezilla-esque threat to not invite a close friend of the family to your wedding is familiar. I've heard similar rantings from a few brides-to-be who seek my counsel. For many women, their wedding is the first big event they oversee, and some of them go on a complete power trip when they get control of a guest list. Never did I think I would pull out a Voltaire quote to help solve a relationship issue, but it's apropos to remind you: "With great power comes great responsibility."

The idea of not informing your fiance's godsister about plans for the wedding and/or not inviting her is childish and ludicrous. If she's a "godsister," that likely means her mother and one of your man's parents are extremely close. She's going to know the details of the wedding, at the very least through her mother, and be at all the major events because she is the closest thing to family without being actual blood.

Do understand that not to invite her to your wedding is the equivalent of declaring World War III with your fiance's family. At the very least, the godsister will be upset, her mother will be upset and so will your fiance's mother. Your fiance probably will be, too, because the most important women in his life are causing him drama.

Because you consider the godsister "messy" is no reason to go create a bigger mess just because you can. So we're clear: That is a horrible way to start off a marriage, if you can even make it down the aisle after essentially causing such a huge rift between your fiance and his family and your fiance and yourself.

You're talking about getting married, taking on someone and his family as your own. It's a long life, and there will be plenty of family drama to come if you just like to see fireworks. It's the nature of families. Starting now, be smart enough to choose your battles wisely.

Good luck!

Demetria L. Lucas is a contributing editor to The Root, a life coach and the author of A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life. She answers your dating and relationship questions on The Root each week. Feel free to ask anything at askdemetria@theroot.com.

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