Hello, may I speak to Ben? Ben, this is Herman. I know you don’t know me, but I thought I’d give you a call because I understand what you are going through. I know what it’s like to be called a house Negro because they call me a house Negro, too, and if being like the rest of these darkies is the only way to get rid of that label, then I’ll be that.

OK, so Herman Cain really didn’t say that, but he basically said that. Recently the Michigan Chronicle, a historically black newspaper from Ben Carson’s hometown of Detroit, referred to Carson as the “shame of Detroit” and said that he was in competition for the “House Negro of the Year Award.”

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Cain didn’t take too kindly to that, and the former Republican presidential candidate wrote a post on his website blasting the paper for using the term.

He took it a step further on Wednesday when he wrote another post, titled, “House Negroes Stand Up!” in which he laments that he, too, has been referred to as a house Negro.

“They say it to me too, Dr. Ben Carson, because just like you, I refuse to embrace the backward thinking of today’s black identity politics,” Cain writes.

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He goes on to say that since the Chronicle thinks Carson is a house Negro, then he, Cain, must be one, too, because that’s “one of the names you get called by other black people when you are a success at something, and you do not buy into ‘black group think’ or act and say what they want you to say.”

No, sir, I don’t think that’s quite how that moniker is earned, but please, continue.

Cain then goes on to criticize the current movement to have Confederate monuments removed, calling it a “waste of time and distractions,” and saying that the Chronicle may not have noticed the “successful black people” in “prominent positions in America” because they mind their business like the good black folk they are, focusing on “performance and productive opportunities” rather than worrying about the past.

OK.

Then Cain gets all “He won’t say it, but I will,” like he is really about to read someone or something, and says:

Gentle Dr. Ben Carson is too nice to respond to that garbage article and name-calling by the Michigan Chronicle, but I’m not!

Let’s start with the fact that he prayed hard about even accepting the HUD job. Personally, I was glad he accepted it, because he will bring “outside the box” ideas and thinking to HUD. Many of the old ways of doing things have left many of our urban areas unchanged for 50 years, and too many of our young people have been trapped in cycles of poverty, crime and weak educations.

Oh? Have we witnessed any of this so-called outside-the-box thinking and ideas? What has Carson brought to the table since joining the Department of Housing and Urban Development?

Cain then stresses for us that Carson “didn’t become a world-renowned brain surgeon by being a ‘house Negro,’” but I don’t think anyone has made that allegation, so I think this is another instance of you keep using that phrase, but I don’t think you understand what it means, Herman.

He writes that Carson could have taken any other “better paying and less stressful” job in the world, but he chose to “serve his country and a president who is truly trying to create a better America.”

And this is where I have to stop you for two reasons.

First, Carson is not making some huge sacrifice for other Americans, and most especially not for other black Americans, so let’s just be real about that.

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Second, Donald Trump is not trying to create a better America for anyone who looks like you, you misguided darkie. Like, for real, for real. Get your head out of your ass and wake up. You acting real Stacey Dash right now.

He continues:

The Michigan Chronicle thanks Dr. Carson for his sacrifice and dedication by calling him a nasty insulting name. It’s the usual attempt to try to discredit his patriotism and to discourage him. Knowing Dr. Carson, that old tactic ain’t going to work.

No, I’m pretty sure they are just calling him out for behavior that seeks to set him apart from other blacks in the country as if he is somehow better than everyone else. He is uplifting a president that is doing everything in his power to enable the constant and persistent persecution of black people.

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Cain goes on to say that there are plenty of black folks not drinking the “name-calling brand of Kool-Aid,” and we see a hint of his black roots showing themselves for a brief instant. He ruins the moment, though, by reiterating the point that those same black folks are being good and minding their business and not giving Massa no trouble like the rest of us darkies:

Being called a “house Negro” is just one of the insulting names I have been called as an ABC (American Black Conservative), simply because I do not subscribe to the black liberal backward-looking narrative of black identity politics. Maybe that’s why I have had multiple successful careers over the last 50 years, and name-calling has not stopped or slowed me down yet!

If being called a “house Negro” is what some of us must endure for succeeding in this nation and thinking for ourselves, then let all of the “house Negroes” stand up and be counted.

LOL. OK. Y’all go on ahead and do that. You got it.

Cain ends his note by saying, “Wow! There are too many [house Negroes] to count, but there’s Dr. Ben Carson standing tall among millions, and doing something great again.” This does not sound like a compliment that anyone other than someone who is referred to as a house Negro would appreciate, but I digress.

Let’s let Herman Cain and Ben Carson stand together in solidarity, then.

Thank you, Herman Cain, for saying about yourself, multiple times in one post, what my editors won’t let me say about you.

Thank you.