Midway through the last season of Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta, I started to hear Beyoncé’s voice: “I’m through with it/Through with it (love)/I’m finally giving it up.” While I love my Negro telenovelas, the previous season was not up to par. It had a bunch of new folks whose problems I didn’t care about, and in terms of the fake-fake, some of those random losers were making LHHATL the television equivalent of a crab cake full of weird fish and breading. I’ve been to Maryland too many times, beloved, so that shit is nasty to me.
Many of us entered the season premiere with trepidation, but praise Trap Jesus, I didn’t want to quit in the middle of the show and go turn on MSNBC and face a more ridiculous reality.
Now, some of the cast members still need to be rounded up and sent to go find themselves either some business to stay on the show or be pointed toward a new career path. The same goes with folks delivering their lines as if they’re performing Little Red Goes to the Hood (this is an actual play I starred in, FYI). But, again, it’s much, much better.
The show begins with the Puerto Rican Princess doing a sexy pregnancy shoot, letting us know that she doesn’t need Stevie J to keep her career going. Maybe not, but isn’t it crazy how Cardi B basically became the rap star some of us envisioned Joseline becoming? There is no reason Joseline shouldn’t already be the bilingual Jacki-O. How has she not been on a Gucci Mane track already? I’m so angry.
In any event, Joseline may not need Stevie J for professional guidance, but she does request those child support checks because her baby will require good schooling, nice clothes, quality health care and whatever else her mama thinks her daddy ought to be paying for (damn right).
Not long after, we catch a glimpse of Stevie J working out in a boxing gym, saying his relationship with Faith Evans (insert laugh track here) didn’t work out (shocker) and that he’s back in Atlanta. Translation: “We finished filming the first season of my spin-off, so Faith went back to finding other ways of generating promo for her forthcoming album with her late husband.” And piggybacking off that show and its storylines, Stevie continues to question the paternity of Joseline’s baby on the season premiere.
The nerve of Stevie J—who has a gang of kids and is a thot on every single show we see him on—to insinuate that Joseline is so fucking slutty that her baby could be his or on the cashier at Wingstop that gives her extra lemon-pepper wings. If you’ve got a dick that active, you have no right to level those accusations without at least acknowledging irony.
Joining in on that particular Joseline pile-on were Mimi, Rasheeda, Tammy and Ariane. While having drinks (presumably Myx Moscato and watered-down Crown Apple), they sat around and talked about Joseline the whole damn time. Some things never change.
What was most hilarious, though, was that after Mimi introduced us to Melissa—a very polite lesbian who works as a club promoter and a friend to Joseline—Mimi had the nerve to say in the confessional that Joseline better keep her name out of her mouth. Girl, you spent a whole scene worried about what’s in Joseline’s womb, and that’s what you want to declare after the fact? Did you bump your head on that shower rod, sis?
As for Tammy, she explains that she has separated herself from Waka Flocka and his wayward dick. I don’t care, but if this means we get more of Deb Antney, I’ll indulge.
When it comes to Ariane, she doesn’t seem to have much purpose on this show outside of being Mimi’s friend. Mimi doesn’t have anything going on, so, c’mon, pretty woman, what else you got? Wasn’t Ariane a singer last season? Where is that single we kind of heard her play? Where is its follow-up?
Ariane should be on this show selling herself as the Lesbian Bryson Tiller or the LGBTQ Dej Loaf.
I’ll get to Rasheeda in a minute, but keeping with the theme of purposeless characters, Tommie’s drunk, violent ass is back on the show. At one point, Tommie says that people forget that she is a mother of two. We forget because she never mentions her children on the show. Hell, she shouldn’t because she ain’t nothing but a CPS public service announcement.
Not much has changed about Tommie. She continues to cry without visible tears. Based on the previews, she remains a violent, angry person in desperate need of a 12-step program, a praying grandmother and an email chain with a producer from Iyanla: Fix My Life.
She reaches out to Stevie J to help her deal with her lil’ legal issues with Joseline. You see, when you threaten to fight a pregnant woman, she might sic the po-po on you. Tommie is mad that Joseline didn’t want to keep it in the streets, but you crazy-ass woman, you tried to run her ass over in the streets.
Tommie brings Stevie to the police station to help sort out her issues—the end result being that they don’t hear a word from Stevie J and lock up her dumb ass. Fool, your threats are online. The fuck you think was gonna happen?
I shouldn’t say this after watching The 13th, but anyone who thinks Stevie J is a get-out-of-jail-free card is begging to be jailed. I would rather watch Mommie Dee fry fish than watch Tommie. Tommie is basically a Bad Girls Club cast member who ends up on The First 48.
OK, let’s move on to Rasheeda and her nasty-ass husband, Kirk Frost. So Joseline had a party that none of the women wanted to go to because they all hate her ass, but Karlie Redd, who is Pearl from the show 227, did make an appearance. She doesn’t give the slightest fuck about Joseline, but she did come to stalk Yung Joc, who she is sort of back with. While there, Karlie spots Joc with some woman, and like the hilariously crazy person she is, she zooms on over there to ask questions and potentially throw a margarita on the mystery woman.
That woman is just a friend, though. She’s actually there to confront Kirk, whom she claims to have a baby with. Karlie gets so dramatic about the situation, but I will say, she’s a genuine friend. Remember when Rasheeda tried to drag her life? Well, Karlie Redd is the one sticking up for you, so watch your mouth next time, Georgia Peach.
Once Kirk gets there, he acts like he has no idea who the woman is, but from his eyes, you can tell he’s thinking, “Damn, I knew I should have used a condom because the pullout method is bullshit.”
What kilt me was the woman saying she didn’t mean to start shit: “Hi, person I just met. I have a baby with your friend’s husband, but don’t ask anymore questions. I don’t want drama.”
Kirk rushes home to tell Rasheeda before Bird News hits Rasheeda’s iMessage. Once there, Kirk proceeds to make up a story anyone with seven brain cells could see is a crock of shit. Kirk cannot lie or act worth a damn.
You know, for the longest time, it appeared that Rasheeda and Kirk were exaggerating some of their marital issues for camera time. Well, here we are. I’m mostly upset that Rasheeda has Kirk tattooed on her arm. Rasheeda is too pretty for this. Rasheeda’s mama knows this, and it won’t be long before Shirleen cuts up once again.
Before I go, I need to highlight Yung Joc and Karlie Redd.
Yung Joc is out here still rocking that Five Heartbeats perm, then ups the ante in silly by inviting Karlie Redd to what looks like a petting zoo. I don’t know how these two are going to find a way to forge a relationship. I don’t know about y’all, but me myself, myself personally, there is no going back from comparing one’s genitalia and select other body parts to a dairy product.
That said, you gotta do what you gotta do to maintain this TV contract. To that end, I appreciate Karlie Redd’s commitment to her aesthetic. My girl wore stripper shoes and had her ass out at the petting zoo, and she’s got a sex book coming and she aims to sell it.
I have dreams of Yung Joc and Karlie Redd starring in a Redbox hood romantic comedy. I will even write the screenplay. Someone DM me.
All and all, the season premiere did not feel like punishment, which means I’m back. And considering y’all’s bitch-ass president, I need all the coping mechanisms I can get. Bless the team.